|January 28th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Breast news that we're sure you've read in about 900 other columns by now, we talk Football in an attempt to Butch Up, and Enron sounds awful close to L. Ron. No connection or anything, we just like to yank the Clams' Collective Search-Engine Chain whenever we can.
And, having opened our Big Mouths about the attempted movie/TV career of the "Dude, yer getting a DELL" goofus, news has come out that he's not only getting a TV series, but that he *is* being seriously considered for several Movie Roles. Feel free to insert your own "Next Pauly Shore" joke here, because we're afraid to make any more comments about this idiot for fear that he'll be given a Talk Show or something.
Quote Of The Time Period That It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "Those breasts were lethal weapons. The Pretty Kitty should not have allowed Miss Kane to have her bust enhanced to the size that she did. We hope that by filing this lawsuit, we can send a message to other strippers: keep your bra size within a reasonable range." - George Greene, father of Daniel Greene, a guy who was smothered between the size 72-DD Breasts of a stripper at the Pretty Kitty club during his bachelor party. See, this is why most people have these kind of sound bites done by a smart lawyer, because a smart lawyer would mention to Mr. Greene that you're not going to win a lot of Sympathy for your case by suggesting some sort of Breast Police be created.
Insert your own "How does she lay down to sleep at night/go jogging/buys bras from the Hammock Catalogue" bits here.
By the by, if it does come down to having some sort of Breast Police, we'd like to volunteer our services.
That's right, groan over the old joke. Like all you other Men out there weren't thinking the same thing.
The NY Times issued an "update" to reporters to not use the term "girlfriend" any more, but to instead use the term "who he dates". The paper's always been a bit PC, but you know there's something wrong when the Grey Lady starts taking Editorial Policy from old "Cathy" comic strips...
Speaking of "Cathy"; You'd think after all these years of drawing it, the artist would have actually gotten *better* at it.
Of course, we've been writing SCHIZOTRICHIA for years, and we're certainly not showing any major signs of winning a Webby Award, so guess we ain't got much room to talk. Or type. Must have something to do with all the old Groaners we keep using to pad out the column...
A New gender-neutral Bible has been released, substituting "Children of God" for "Sons of God" and just altogether removing all generic references to "Men" and "Sons" and such. Yeah, that's why all those heathens aren't dropping their copies of the Koran or whatever and becoming Christians, it's because of the gender bias in the Instruction Manual.
So, which is worse; Having been "Alleged" to have done something, or being arrested for "Suspicion" of having done something?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Money and research facilities for the development of a working Time Machine will finally come not from the Government or any Large University, but from the Sports Souvenir Industry, so that they can use the device to travel into the future, learn who will win specific Championship games, and have only the appropriate caps/shirts/foam fingers printed up in time.
Here's a small quiz. Pick out the company/director that thinks *way* too much of themselves; First Season DVD of The Simpsons; About 30 bucks. First Season DVD of Buffy; About 30 Bucks. First Season DVD of M*A*S*H; About 30 Bucks. First Season DVD of The X-Files; Over 100 bucks.
SCHIZOTRICHIA Helpful Hint; Cold Medicines, like Alka-Seltzer and Nyquil, don't go "bad" for quite a long time. Thus, it shouldn't be that big a chore to keep a supply on hand so that, when the Time comes, you're not dragging your germ-ridden body through the store, infecting the healthy people who just stopped by for Pop and the Paper.
"Hosted by the stars of (insert show's name here)": Translation: "Their show's dying on the vine, so we hope the extra face time they're getting here helps a bit." :Translation 2: "Our show's dying on the vine, so we're hoping having them on our show helps a bit.".
Think the makers of the new version of RollerBall remember that the original was a Social Satire? Probably not.
And A Moment Of Silence for Astrid Lindgren, the creator of Pippi Longstocking, who passed away at the age of 94. Probably due to side effects suffered after decades of seeing every single film/TV version of his creation make everyone's Worst lists...
Tin Foil Hat Alert; John Baxter, Ex-vice Prez of that there Enron company that everyone's going on about, was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. So, get ready to see your Email Inbox and favorite newsgroups to be filled with all sorts of hare-brained theorizing on what exactly happened to him, and why.
Let's get this straight; This new show on Animal Planet, it's about a Pet Psychic? Someone who reads the mind of your pet and tells you what it's thinking? Huh. Guess if your gonna be one of Animal Planet's Resident Animal Nuts, being a Pet Psychic is probably the safest way to do it...
From our Warm-And-Fuzzy Feel-Good file; While Jeannette Winter, one of the Marines killed in the copter crash over in Afghanistan, was being buried last week, some lovelies broke into the family's house and ransacked it. The scariest part of this was the statement from the Police, where they stated that crooks break into the house of families gone to funerals all the time. Isn't that just Lovely? Just remember, it's all Society's Fault.
With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, we know you're probably still trying to figure out the Perfect Gift to give to that special someone. May we suggest tickets to Tammy Faye Bakker Whatever's One Woman Show? Can you imagine the look on that Special Person's face when they open the box containing Front Row seats, which we get the feeling are Still Available?
We are Shocked And Surprised that the Theme for this year's SuperBowl Halftime show is "A Tribute To America". So, no tuning out for Playmate Celebrity Fear Factor, you unpatriotic commie Taliban Sympathizer, you.
Remember, in order to look cool and knowledgable about Current Events, you have to blame Bush and Cheney for the collapse of Enron. If people ask you why, explain about how Republicans got Campaign cash from Enron. If they point out that Democrats got money, too, feel free to call them Fascists that don't care that people got their 401k cash stolen from them. We guarantee that, at this point, they'll most probably stop talking to you.
Not that we're taking sides, here. We're just always amused by people who blame Anything Bad That Happens Anywhere on the Opposing Political Party.
Speaking of Current Events; Anyone else think "The American Taliban" sounds like the title of one of those Chick Flicks that gets re-released to theatres just before Oscar Time?
ESPN has made the programming decision to begin showing Movies and Original Series. Guess people just aren't as interested in X-Treme Lumberjack Games and 10-year-old Strongman Contests as they thought, huh?
Frankie "Malcolm In The Middle" Muniz is taking another swing at the Big Screen, in Big Fat Liar. Or, as it's better known under it's Working Title. Dude, Where's My Screenplay?.
And we're really beginning to look forward to the part of Mr. Muniz's career where he starts angrily telling people to stop calling him "Frankie" as he does a reading for either Sipowtz's new partner on NYPD Blue, or a screen-test for the latest Stephen King Mini-Series.
Note to the NFL; No matter what you do, you're never going to come up with an Instant Replay Rule that satisfies everyone. So, just do whatever you think is right, and just ignore the big-mouths on the SportsTalk radio stations who use this complaint to fill time between announcements of Coach Firings.
Now might be a good time to go take down your Christmas Stuff.
Balthayzr knows that somewhere along the line some idiot is going to try to come out with a Religion-Free Bible.