|January 7th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: He's God's Buddy now, Osama takes a page from Puff Daddy's book, and more Britney Spears news that people keep sending us. Honest. We don't go entering her name into Search Engines AT ALL. Ever.
From our Cell Phone Hell file; The WWF has issued a license allowing the creation of a WWF Wrestling game to be played on cell phones. So, you can sit and figure out the button combination to do the Stone Cold Stunner and hope you don't accidentally dial the Tibetian Tourist Information Bureau instead.
Of course, it does give you something interesting to do while you wait for those Playboy Pin-ups to download...
Alright, is it Osama or Usama? Or is this something like Moamar Ghadaffi, where he spells his name 800 different ways, and no matter which one you pick, it's the most disrespectful one?
Of course, maybe one of the reasons these people hate us this much is the whole "Margaret/Maggy/Polly/Daisy - William/Bill/Willy - John/Jack" Name song and dance we in the West play that they ain't quite getting...
Is it some Law that the WWF has to dig up the old "Ambiguously Gay Tag Team" bit about every 3 years?
Sign that your Newsgroup isn't exactly the Hotbed Of Intelligent Discussion it might have once been; When at least 50% of the daily postings are some sort of "Who Cares?" poll like "What's on your Computer Desk?" or "What's the Worst thing you ever got as a Gift?".
And the next person who says anything about their own wacky "Conspiracy Theories" on why Buddy, the dog of ex-president Clinton, was "killed", gets an Official SCHIZOTRICHIA Back-Of-The-Head Slap.
That includes any wondering about whether the driver of the car that killed him is going to end up with an IRS Audit or having their character questioned by James Carville or the like.
However, this does answer one question we had; Whether or not Post-Presidential Secret Service Protection extends to Pets. Hey, when you gotta fill 30 Lines Of Random CrapTM every week, you wonder about stuff like that.
Some last comments; Why the hell was Buddy's Death one of the Lead Stories on almost every Daily News Show we watched? And why the hell did we need a Bill Clinton Press Release Statement on how sad he was that his dog died? And why, if *we* don't care, did we just devote 4 lines to bitching about it?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Having gotten away with opening endless multitudes of Pop-Up and Pop-Under Window Ads, the next step On-Line Merchants will take are Applets that change your Desktop Pictures, Icons and/or Windows Sounds to their advertisements ("While you're downloading your mail, why not visit www.Lottanakedpeople.com?").
What's really scary; it took us 7 tries to come up with a Porn Site name that wasn't actually being used. And we came up with some pretty sick names, too.
Okay, can we all agree that it's the New Friggin' Millenium NOW?
A Moment Of Silence for Next Generation/NextGen Magazine, probably the only video game magazine that figured out that a lot of the people playing these games are over the age of 15, and aren't particularly interested in God Mode or Oversized Player's Heads codes, but in actual Reviews and Previews that aren't just reprints of Press Releases. And, being an intelligent, quality publication like this, you kinda knew it was doomed from the get-go...
If you're going to do something stupid like fly a small plane into a Hi-Rise in Tampa in order to "Help Out" Osama and his Terrorists, here's a bit of advice; try to leave behind a Photo for the news agencies that doesn't look like someone just dropped a Live Crab down your pants. Just a thought.
What, exactly, was the thinking behind the design of the new IMac? Come up with an even goofier, less practical-to-upgrade design? Invent a computer that looks like it should be fighting Dr. Who? A design that would be harder for appliance people to imitate?
Mike Skupin, the goofus that got "voted" off Survivor after he fell in a campfire, has also survived a plane crash and, more recently, a fire in his new Offices. Besides violating the Schizo Don't-Stalk-Celebs-When-They-Ain't-A-Celeb-No-More rule, we do have to say that whatever God's Plan is here, he might wanna get the Sights on it checked.
Or his Insurance Agency might want to send someone over to keep an eye on Mr. Accident Prone, here. This is how a lot of TV Murder Mystery Episodes get started, you know.
Britney Spears will be preforming in the (hold on to your hats for this moniker, kids) NBA All-Stars Read To Achieve Celebration. Where we're sure she'll explain why the song title "I'm A Slave 4 U" isn't a sign of her own Illiteracy.
Speaking of Ms. Spears, she's gotten into the habit of proclaiming during breaks in her performances that she's "Not a little Girl any more.". Yeah, think we all realized that sometime after the 3rd Boob Job, toots.
Now that the Feds have taken over the jobs of Security Screening in airports, they eliminated the requirement that applicants be a High-School Graduate. So, the gummint thinks that the problem with the Screeners is that they got too much of that there Education?
We're certainly glad that the Gaming Emulation community is perfecting MAME (Multiple Arcade Machine Emulator) for the XBox, because who doesn't want to use a 300 dollar machine hooked up to a 5000 dollar HDTV to play Pac-Man or Space Invaders?
Sign that the Fighting Game you just got may be on it's way to the Exchange Line pretty quick; If any of the combatants, in his Back-Story, was "Kicked out of (Insert Sport Name Here) for Being Too Violent/Injuring/Killing Someone.".
Once the War is over, what the hell does Geraldo think he's going to be doing at Fox News Channel?
Speaking of The War; Think we've Officially reached the Point where all that American Flag-Themed furniture and bric-a-brac has re-entered the realm of White Trash. And we're talking that Fun White Trash that shows up on COPS all the time. Sorry.
Another group of people needing an Official SCHIZOTRICHIA Back-Of-The-Head Slap; People who think that, if they put a Hanky over their finger, that it's perfectly OK to pick their nose in public.
What's worse than walking into someone else's Wafting Fart in public? When someone else walks into it, and glares over at you like it's all your doing.
Learn from our Mistakes; When you decide you're going to be Nice and hold the door open for an Elderly or Disabled person, make sure they're not leaning on the Door for Support...
And a Moment Of Silence for Bobby "The Brain/Weasel" Heenan, who is suffering from Throat Cancer. Our thoughts go out to one of the few people who perfected the Comedy Relief Heel Commentator, meaning he was actually Funny when he wanted to be.
Balthayzr's Anti-Drug is Crystal Meth.