|August 27th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Lots of baby jokes that might give people the wrong impression that the Balthayzr house is expecting (God, no. Don't even joke about that), actually show a tiny bit of sympathy for a Boy-Band member, and Officialy open the "Bad Xmas Gift" Rant Season. Plus, if you act now, you get some good old fashioned Male Chauvinism at no extra charge!
Why is it everytime parents find a way to keep a child happy while they grab 5 minutes of peace for themselves (TV, Apple juice in a bottle while they nap, Formula instead of breast milk, popular children's books), some Dr. Spock wanna-be comes along and claims that this practice is akin Child Abuse, and you should be deeply ashamed?
Of course, why does it also turn out that these people either 1) Don't have any kids, or 2) Have a Live-in Nanny from a 3rd-world country that they can't even pronounce watching the kids for them while they do all these lectures and book tours?
The popular English pudding known as the Spotted Dick is having it's name changed to the Spotted Richard, due to falling sales blamed on housewives too shy to ask for the product. Yeah, it's got nothing to do us on this side of the Big Pond, we're just seeing if we can't get any more cheap Search Engine hits from folks seeking Porn, without actually violating the Terms Of Service.
And what was Angela "Breast Raider" Jolie's report after returning from Pakistan on her first Official trip as the new ambassador for the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees? "What do you do about that? It's really awful". Thanks, Angie, that gets right to the heart of the matter. Does anyone, including Angela, know exactly what the hell she's supposed to be doing in her job besides trying to put this MTV-like "It's Kewl to care!" face on the UN?
Besides appealing to the media vultures out there, exactly why is the headline "Paula Poundstone's Lawyer Says She's Innocent, Asks For Dismissal" newsworthy? Is it actually that shocking that a person's Defense Lawyer would make a claim that his client is INNOCENT? "Yeah, Your Honor, my client is a deviant child molester, you caught her. Can I go home, now?"
And for those of you looking for a new and exciting career, and perhaps becoming the next Lady Cleo, there's the Astrological Institute in Scottsdale, Arizona. Yes, thanks to this now Federally Accredited school (meaning you can get a student loan from the Gummint), you too can get your diploma in astrology and psychology and pursue a career in Holistic Medicine, all for only 3500 bucks. News which we're assuming will tickle all the skeptics out there, since a true Psychic would smell this rip-off a hundred miles away...
Who else thinks that the best advertisement Cartoon Network could make for the new Justice League series would be the simple motto "This will NOT be SuperFriends. No Wendy and Marvin. No Wonder Twins. No extremely unsubtle Morality Lessons. We Promise.".
And what better entertainment for your next Office Party, or Gramma's birthday, than the Hardbodies? Hey, where else can you get a Dwarf Tossing Demonstration in the comfort of your own home, thus avoiding all the really swell types of people who attend Dwarf Tossing Demonstrations?
Incoming Clue Alert: If you get hired as a Hooter's Waitress, or a Professional Cheerleader, or any other related career, your job is to wear a skimpy costume so men can ogle you. No more, no less. Hey, sorry if we sound like a Pig here, but the sooner we get this confusion sorted out, the sooner we can get back to our oglin' and not have to hear any more crap about "I'm more than a set of boobs!"...
Thank you, "Mini-Me", for the 1-800 commercials and cameo appearances that make it OK to laugh at Midget-Based humor, again. God bless you, sir.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2102, the World Overpopulation Problem will force a series of rather unique solutions. For instance, it will be made Legal to mercy-kill any would-be comic that torture Retail people and customers with their stale wit. For instance, it would be legal to kill the guy who claims his car doesn't need his tires rotated because they "Rotate while the car's moving", the moron who answers the Waiter's introduction of himself with "I'm Fred, and I'll be your customer this evening!", or morons that claim items without price-tags must be free.
Best Disclaimer: from TNN's Robot Wars; "Robot Building Is Dangerous, And Should Not Be Attempted Without Great Care". Gee, thanks for the warning, because we would have built our robot while drinking heavily, watching the Playboy Channel, and seeing if we could install the Saw Blade Arm with it operating.
And yes, we are aware that this is just standard lawyer boilerplate so that, when some idiot slices off half his fingers when he *does* try to build his robot while drunk, he can't sue the Robot Wars people. Too bad the Big Tobacco lawsuits have proven that disclaimers don't protect you one little bit.
So, when you're on your way somewhere, you threaten your kids with "Stop that, or I'll turn this car around RIGHT NOW!!". So, enlighten those of us with no kids; What do you scare them with on the way home? Threaten to go back in time and stop yourselves from going to that fun place? Threaten them with borderline Gallager routines?
And we'd like to thank The Levi's people for their series of acid-flashback commercials featuring singing navels. Made us nostalgic for those Old Navy ads.
Yeah, everyone goes to the Air & Water shows to bask in the glory that is technology. Not in the hopes that there will be a horrible crash that they can film and sell to the News or RealTV.
"Would you believe that (Insert Child Star's Name Here) is X years old?" Why yes, we can believe that, 2 decades later, the person in question is 20 years older. The fact that it seems to impress Show Biz Gossip Columnists so, may be more telling about them than it seems...
Dear Makers of Cottonelle Bathroom Tissue: Thank you for the commercials that put the image in our heads that toilet paper is not only sentient, but actually enjoys being used...
Note to the Ford Motor Company; We don't give a rat's ass how much you pay in residuals. It is time to let Mambo #5 drift off to the bargain bins and used CD stores where it belongs.
Ah, Late August. Where every cheap, crappy, ill-conceived novelty kitchen appliance goes on sale with the tag "Great For College Dorms!" plastered on it. Hurry up and get yours before they go on sale in September with "Makes a Great Xmas Gift" plastered on it!
Maybe the time to stop getting new tattoos is when the mass of them less resembles an assortment of small pictures, and begins to resemble some oddly exotic and highly infectious Skin disease. You also might wanna stop when the lack of skin space makes you get your new Skin Art on your Ears, Eyelids, and Sexual Organs.
Special news for those who like to get in movie lines early and avoid the opening-day rush; There are 2 Scrabble-related motion pictures in the works.
Ok, is the name of this rapper spelled "KRS 1" or "KRS One"? Because we're certain that one spelling is not only wrong, but somehow "dissing" the artist in question, and we wanna make sure we're using the right one.
Incoming Clue Alert: The more ads you show for your new TV show, the more desperate you look. The more desperate you look, the more your product looks like it may be Crap. The more your new product looks like Crap, the less chance we'll watch. If that train of thought is too complicated, look at it this way; No one likes a Nag.
Gee, what a shocker. The song "I Got High" by Afroman, from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, is being blasted as being racist and unfeeling to the Chemically Dependant. Thus proving once again that there's no room in this world for Humor when there's Lawsuit money and Restitution cash to be collected.
Why the hell is the Little League World Series on TV? Really, who cares besides the Parents, Baseball Scouts, and idiots who feel compelled to bet on anything?
And speaking of, thanks for showing the footage of the Losing Team crying and sobbing on the sidelines. Because now we're gonna be inundated with various Child Psychologists and such telling us why it's wrong to let kids experience any type of competition.
Hardball, or The BadNews Mighty Ducks Go To The Ghetto, But The Stereotyped Characters Are OK This Time Because This Is Socially Aware.
And A.J., of the musical group Backstreet Boys, finished his Rehab in time for his concert this past week-end. And we can see why a member of a boy-band would turn to booze and drugs, once he realizes his career depends on the flighty whims of young *cough*jailbait*cough* teen-age girls, and that you'll never live down the Boy Band label in terms of seeking a serious Solo Singing or Movie career.
Here's a comforting little thought to rock yourself to sleep with tonight; 85% of you out there were unplanned "accidents". Despite the crapola your parents fed you when you were young about begging God for a(nother) child or making a wish on a falling star or whatever.
Balthayzr was lucky in that his parents told him from Day One that he was an Unwanted Accident.