|August 13th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We pick on TNN a *lot* more than is necessary, make comments on junk food and the folks who love them too much, and make yet more inane comments that force people to cut-and-paste the lines into search engines in an attempt to find out just what exactly the hell we're talking about. Hell, we write this crap, and even we have to do that when we occasionally feed our egos by looking over old columns.
Drew Carey had a minor grabber over the week-end. Show of hands, who's surprised?
Another Show of hands; Considering he reportedly actually lives like his TV persona, with all the cheeseburgers and booze and such, who's surprised it took this long?
Note to the various News Agencies: Uh, doing occasional stories about "Are We Doing Too Many Stories About Bill Clinton?" does not excuse you from doing almost-daily borderline-stalker stories about Bill Clinton.
And we'd like to thank Jay and Silent Bob for putting the Hellspawned image in our heads of George Carlin performing Oral Sex on a big fat trucker.
OK, so WWF Smackdown is Live now. What does this mean, exactly? Besides the fact they can't edit out all the missed moves anymore.
Music Inspired By The Motion Picture....:Translation: Please Buy This Album Of Random Songs That Weren't Actually Part Of This Movie's Soundtrack.
7-11 will be stocking wines in the near future. Not really an earth-shaking news story, just a friendly reminder so the various would-be comedians out there can practice their "What wine goes with Microwave burritos" bits in time.
Uncle Vince has seemingly lost a lawsuit with the "other" WWF, the World Wildlife Fund, over the use of the WWF initials as a logo. Seems the tree-huggers had registered the initials first. (For the history buffs out there, WWF used to be the WWWF, for the World Wide Wrestling Federation, and thus wasn't using the other initials till fairly recently). Gee, Vince, the XFL takes a dive, the big WCW-ECW Invasion Angle isn't breaking any records, and now this. Nothing like a big bowl of Instant Karma as part of your complete breakfast, huh?
Gee, John Cleese, you've got time for crapola like Rat Race, but yet we still ain't got that Python Reunion Tour you guys keep promising...
Of course, one can kinda see John's position. Overpaid cameos in Hollywood Bombs probably pay better than doing stage shows with 8000 Computer Nerds yelling "THIS IS AN EX-PARROT" in unison at you. Probably a *lot* less creepy, as well.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2061, the ultimate "What Do You Buy The Man Who Has Everything?" gift will be made available: The Personal Medical Squad. For a monthly fee, a team of highly-trained and equipped Medical Professionals will follow the gift recipient wherever he goes, ready to render Emergency Aid, Check Ups, and Medical Advice (Don't eat that!) whenever necessary.
Note to the Starburst people; Uh, we really don't think we *want* to eat candy that somehow managed to stay "fresh" while sitting for months trapped between the cushions of a car's back seat.
If we understand, the stereotype goes something like this; Wizards in fantasy films and novels and such have long, flowing hair and beards, supposedly because they're so busy doing research that they don't have time to get haircuts or shaves. So, exactly when do they have time to shampoo and comb those mops, because the images always show them looking so clean? And wouldn't a shave/haircut take less time in the long run? Or are we just babbling to fill out a column?
We're of the opinion that Roger Ebert gives good rating to Summer Mind Jell-O films like Tomb Raider not just because of the Breast element, but so he looks like less of an Art Movie Snob in his mind. ("Hey, I'm a Regular Guy! Tomb Raider roxxor!")
And we're sure the first thing people voted off of Weakest Link hear when they walk backstage isn't "Excuse me, could you come over here to the Interview area and say something Catty about the other contestants?".
Exactly how do you trust an Insurance Agent that commits fraud on your behalf in an attempt to get your Insurance Payments lowered ("Let's see what your Monthly is if we say you and your wife drive 0 miles to work every day...")?
We're so happy that TNN has picked up re-runs of Star Trek: The Next Generation, because no one else has *ever* shown them since the show went off the air...
And commercials for Trek on TNN show shots of Deep Space Nine and Voyager (thus hinting they may get picked up), as well as a lot of the Trek Movies. So, you wouldn't give Vince McMahon's version of WCW it's own show because you don't want to be known as a Wrestling Network. But, you somehow think it's just fine to be known as a Trek Nerd Network?
Fair warning, though: The first time you guys at TNN do any sort of "Best/Sexiest Captain" Trek tie-in crapola, we're buying Teflon bullets for the sniper rifle and taking a couple vacation days for a nice, Southern vacation...
Okay, Let The Bodies Hit The Floor has officially hit the "Things Older People Say In An Attempt To Look Cool" arena.
Corn Nuts: Corn Gone Wrong. Uh, we don't think we want to be eating a snack food where it sounds like the Makers are admitting they made it improperly.
And, having not picked on TNN enough this week: Why the hell are you guys jumping on the Robot Wars Bandwagon? The WWF that desperate to give Mick Foley something to do now that he's "retired", yet still under contract?
The International Chess Committee wants to get chess into the Olympics. All fine and dandy. Trouble is, they have to obey *all* the Olympic Committee rules. Meaning they have to test for drugs. You read that right, Olympic Chess Team Members must be tested for Steroids, Human Growth Hormone, and other Performance Enhancing Drugs. There is absolutely no comment we could make at this point that could be in any way a match for the story itself...
Hell Sure Is Balmy This Time Of Year; John "Don't call me Cougar" Mellencamp and Steven King are co-writing what's been described as an "All-American Musical".
Hell Sure Is Balmy This Time Of Year, Part II: The new Barbie doll is the N'Sync Fan Barbie, complete with Concert T-Shirt and Signs she can hold over her head and wave. That *has* to violate some sort of Natural Law. Please?
Hulk Hogan turned 48 this past week. And he's *still* hard at work shopping his new Wrestling Federation (where he's the main star, of course) around to various Syndicators and Investors. Hey, anything to keep a Santa With Muscles or any other Hogan Movie from getting made. Hell, we'll take up a collection for his Federation...
Note to Jamie Lee: Your "Come Hither" poses do not make us want to buy a cell phone. They do bring to mind Phone-Related businesses, but ones that require us to dial 1-900 numbers and ask us if we're over 18 years old.
Oh, and, uh, Gorillaz RULZ! Did we spell that right?
Tip Of The Indeterminate Time Period: Ignore any newsgroup posting whose Subject Header is either 1) ALL IN CAPS, or 2) Contains the letters OT (for Off Topic). 99.9% of the time, you won't have missed much of anything.
And why are you reading this when you could be ordering, and perhaps even watching, the All New Extreme Rodeo Bloopers Video Set?
Balthayzr is a Beefy, Spicy Butterfly.