|August 6th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: SCHIZOTRICHIA is 2 years old! And, much like a 2 year old, no one understands 90% of what we say, there's still lots of crap coming out at random, and we have a tendency to run off in random directions. But, at least we've managed to keep the drooling down to a minimum.
And we know you must be looking forward to the new PS2 title Darkened Skye as much as we are. Because who wouldn't love a dark, gritty RPG where you save the world from the grip of a dark wizard with the help of Skittles, The Candy You Eat Off The Ground?
Speaking of video games, are we so stupid in this country that they have to put the word "Advance" in the title of some of the GameBoy Advance games, in order to inform people that it is indeed made for the Advance, in case they don't believe the "Made for GameBoy Advance" label?
Maybe there wouldn't be the New, Improved Code Red II Worm if people didn't go on TechTV and News Shows and explain why the first one wasn't working as intended. Kinda like going on TV and saying "Know why this bomb didn't explode? Wrong gauge of wire. He should replace them, and use gold contacts"...
Goodness, is it time for the "Keith Richards had a blood-cleansing done in Mexico to get the drugs out of his system." rumor to start popping up again? How time flies.
Okay, the next person to complain about all the Road Construction In Summer gets to listen to our 5-hour lecture entitled "How Low Temperatures Prevent Concrete And Asphalt From Setting Properly.".
Sign Of Imminent Failure: If your TV show's title is a pun based on your, or your character's, name.
You newsgroup trolls have *got* to work harder. Most folk are learning to ignore idiots who wander into a newsgroup dedicated to a Product or Entertainment Source, and type in "That SUX! And you all sux for liking it!".
See, life is too short to burn it chasing morons (Unless you get paid for it.) There's some idiot in a newsgroup or IRC or discussion forum who's a Major Pain In The Ass, ignore them. Don't post follow-ups to their trolls, threatening to report them, or asking they shut up. These idiots feed on attention. Starve them, and move on.
Unless they're *amusing* follow-ups, and you succeed in making the Moron look even more like one. Then, please, feel free to entertain us and provide us with Column Fodder.
Inside Schwartz; or Dream On, but with a Sportscasting motif!.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Human Cloning will be perfected in 2172. And, exactly as predicted, the uses of said clones will be to provide guilt-free Swinger's members (because screwing your wife's clone ain't cheating, right?), and for lazy workers and schoolchildren to have someone to send in their place after they spent the whole night playing EverQuest or Unreal Tourney. In 2173, the president will sign an Law ordering the public execution of anyone doing the "Send In The Clones" bit.
The Lumberjack Games, those amusing little diversions where it looks like someone had a bar bet to see how many different "games" you could make up with woodworking equipment and dead trees, now seems to be called The Outdoor Games. Yeah, that'll work just fine, thanks.
Uh, yes, we've heard all the wacky theories we care to hear on why people keep going back to Jurassic Park, thanks.
Of course, the real reason they go back being, idiots keep paying ten bucks a shot to *watch* them go back. (Jurassic Park Old Joke #319. Collect Them All!).
Exactly why does the Catholic Church feel they have to have a patron saint for everything? Do they think a Catholic is going to, say, have trouble with their DVD Player, find there's no Official Patron Saint of DVDs to pray to for help, and switch religions in an attempt to find aid?
Yes, as a matter of fact, we *do* remember when MTV used to play Music Videos. We also remember when Fish Police was a cartoon show. Wanna have an Anniversary celebration for that, too?
Whoo! Charlton Heston as an Ape in the new Planet Of The Apes! And he does a gun-related gag! IT'S FUNNY!
Exactly when did the comic strip Cathy become What Would Happen If Dilbert Was A Woman??
Bubble Boy! You'll Laugh! You'll Cry! You'll Get Bored After 5 Minutes, Which Is About How Long It'll Take For Our One Joke To Wear Thin!
Incoming Clue Alert: It's going to be very hard to settle the GameCube vs. XBox vs. PlayStation 2 argument until after this November, when all 3 will be available for us to play and judge.
Incoming Clue Alert, Part II: Know why it's hard to judge a system before it's released? 1) Most games change a *lot* in the month or so before release, and 2) About 80% of Game's Screen Shots are run through PhotoShop to make them look better. See a Lens Flare? PhotoShop.
And a Special SCHIZOTRICHIA Honesty Award goes out to Ben Affleck, for actually admitting he was checking into an Alcohol Treatment Center for Abuse, and not using the old "Exhaustion" excuse. And as a reward for your Frankness, Ben, we'll avoid the obvious "We'll buy you a brew when you get out" bit.
The whole "Synergy" thing? it's Over. Dilbert doesn't even really use it as a punch line any more. And no two people could ever really agree on exactly what it meant. Let it go quietly, please.
The Digital Sundial. Leave it to Modern Man to take an old, worn-out Punch Line and actually make the thing in question. Wanna bet one of you out there somewhere end up with this under his/her Tree this Christmas?
Here's a scary thought to carry to bed tonight: We are *way* overdue for a "Pregnant Man" movie.
Why do they need "People Crossing" Signs at Tollbooths? How the hell do people think the workers get to those booths? Raised in them since birth? Carried in through an underground tunnel system? Or is it just some Lawyer thing, like the Hot Coffee label on Take-Out Hot Coffee?
Midway Games is officially DOA. Meaning that Ultimate Mortal Kombat 8 Special Championship Edition: The New Warriors might be delayed a little.
And rumor has it that Microsoft will be buying the company. So, get all your "FINISH HIM!" puns out of your system now, please...
And supposedly the Official Name of the next Star Wars film is Attack Of The Clones. Yeah, that'll look just fine on a Taco Bell glass...
So, when did Roger Corman get that job at the Skywalker Ranch, anyway? Because that's the only theory we can come up with for all these goofy-assed "Prequel" names.
Balthayzr really needs to remember that it's 3rd, not 3th.