|October 8th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: This Week in the "We Feel Really, Really Bad About What Happened" News, Bad 80's Game Shows make Bad Modern Movies (Did we ever decide what we call this decade? The Naughts? The Zeroes? The Two Thousands?), and MST3K Has Risen From The Grave, Kinda.
Ya know, the nice thing about all these modern wars is we don't have to listen to any hare-brained discussions on SCUDs and Patriot Missiles.
Bill Murray is currently plotting out a Movie based on the old Press Your Luck Game Show Controversy (For those of you who don't have the complete history of Bad 80's Game Shows memorized, some goof won big bucks on this game show back then by memorizing the patterns on the Electronic Game Board and using this knowledge to "land" only on the Good Spots). Yeah, Bill, some geek sitting in front of a TV for hours on end calculating patterns should make for an exciting 1 1/2 hours. We sit through one too many cable showings of Quiz Show while waiting for those Charlie's Angels checks to show up?
Okay, "Losing Weight Naturally" does *not* involve drinking some weird chemical "shake" or gobbling pills that crank your Metabolism into high gear via Caffeine-like substances.
Pay close attention to the disclaimers next time you see ads for this sort of crap. Notice the people who lost weight using these things ATE LESS AND EXERCISED!
Speaking of ads, makers of cable commercials really need another way to show that people like their products than having them look at it and nod while smiling.
So, 2 people who work for the tabloid paper The Sun down in Florida have come down with Anthrax. How does this qualify as any sort of Terrorist Attack? Will America collapse once denied it's sources of made-up celeb gossip and cute animal pictures?
Going on a discussion newsgroup about a Video Game, and coming right out and asking where you can download a WarEz version of said game, is probably not the best way to make new friends online.
With all the modern technology at our disposal, you'd think we could come up with a way to take the sharp edges off of sheets of paper and end the horror that is Paper Cuts...
Okay, think we have *quite* enough Resident Evil-like games, with people in Gothic/Film Noir locals battling the Undead, thank you very much.
Best Story On What Exactly Happened On Sept 11th, So Far: The claims that is was done by the Israelites, so the world would kill their Palistan enemies for them. Sheesh, you planned this thing for HOW LONG, and this was the best story you could come up with? Why not just blame it on Invisible Elves?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2039, the FCC will finally get legislation passed that forbids any TV or Cable Network from running more than 3 episodes of any Series, past or Present, per 24-hour period. Exceptions will not be made for idiotic "Theme" showings, like All Christmas Episodes or All Episodes Featuring A Recently Deceased Person.
Rush Limbaugh has revealed on his show that he's almost deaf, and expects to completely lose his hearing by the end of the year. Just a heads-up so all the would-be comics out there can warm up those wacky "Head-Up-The-Ass" style jokes.
Yep, you are the first idiot to post "Hurray for Bin Laben! America deserved it!" as a troll in the newsgroups, you witty soul, you.
The MST3K crew now have a new gig with the Sci-Fi Channel folks, making some kind of humorous Streaming Media series called Edward The Less for their Web Site. In the Press release, the Sci-Fi.com folks claimed "We have been eager to work with these guys since MST3K ended its run in 1999.". Perhaps these good folk would like to go to TimmyBigHands.com, or peruse the Archives of Ironminds, and think about this decision...
But hell, at least it gives the various MST3K Stalkers something else to report on besides the various local Plays the Brains audition for, or bemoaning the Rhino release schedules...
And a special Thank You, Oh God Thank You goes out to Fox's DVD division, for including a nice new feature on the M*A*S*H Season One DVD; The option to turn off the damned Laugh Track.
Is it wrong that, despite the Heroin addiction and everything else, Boy George hasn't aged that badly? Or did we miss the Enquirer Photo series showing him healing a new face?
Incoming Clue Alert; At this point, if we haven't heard anything different from you or your "people", we'll assume that you feel badly about the World Trade Center attacks, thank you. You don't have to go make one of those Public Service Announcements informing us of your feelings on the matter.
Rodney King has managed to get himself in trouble with the Law *again*, reportedly once again drug/alcohol related. Ya think maybe, *just* maybe, it's time we realized that not all of Mr. King's problems are Revenge Plots by the L.A. Police?
Ya gotta love the new Miss Cleo Commercials, where she implies her troubles are because she's being Prosecuted For Her Beliefs. Well, yeah, if your Belief System is based on running a phony Psychic Hot Line, and tricking people into calling you back repeatedly, and training legions of Minimum Wage Workers to imitate your accent on the phone, then, yeah, we guess you're being Prosecuted...
So, with the Emmy's canned for this year, what happens? Do they mail the winners their trophies, do the winners have to drive by Emmy Headquarters and pick them up, do we just call the year a wash, what? We'd go check, but we really ain't that concerned.
And does Joan Rivers still collect a check for the Emmy Coverage? Because if she doesn't, you know she's gonna have to make up the difference by hawking more of her "jewelery" on QVC, and doing more Commercials, and God knows no one needs that...
Deep, deep down, we're sure a lot of businesses are kind of glad for the World Trade Center attacks. Because they can blame the attacks for the downswing in their Stock Prices and general Earnings.
George Gately, creator of a certain Fat Orange Tabby With An Attitude, passed on this past week. Without his comic strip creation, Heathcliff, we'd have no Garfield Empire, and probably no Mr. Potato Head comic (Since Garfield's creator does that, as well). But, we're certain he contributed to charities and was nice to the neighborhood kids or something, so we shouldn't totally write the poor man's life off...
Venerable fashion magazine Mademoiselle is stopping publication. Meaning you'll just have to find something else to get us for Christmas from now on.
Another Sign That Vince McMahon Really, Really Cares About Us; The Armageddon PPV is having it's name changed to PayBack, thus substituting the End-Of-The-World implications with a Let's-Get-Revenge Motif. Order NOW!
Is it just us, or has anyone else noticed that a majority of the "War Protestors" shown on TV and in the papers are of Draft Age? Just an observation.
Janet Jackson has cancelled her European Tour dates out of "Fear for the Safety of her Fans and her Entourage.". This, of course, has nothing to do with the American Tour dates that were cancelled because they almost couldn't give the tickets away.
You know what would just make everything go back to normal? If "The Mint" would publish a "World Trade Center Commemorative Coin", advertised with commercials featuring a Random Coin Collector informing us that this is the Best Collectable Coin Ever, and we need to show our Patriotism by purchasing at least 3.
Balthayzr is programming a Flash Game where you shoot a 2 Million Dollar Missile into a 10 dollar tent and try to hit a camel in the butt.