|September 3rd, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: More WWF news (and thus more proof that this column is tossed together at the last minute on Monday Night, like more proof was needed), another link to a random web page used in place of humor, and yet another XFL story somehow manages to crawl out of the garbage. Oh, and another Soap Opera bit that once again makes people question our statements about us not watching Soap Operas. Interesting how often the words "again" and "another" appear in these Introductions, isn't it?
Uh, considering the WWF's rather spotty history, should they really be doing any sort of commercials for any sort of "Supplements"? Even if it is just some Metabo-Life rip-off?
And the best thing about Cartoon Network's Adult Swim is that our weekly required amount of Zorak is at last being met...
The second best thing about Adult Swim is Cowboy Bebop, an Anime refreshingly free of Giant Robots, Over-The-Top Martial Arts, and Tentacle Rape. Hell, look closely, there's actually some sort of story line going on...
And a big hearty Thanks A Lot to all the idiots out there who were always making jokes about Stallone's Plans to make a Broadway Musical out of Rocky. Seems the big lug has taken all the teasing as a challenge, and has actually gone ahead and done it. Hope you're all proud of yourselves.
Not that we ever made jokes about it. Nope. Never made light of any of the Stallone Family. We ain't even gonna ask if Frank Stallone is writing any Power Ballads for the show. No sir.
Maybe the WWF Vs. The Alliance angle would be working out a lot better if the Alliance were portrayed as a believable enemy, and not a group that would look more at home piling out of a tiny car in the Center Ring.
Just to show you we're not just all about being MEAN, we're going to offer some advice that will save you valuable time: A typical TV or Movie Blooper is someone flubbing a line, taking a misstep, or some prop screwing up; everyone has a good chuckle, and/or the director makes a request for everyone to calm down and get back on script. There. Now you don't have to sit through any more Dick Clark TV Shows or order any of those "wacky" Out-Take Videos any more.
Want a special surprise for that next potluck Supper? Try Manbeef, the delicious alternative to hum-drum meals. And look at it this way, the name alone makes it the idea site to bring up (and accidentally leave) on the unattended computers of co-workers or displays in Malls or Department Stores.
WWF Access. Yeah, that's what the world needed. An updated version of the old USA Tuesday Night Titans talk show.
Okay, we've heard all the joke ideas for Reality Shows. And we've heard all the jokes about the jokes about Reality Shows. Find a neutral corner and take a time-out.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2046, the problems of Insensitive Pro Sports Team names will be solved when the Teams are all re-named for the Mega-Corporations that pay for the privilege ("Tonight, the Chicago Windows will battle the San Francisco Kotex") College teams will follow suit after a study concludes that college players have been making fortunes playing for years, so why not let them take the money legally and keep them from jumping to the NFL early?
Actual News Story: Two Georgia State University sociologists have completed a study showing that people who want to have sex, but for some reason cannot, are frustrated and unhappy. The authors of this study claim that this is valuable research, and besides it only cost 5000 bucks. 4900 of which we're sure wasn't spent on a Hawaiian Vacation. Hey, bikini-clad people are a valuable part of sex research, right?
And we can tell you why Stars are putting up Web Sites about themselves. 1) Because it keeps their name Out There. An active web site makes it look like the star is actually out there doing stuff that their Fan Base needs to be kept updated about, 2) They're hoping the web site will contain enough information to keep the stalkers satisfied enough to stay the hell out of their back yards and garbage cans, and 3) It gives them an excuse to grab MyName.com/net/org before some drooling fanboy nabs it and fills it with Fake Nudes.
Know what's almost as annoying as people who post Spam across almost every single newsgroup? Self-appointed vigilantes who insist on following-up every single one of the spams with "You've been reported". Yes, spammers should be busted. But, posting the news that you've done it is just a *tad* self-serving, isn't it?
And a Moment Of Silence for Mike Dertouzos, credited as the Creator of the World Wide Web, who we're sure died a happy, satisfied man after seeing how his invention was used for the Betterment Of Mankind, where Great Minds got together and shared Ideas that... aw, never mind. Even we got our crapola limits.
Notice: Due to numerous requests, threats, and just plain whining, no Al Gore joke request shall appear here.
Definition of Irony; The new judge presiding over the Microsoft case, was chosen randomly by computer.
Lucy on Port Charles discovers she's descended from a long line of Vampire Slayers. Ooh. Sounds like someone better discover they're descended from a long line of Lawsuit Slayers.
Does anyone out there really care that the UPN series Manhunt was supposedly fixed? And does anyone besides us figure that the "fix" was leaked on purpose as a Ratings Ploy?
Did the Official Food Snob Union ever decide whether the proper spelling for that cheese was "Blue" or "Bleu"? Or is there some sort of Snotty Cuisine requirements you gotta meet so your cheese is allowed to reverse the "E" and "U" and get that lovely faux-french aura about it?
Yep, what better way to plug the new Emeril sit-com than with that delightful old joke about Fat People Stealing Food?
The Tron sequel/remake/whatever Official Working Title; Tron 2.0. Feel free to begin heaving now, just be warned we got a 3-day head-start on you.
From our No One Cares, But We Got 30 Lines To Fill file; Seems the pitcher for the Bronx Little League World Series team was not only 14 (and thus too old for Little League), but possibly an Illegal Immigrant (which disqualifies him, as well). But, all this doesn't answer the real question; What does it say about your team when you have a Ringer who pitches perfect and near-perfect games, and you still LOSE!!
XFL Update of the Indeterminate Time Period; The XFL World Champs had to *BUY* their Championship Rings for 120 bucks apiece. So, *how* many of you XFL guys wanted a career in the WWF, again?
Only in Lawsuit-Happy countries like ours do we have Sample Tables in grocery stores, where we can see people taking the food out of ovens right there in front of us, that by law have to have a sign on them saying "DANGER: FOOD AND OVEN ARE HOT".
Yes, we've all heard about the article concerning the Simpsons and their treatment of Religion and all, thanks. You can stop any time, now.
And what does it say about your Newspaper/Magazine if one of the Feature Stories is an article about another magazine's Feature Stories?
The Ebay people have supposedly put together an idea for a TV series. This is known in the Industry as "Let's Keep Tossing Shit At The Wall Until Something Sticks.".
Here's a scary thought to sleep on, tonight; Every 13 minutes, another Theatre company performs either Annie or Sweeney Todd. And not as any sort of cross-over, which would at least have a bit of camp value.
And every few days, someone connected with the movies takes in one of these performances and thinks "Hmmmmm....could work again...."
Balthayzr was just glad he was wearing a wetsuit.