Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

August 27th, 2001
August 20th, 2001
August 13th, 2001
August 6th, 2001
July 30th, 2001
July 23rd, 2001
July 16th, 2001
July 9th, 2001
July 2nd, 2001
June 25th, 2001
June 18th, 2001
June 11th, 2001
June 4th, 2001
May 28th, 2001
May 21st, 2001
May 14th, 2001
May 7th, 2001
April 30th, 2001
April 23rd, 2001
April 16th, 2001
April 9th, 2001
April 2nd, 2001
March 26th, 2001
March 19th, 2001
March 12th, 2001
March 5th, 2001
February 26th, 2001
February 19th, 2001
February 12th, 2001
February 5th, 2001
January 29th, 2001
January 22nd, 2001
January 15th, 2001
January 8th, 2001
January 1st, 2001

December 25th, 2000
December 18th, 2000
December 11th, 2000
December 4th, 2000
November 27th, 2000
November 20th, 2000
November 13th, 2000
November 6th, 2000
October 30th, 2000
October 23rd, 2000
October 16th, 2000
October 9th, 2000
October 2nd, 2000
September 25th, 2000
September 18th, 2000
September 11th, 2000
September 4th, 2000
August 28st, 2000
August 21st, 2000
August 14th, 2000
August 7th, 2000
July 31st, 2000
July 24th, 2000
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July 3rd, 2000
June 26th, 2000
June 19th, 2000
June 12th, 2000
June 5th, 2000
May 29th, 2000
May 22nd, 2000
May 15th, 2000
May 8th, 2000
May 1st, 2000
April 24th, 2000
April 17th, 2000
April 10th, 2000
April 3rd, 2000
March 27th, 2000
March 20th, 2000
March 13th, 2000
March 6th, 2000
February 28th, 2000
February 21st, 2000
February 14th, 2000
February 7th, 2000
January 31st, 2000
January 24th, 2000
January 17th, 2000
January 10th, 2000
January 3rd, 2000

December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

A Random Xmas

September 3rd, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: More WWF news (and thus more proof that this column is tossed together at the last minute on Monday Night, like more proof was needed), another link to a random web page used in place of humor, and yet another XFL story somehow manages to crawl out of the garbage. Oh, and another Soap Opera bit that once again makes people question our statements about us not watching Soap Operas. Interesting how often the words "again" and "another" appear in these Introductions, isn't it?

Uh, considering the WWF's rather spotty history, should they really be doing any sort of commercials for any sort of "Supplements"? Even if it is just some Metabo-Life rip-off?

And the best thing about Cartoon Network's Adult Swim is that our weekly required amount of Zorak is at last being met...

The second best thing about Adult Swim is Cowboy Bebop, an Anime refreshingly free of Giant Robots, Over-The-Top Martial Arts, and Tentacle Rape. Hell, look closely, there's actually some sort of story line going on...

And a big hearty Thanks A Lot to all the idiots out there who were always making jokes about Stallone's Plans to make a Broadway Musical out of Rocky. Seems the big lug has taken all the teasing as a challenge, and has actually gone ahead and done it. Hope you're all proud of yourselves.

Not that we ever made jokes about it. Nope. Never made light of any of the Stallone Family. We ain't even gonna ask if Frank Stallone is writing any Power Ballads for the show. No sir.

Maybe the WWF Vs. The Alliance angle would be working out a lot better if the Alliance were portrayed as a believable enemy, and not a group that would look more at home piling out of a tiny car in the Center Ring.

Just to show you we're not just all about being MEAN, we're going to offer some advice that will save you valuable time: A typical TV or Movie Blooper is someone flubbing a line, taking a misstep, or some prop screwing up; everyone has a good chuckle, and/or the director makes a request for everyone to calm down and get back on script. There. Now you don't have to sit through any more Dick Clark TV Shows or order any of those "wacky" Out-Take Videos any more.

Want a special surprise for that next potluck Supper? Try Manbeef, the delicious alternative to hum-drum meals. And look at it this way, the name alone makes it the idea site to bring up (and accidentally leave) on the unattended computers of co-workers or displays in Malls or Department Stores.

WWF Access. Yeah, that's what the world needed. An updated version of the old USA Tuesday Night Titans talk show.

Okay, we've heard all the joke ideas for Reality Shows. And we've heard all the jokes about the jokes about Reality Shows. Find a neutral corner and take a time-out.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2046, the problems of Insensitive Pro Sports Team names will be solved when the Teams are all re-named for the Mega-Corporations that pay for the privilege ("Tonight, the Chicago Windows will battle the San Francisco Kotex") College teams will follow suit after a study concludes that college players have been making fortunes playing for years, so why not let them take the money legally and keep them from jumping to the NFL early?

Actual News Story: Two Georgia State University sociologists have completed a study showing that people who want to have sex, but for some reason cannot, are frustrated and unhappy. The authors of this study claim that this is valuable research, and besides it only cost 5000 bucks. 4900 of which we're sure wasn't spent on a Hawaiian Vacation. Hey, bikini-clad people are a valuable part of sex research, right?

And we can tell you why Stars are putting up Web Sites about themselves. 1) Because it keeps their name Out There. An active web site makes it look like the star is actually out there doing stuff that their Fan Base needs to be kept updated about, 2) They're hoping the web site will contain enough information to keep the stalkers satisfied enough to stay the hell out of their back yards and garbage cans, and 3) It gives them an excuse to grab before some drooling fanboy nabs it and fills it with Fake Nudes.

Know what's almost as annoying as people who post Spam across almost every single newsgroup? Self-appointed vigilantes who insist on following-up every single one of the spams with "You've been reported". Yes, spammers should be busted. But, posting the news that you've done it is just a *tad* self-serving, isn't it?

And a Moment Of Silence for Mike Dertouzos, credited as the Creator of the World Wide Web, who we're sure died a happy, satisfied man after seeing how his invention was used for the Betterment Of Mankind, where Great Minds got together and shared Ideas that... aw, never mind. Even we got our crapola limits.

Notice: Due to numerous requests, threats, and just plain whining, no Al Gore joke request shall appear here.

Definition of Irony; The new judge presiding over the Microsoft case, was chosen randomly by computer.

Lucy on Port Charles discovers she's descended from a long line of Vampire Slayers. Ooh. Sounds like someone better discover they're descended from a long line of Lawsuit Slayers.

Does anyone out there really care that the UPN series Manhunt was supposedly fixed? And does anyone besides us figure that the "fix" was leaked on purpose as a Ratings Ploy?

Did the Official Food Snob Union ever decide whether the proper spelling for that cheese was "Blue" or "Bleu"? Or is there some sort of Snotty Cuisine requirements you gotta meet so your cheese is allowed to reverse the "E" and "U" and get that lovely faux-french aura about it?

Yep, what better way to plug the new Emeril sit-com than with that delightful old joke about Fat People Stealing Food?

The Tron sequel/remake/whatever Official Working Title; Tron 2.0. Feel free to begin heaving now, just be warned we got a 3-day head-start on you.

From our No One Cares, But We Got 30 Lines To Fill file; Seems the pitcher for the Bronx Little League World Series team was not only 14 (and thus too old for Little League), but possibly an Illegal Immigrant (which disqualifies him, as well). But, all this doesn't answer the real question; What does it say about your team when you have a Ringer who pitches perfect and near-perfect games, and you still LOSE!!

XFL Update of the Indeterminate Time Period; The XFL World Champs had to *BUY* their Championship Rings for 120 bucks apiece. So, *how* many of you XFL guys wanted a career in the WWF, again?

Only in Lawsuit-Happy countries like ours do we have Sample Tables in grocery stores, where we can see people taking the food out of ovens right there in front of us, that by law have to have a sign on them saying "DANGER: FOOD AND OVEN ARE HOT".

Yes, we've all heard about the article concerning the Simpsons and their treatment of Religion and all, thanks. You can stop any time, now.

And what does it say about your Newspaper/Magazine if one of the Feature Stories is an article about another magazine's Feature Stories?

The Ebay people have supposedly put together an idea for a TV series. This is known in the Industry as "Let's Keep Tossing Shit At The Wall Until Something Sticks.".

Here's a scary thought to sleep on, tonight; Every 13 minutes, another Theatre company performs either Annie or Sweeney Todd. And not as any sort of cross-over, which would at least have a bit of camp value.

And every few days, someone connected with the movies takes in one of these performances and thinks "Hmmmmm....could work again...."

Balthayzr was just glad he was wearing a wetsuit.

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