|September 24th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The WTC Tragedy causes a spread of Foot-In-Mouth Disease, the Revenge of Whoopi, and ESPN decided you're not paying nearly enough for the privilege of watching All-Star Curling.
Note to Bill Maher, host of Politically Incorrect; Don't take the Sponsors bailing on you Personally. This is just a bunch of Marketing People attempting to head off a Boycott for not looking Properly Patriotic.
Second Note to Bill Maher; Not that we're against people expressing their opinions on anything, but you *might* want to choose your words a bit more carefully in the future. Just so you don't have to spend most of your time making the rounds of Talk Shows trying to explain exactly what it was you were trying to say.
Sign That Things Are Starting To Get Back To Normal, Which Is Not Necessarily A Good Thing; People are threatening to sue Schools, City Halls, and other Public Buildings displaying "GOD BLESS AMERICA" signs, because they're violating the Separation Of Church And State. And we're sure this is based on Deep Personal Beliefs, and not on any visions of dancing dollar signs.
Ya know, the country really started going to hell about the time the Dick Tracy comic strip stopped using the Physically and Mentally Deformed as Villains. And we're not talking fat guys or tall, skinny women, either.
Someone wanna explain how National I.D. Cards are supposed to stop Terrorists? We got 10-year-old kids in this country that can make Fake I.D.s and counterfeit cash on their home computers, while playing EverQuest on their other computer at the same time. You can bet that if they Introduce this on Jan. 1st, we'll be seeing web sites offering "Make Your Own National I.D. Card" kits sometime around Jan. 3rd.
No, we haven't changed our stance on Cell Phones in light of the people who were saved by tracing their Cell Phone signals in the WTC rubble, or that Phone calls made from Planes helped piece together what happened. We've never been against Cell phones. We're against the self-important ignoramuses who get to playing with these things instead of paying attention to where they're driving/walking, or yak away on them in Movie Theatres, or whip them out in Malls or Grocery Stores so they can show them off to random strangers by discussing last night's ER episode in a loud voice.
And a Moment Of Silence for the Pabst Brewing Company, the Boone's Farm of Beer Companies, who are in the process of closing their last Brewery. We salute the company that launched a thousand Beer Can Collections.
"We have Career Placement Services!" :Translation: "We have a person who'll help you slap together a Resume. We also have many week-old copies of the local Want Ads for you to look through." .
So, they put Copy protection on Michael Jackson's "You Rock My World" CD single, but they're not going to put it on the Album it's a part of. Ooookay...
And the reason they're putting the Copy Protection in now, is the Single has been spotted all over the MP3 Download sites and Peer-to peer Music Exchange "Napster" Programs. Which is kinda the equivalent of installing smoke detectors in a building that's just burnt to the ground, but hey, we ain't Highly Paid Record Executives trying to revive the Gloved One's career.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2099, in accordance with his last wishes, the surviving members of the Bill Cosby Family will reveal that his "Muttering/Rambling" comedy style was due to a series of strokes, thus ending years of hare-brained speculation that it was something in the Jell-O.
Coming Soon to TNT; Call Me Clause, which appears to be a Musical featuring Whoopi "Theodore Rex" Goldberg and her efforts to save Christmas, with songs by Garth Brooks. Okay, this is the part where someone promises us that Whoopi ain't singin', before we start assembling the Sniper Rifle.
You realize that, if this were the Late 80's, this would be the point in time where the WWF would be introducing a new turban-wearing villain, probably named "Abu Ben Ladle" or the like.
And we'd like to thank Dr. Laura for once again proving her worth to the world by "implying" that allowing Women In The Military somehow contributed to the WTC Tragedy. Thanks, Laurie
The second best part of this being "the "Dr. Laura" show's senior vice president, Keven (sic?) Bellows" at first claiming to a Washington Post reporter that Dr. Laura never said these things, then claiming that she "Misspoke her Opinions", then making the statement that Transcripts for the shows in question are not "available". Yeah, that clears up everything nicely, pal, thanks. Who else here thinks that, somehow, this poor sap is gonna get blamed for all this somewhere along the line?
Insert your own Political Joke/Commentary here.
JoyRide, or Look, A Thriller About A Murderous Stalker And His CB Radio! Everyone Loves CB Radios, Right?
Your Personal "Waste-Of Life" Factor; How many times in a typical evening you say "We pay HOW MUCH a month for cable, and there's *still* nothing on...?", multiplied by how many times you keep going through the channels.
Explain why getting people to pay for Downloadable music doesn't seem to be a money-making idea, yet thousands of Pay-For-Porn Sites continue to flourish.
Crap Factor of a new TV Series; Multiply how many times the pilot was "Reworked", by how many "Special Guest Stars" are promised. Finally, add how many characters were recast/cut out/added since the first pilot.
Could we stop harping about the supposed rumors of Terrorists using Crop-Dusting Planes to spread Germ Warfare? Because this is how amateur idiots get ideas.
The sign of a True Friend is someone who isn't a bit afraid of your reaction after they play a cruel, hurtful practical joke on you.
The next would-be comic who launches into the "TVs don't have dials any more. Should we be saying "Don't touch that dial!"?" will be tied to a chair and forced to watch Seinfeld's new stand-up routine. You've been warned.
Let's see if we got this straight; In the new Smallville series, Superman is a teen-ager, with no costume, no flying, supposedly no Super-Villains, and he's good friends with Lex Luthor. So they just paid big bucks for the Superman License and decided the only things worth using were the name of Luthor and his *Hometown*? Artistic Vision, hell, with no Flying Rigs to set up, or Super-Fights to set up, or Super-Villain Make-Up and Costumes, this is known as Taking The Cheap Way Out.
ESPNX: All the oddball crappy sports that you're not watching on ESPN2, but on PPV!!
Grim & Evil,or Using Basic Algebra, 2 Crappy Cartoons Added Together *should* Equal One Good Series, Right??
Recent Search Engine polls have revealed that, for the first time in the Internet's history, there were more hits on Search Engines from people looking for News than Porn. And we'd be a bit proud of that, if it wasn't for the fact that we're sure 98% of those hits were from Sickos looking for pictures of people jumping out of the World Trade Center...
Here's a comforting thought to rock yourself to sleep with tonight: Somewhere out there, some idiot is conceiving a movie vehicle for the Slim Jim Guy.
Windows XP begins shipping pre-installed on computers today. Which means you ain't got too long to jump on the "Let's Sue Microsoft because it's the Kewl thing to do!" Bandwagon.
Balthayzr still uses OS/2 Warp, so he really doesn't care either way.