|October 29th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Revenge Of The Return Of The Son Of The WTC, scary people who continue to haunt our televisions, and a couple of bits about Numbers because it's our turn to send out the secret FNORD Illuminati Messages.
Incoming Clue Alert; No one calls it the World Wide Web anymore. Calling it the World Wide Web makes you look a bit clueless.
Has anyone actually figured out what the hell RuPaul's talent is? Besides looking like the Queen Of The Amazons (no pun intended)(Ok, Ok, *maybe* Pun Intended)?
And we'd just like to thank TechTV host/Lockergnome/Whatever-the-hell-he-is Chris Pirillo for helping to continue the stereotype of computer users as squeaky, prepubescent, 4-eyed nerds who possess no social skills whatsoever. God bless you, sir.
Okay, we're as cynical as anyone when it comes to judging a movie based on commercials and Trailers. But, we're sorry, we keep looking at commercials for The One, and the small child inside us sees all the over-the-top crapola, and says "Cool". In case you were concerned, the therapy starts Wednesday.
What, exactly, does it mean when you go buy a bunch of Halloween candy, and the Total comes to $6.66?
Besides the fact that you're forced to listen to a lot of asinine jokes from the cashier and the goofs behind you in line, that is...
Lee Ryan, of the UK band Blue, recently got himself into a bit of Hot Water during an interview by yelling "Who gives a fuck about New York when Elephants are being killed?". Virgin, the company holding the group's recording contract, reportedly read the lad the proverbial Riot Act, after which the band announced that proceeds from their next single would be donated to the New York Victims Fund or whatever they're calling it this week. This begs the question; Is Lee Ryan 1) A complete asshole who said these things just to get his name in the paper?, or 2) A hypocritical asshole who turned on his own beliefs the second his Income was threatened?
We did have another theory, in which we put pondered on the idea of Virgin being Elephant poachers and not liking Ryan blabbing about it to the world, but we get enough fun mail from lawyers, thank you very much.
More "WTC Wakes Up The Loonies" News; Film-maker Jonathan M. Parisen, who last blessed us with the movie 800 (about the "fate" of TWA Flight 800), is now getting ready to bless us with his latest masterpiece STAIRWELL: Trapped In The World Trade Center. According to the rumor, the movie deals with a group of survivors trapped in a stairwell (no, really?) in the rubble, and their attempts to get out while they deal "with Personal Issues and with Each Other." Oh, and he's promised to use "fictional names" so as to not hurt anyone's feelings. Uh-huh. The question being not why the movie is being made, but why they actually waited this long to crank up the Exploitation Machine. Surely it's not anything relating to Good Taste.
Reason We Have Our Doubts About This Being True; One of the "stars" of this film is reported to be Conrad Brooks, one of Ed Wood's buddies who popped his head into Plan Nine From Outer Space. C'mon, you can tell us. Which one of you goofs planted this story?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2072, Congress will finally pass the Clarity In Advertising Act, which demands that any weird-ass TV advertisement must contain a disclaimer explaining what exactly is being advertised, and what the hell it's for. It gets temporarily bogged down in the House, however, due to the Clarity In VideoGames Advertising Rider, which demands that every Commercial for VideoGame titles must contain at least 10 consecutive seconds of actual, unretouched In-Game Footage.
Game To Play When You're Completely Bored In The Supermarket; Find the "butter substitute" with the most unappetizing, "We can't call it butter or we'll get sued" name. Our winner so far; Cub Foods "Spread Quarters", which sounds like a good name for a whorehouse.
A lot of folks have said this, but we're gonna say it anyways; Nostradamus, you didn't do anyone a bit of good predicting the future with these vague, one-size-fits-all predictions. The next "Seer" better damn well give us exact locations and dates of the Bad Things they're predicting, or there's gonna be Trouble, pal.
Seriously, why all the fuss about Flying Cars? It ain't gonna be anything like The Jetsons or The Fifth Element or Samurai Jack, with them zooming all over the Stratosphere. With all the lawsuit-happy crybabies, you know we're gonna be lucky if we're allowed to operate the damn things more than 2 inches above the ground...
Besides, you wanna be flying under someone who's just discovered, with a mouth full of snuff, that he's left his spit-cup at home? Or some idiot who is discovering the problem of eating Mayonnaise past it's "Sell By" date?
Most Wonderful Thing We've Gotten In The Mail This Week; An offer to buy "National Rifle Association" Personal Checks. Imagine the fun of going into, say, a Vegan Restaurant or other Politically Correct Stomping Grounds and watching them try to come up with a reason to not let you pay for your purchases with these things.
Yeah, it's 69 degrees out. Yeah, haha, very amusing. No one's ever come up with that before, ever.
Just remember, you're not "kewl" unless you brag that you've been reading The Onion since before it had a "Web Presence".
Was there actually a demand for the return of "Shrinky Dinks" and "G.I. Joe" and "My Pet Monster"? Or does "Market Research" in the Toy Industry nowadays translate to "Pawing thru our Old Toy Box"?
Who else besides us is Officially Sick of seeing Tony Hawk on their TVs?
However, the NHL Hitz commercial featuring the calf kicking the farm-hand in the crotch still amuses.
Who, exactly, are the Unsung Heroes who feed Dennis Miller and the rest of the Color People in Pro Football games all those amazingly useless pieces of trivia that are supposed to trick us into thinking these guys actually know something about the game? "You know, this game breaks the old record for Most Square Yardage Of Turf Caught In Faceguards last held by Fred Durfheimer of the Chicago Bears back in 1956.".
Speaking of Sports; Yes, we've all heard the theory that Yogi Berra said most, if not all, of those goofy things on purpose to keep his name in the papers. Suppose it beats the hell out of "retiring" and coming back every couple of years...
Incoming Clue Alert; Winter is coming. Soon, White, flaky stuff will fall from the sky, and pile up on everything. It's called "Snow", and it's relatively harmless. Just a heads-up so you don't panic when is starts while we're trying to drive on the same roads as you.
Note to the Various News Agencies; It is *not* "News" to send one of your reporters out on the internet to find, and report on, all the "Kill Bin Laben" games.
Absolute True Story That Happened By Us, Honest; A local Mall is Prohibiting "Any Masks, Make-Up, or anything else that hides a person's Identity" on anyone over the age of 10. So, are we to assume the Taliban is training a bunch of Midgets to dress up in Halloween Costumes and invade America's Malls? For what purpose, to hog all the Good Candy and leave the "real" Mall Trick-Or-Treaters with Popcorn Balls and Raisin Boxes?
ABC is showing the Facts Of Life Reunion movie this week. Why? Are we being punished for not going to see Atlantis enough times?
Of course, it's not like any of these ladies from that show are really doing anything else at the moment. "Mommy, isn't that our Avon Lady standing by Mrs. Garritt?".
Incoming Clue Alert; You are not the first wit that has said "I'm a lesbian trapped in a Man's Body.". In the name of all that's Holy, please be the last.
Balthayzr likes to answer the door on Halloween in blood-stained clothes, mutter "Uh-oh. Witnesses.", then quickly close the door again.