|July 30th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We go on a multi-line rant against Viruses and the morons who spread them (yeah, we know it's Virii, but we don't want some people straining a frontal lobe trying to decipher that), discuss the ending of Planet of the Marky Marks, and make more snap judgements about Movies based on 15-second TV Teaser Trailers. Sorry, we spent all the Schizo Research Money trying to complete our Stars Of Porno Card Game collection.
Okay, "You go, Girl!" is not even funny in a "Look how lame I am!" kind of way. Time to put it to rest before the Sniper Rifle comes out.
Have Scientists ever figured out the socio-sexual reasons on why a Regular guy sweating is ok (and in some cases sexy), but a Heavy guy sweating is Gross?
Sign That Chris Carter And Fox Might Be Getting A *Little* Desperate; Rumors are being floated that Agent Scully may be turned into a lesbian.
Now, let's think here a second, kids: This is Network TV. Despite trends set by NYPD "Whose Ass Ain't We Seen Yet?" Blue, chances are you're *not* going to see an X-Files episode featuring a sweaty, panting Scully and female friend rolling around nude. You might, *might* see a kiss. You'll just have to satisfy yourse....uh, be satisfied with that.
The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement? Apparently, we're supposed to stop having kids, so the Human Race dies out and Mother Earth can Heal. Uh, maybe we weren't paying attention, but we thought Species Extinction was something we were supposed to *stop*...
And we might take your little organization a little more seriously if your Logo didn't look like something out of Austin Powers.
Ghosts Of Mars, or What's Scarier Than Zombies? Spaceman Zombies! WHOO!.
Meanwhile, at the Westchester Medical Center in New York, a 6-year-old boy was killed when the powerful electromagnet in the MRI machine the boy was in yanked a heavy Oxygen Cylinder across the room, crushing the boy's skull. Exactly how do you explain to Lawyers and Insurance companies that a young boy died because College-Educated Health Professionals forgot that Magnets Attract METAL?
Ah, Mark Wahlberg. He's gonna be 80 years old, and people will *still* be calling him "Marky Mark". Not that he doesn't deserve to be reminded of that every minute for the rest of his life, mind you...
Note to the makers of American Outlaws; Maybe using the same basic Advertising Strategy as A Knight's Tale isn't the Brightest idea...
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: IN 2019, computer software manufacturers will discover a fool-proof way to prevent the spread of viruses: By default, all E-mail clients be set to *not* allow you to open attachments. They will then send out an E-mail attachment "virus" that will change existing E-mail Client Default Settings to Not Allow the Opening of attachments. Since 99% of computers users have no idea on how to go to the Option Settings and change them (and the 1% that know how also are intelligent enough to use anti-virus software and NOT open strange attachments), the computing world will be made Safe For All.
Geez, that was a *long* way to go for a Tirade, wasn't it? Sorry, but it's not like anti-virus software is Expensive. And it's not like you have to use more than one brain cell to wonder why a guy at work that you've never exchanged 3 words with suddenly sends you a bunch of "humorous" or "sexy" pictures that are .EXE files...
And it's also not hard to apply security patches, especially on Windows machines. Just open your Start Menu, go to Windows Update up near the top of it, and check all the "Security Updates" on the page that eventually comes up. Then hit the friendly Download Button. Nice and easy, huh? Next time, we begin Toilet Training.
A Fox Spokesman, after numerous complaints that the end of Planet Of The Apes makes *no* sense, basically replies "You want sense out of a movie about Talking Monkeys?" As a matter of fact, yes, we'd like the movie we just spent 10 bucks to see to not look like it was written by someone who read the original novel while drunk back in High School.
And we're also hoping that none of our 10 bucks went in the pocket of this idiot spokesman. One of the Biggest Opening Movies of all time, the big budget, one of the most respected directors, and that's the best story you can come up with?
Every day, in every way, Sam Donaldson looks less and less like himself, and more and more like a Sam Donaldson Muppet...
If the Webby Awards proved one thing, it's that 95% of the people who are on the Internet really need to stay *on* the Internet, and out of the public eye.
Disney has purchased the Fox Family Channel. Which we're afraid probably means we're gonna be getting about 10 times as much Olson Twins crapola...
Oh, and here's a scary thought: Reportedly, as part of the deal, Disney now owns Saban Entertainment's properties. Meaning DISNEY OWNS THE POWER RANGERS. Eep.
Note to Mariah Carey's "People": Everyone knows what "Checked in a hospital for treatment of Exaustion" means. It's the 21st Century. Come up with a new term for "Climbed In A Bottle And Needs Help CLimbing Out".
OK, Show Of Hands; Who's surprised that Evolution, despite it's meager Box Office, is reportedly going to be a cartoon series on Fox?
OK, Show Of Hands; Who wants to be that our 4 intrepid Alien Hunters end up with some cute Alien Pet?
And a Moment Of Silence for the web site Wrestlecrap, who amused thousands with the history of Wrestling's Most Embarrassing Moments, like WWF's The Gobblety Gooker (A guy wrestling in a turkey suit who was gonna be the WWF's "mascot"), and the time Robocop Rescued Sting From The 4 Horsemen (Don't ask). And here's the odd part; the site died from being *too* successful, being booted off numberous Web Hosts for using too much bandwidth from all the visits...
Note to Eyada.com; Mayhap it's not the best thing for a failed web site to do, listing the names of everyone who worked on it on the site's "We're Out Of Business" page. "Yes, we failed. And here's the folks who helped make it all possible...". Of course, in typical SCHIZOTRICHIA luck, they'll probably have taken it down by the time you read this.
Ok, someone really needs to tell Joan Rivers that all her face lifts have given her eyes the appearance of a someone pulling on the sides of their eyes so as to appear like a stereotype of an Oriental Person.
Note to anyone posting MP3s: There seems to be plenty of A*Teens MP3s available, thank you. Our favorite search engines flood us with links to A*Teens MP3s. We don't even know who the HELL they are, and we hate them and their MP3s.
Special Alert To Folks Who Keep Track Of This Sort Of Thing; The Jewfish has been renamed, thanks to a grass-roots effort composed of several Rabbis, to the Goliath Grouper. Please update your files. Thank you.
Fox's Mon Colle Knights, or Are We Too Late For The Collectable Card Game Bandwagon?.
TVMusic4U; Seeing how many times we can repackage our library of about 100 old songs and get you to buy them.
Oh, and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor. We understand that it's "kewl" to say that at random. Far be it from us to be left behind the curve.
Balthayzr has *never* entertained any sort of Scully Lesbian Fantasy. Nope. Not a one.