Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

September 17th, 2001
September 10th, 2001
September 3rd, 2001
August 27th, 2001
August 20th, 2001
August 13th, 2001
August 6th, 2001
July 30th, 2001
July 23rd, 2001
July 16th, 2001
July 9th, 2001
July 2nd, 2001
June 25th, 2001
June 18th, 2001
June 11th, 2001
June 4th, 2001
May 28th, 2001
May 21st, 2001
May 14th, 2001
May 7th, 2001
April 30th, 2001
April 23rd, 2001
April 16th, 2001
April 9th, 2001
April 2nd, 2001
March 26th, 2001
March 19th, 2001
March 12th, 2001
March 5th, 2001
February 26th, 2001
February 19th, 2001
February 12th, 2001
February 5th, 2001
January 29th, 2001
January 22nd, 2001
January 15th, 2001
January 8th, 2001
January 1st, 2001

December 25th, 2000
December 18th, 2000
December 11th, 2000
December 4th, 2000
November 27th, 2000
November 20th, 2000
November 13th, 2000
November 6th, 2000
October 30th, 2000
October 23rd, 2000
October 16th, 2000
October 9th, 2000
October 2nd, 2000
September 25th, 2000
September 18th, 2000
September 11th, 2000
September 4th, 2000
August 28st, 2000
August 21st, 2000
August 14th, 2000
August 7th, 2000
July 31st, 2000
July 24th, 2000
July 17th, 2000
July 10th, 2000
July 3rd, 2000
June 26th, 2000
June 19th, 2000
June 12th, 2000
June 5th, 2000
May 29th, 2000
May 22nd, 2000
May 15th, 2000
May 8th, 2000
May 1st, 2000
April 24th, 2000
April 17th, 2000
April 10th, 2000
April 3rd, 2000
March 27th, 2000
March 20th, 2000
March 13th, 2000
March 6th, 2000
February 28th, 2000
February 21st, 2000
February 14th, 2000
February 7th, 2000
January 31st, 2000
January 24th, 2000
January 17th, 2000
January 10th, 2000
January 3rd, 2000

December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

A Random Xmas

September 24th, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: The WTC Tragedy causes a spread of Foot-In-Mouth Disease, the Revenge of Whoopi, and ESPN decided you're not paying nearly enough for the privilege of watching All-Star Curling.

Note to Bill Maher, host of Politically Incorrect; Don't take the Sponsors bailing on you Personally. This is just a bunch of Marketing People attempting to head off a Boycott for not looking Properly Patriotic.

Second Note to Bill Maher; Not that we're against people expressing their opinions on anything, but you *might* want to choose your words a bit more carefully in the future. Just so you don't have to spend most of your time making the rounds of Talk Shows trying to explain exactly what it was you were trying to say.

Sign That Things Are Starting To Get Back To Normal, Which Is Not Necessarily A Good Thing; People are threatening to sue Schools, City Halls, and other Public Buildings displaying "GOD BLESS AMERICA" signs, because they're violating the Separation Of Church And State. And we're sure this is based on Deep Personal Beliefs, and not on any visions of dancing dollar signs.

Ya know, the country really started going to hell about the time the Dick Tracy comic strip stopped using the Physically and Mentally Deformed as Villains. And we're not talking fat guys or tall, skinny women, either.

Someone wanna explain how National I.D. Cards are supposed to stop Terrorists? We got 10-year-old kids in this country that can make Fake I.D.s and counterfeit cash on their home computers, while playing EverQuest on their other computer at the same time. You can bet that if they Introduce this on Jan. 1st, we'll be seeing web sites offering "Make Your Own National I.D. Card" kits sometime around Jan. 3rd.

No, we haven't changed our stance on Cell Phones in light of the people who were saved by tracing their Cell Phone signals in the WTC rubble, or that Phone calls made from Planes helped piece together what happened. We've never been against Cell phones. We're against the self-important ignoramuses who get to playing with these things instead of paying attention to where they're driving/walking, or yak away on them in Movie Theatres, or whip them out in Malls or Grocery Stores so they can show them off to random strangers by discussing last night's ER episode in a loud voice.

And a Moment Of Silence for the Pabst Brewing Company, the Boone's Farm of Beer Companies, who are in the process of closing their last Brewery. We salute the company that launched a thousand Beer Can Collections.

"We have Career Placement Services!" :Translation: "We have a person who'll help you slap together a Resume. We also have many week-old copies of the local Want Ads for you to look through." .

So, they put Copy protection on Michael Jackson's "You Rock My World" CD single, but they're not going to put it on the Album it's a part of. Ooookay...

And the reason they're putting the Copy Protection in now, is the Single has been spotted all over the MP3 Download sites and Peer-to peer Music Exchange "Napster" Programs. Which is kinda the equivalent of installing smoke detectors in a building that's just burnt to the ground, but hey, we ain't Highly Paid Record Executives trying to revive the Gloved One's career.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2099, in accordance with his last wishes, the surviving members of the Bill Cosby Family will reveal that his "Muttering/Rambling" comedy style was due to a series of strokes, thus ending years of hare-brained speculation that it was something in the Jell-O.

Coming Soon to TNT; Call Me Clause, which appears to be a Musical featuring Whoopi "Theodore Rex" Goldberg and her efforts to save Christmas, with songs by Garth Brooks. Okay, this is the part where someone promises us that Whoopi ain't singin', before we start assembling the Sniper Rifle.

You realize that, if this were the Late 80's, this would be the point in time where the WWF would be introducing a new turban-wearing villain, probably named "Abu Ben Ladle" or the like.

And we'd like to thank Dr. Laura for once again proving her worth to the world by "implying" that allowing Women In The Military somehow contributed to the WTC Tragedy. Thanks, Laurie

The second best part of this being "the "Dr. Laura" show's senior vice president, Keven (sic?) Bellows" at first claiming to a Washington Post reporter that Dr. Laura never said these things, then claiming that she "Misspoke her Opinions", then making the statement that Transcripts for the shows in question are not "available". Yeah, that clears up everything nicely, pal, thanks. Who else here thinks that, somehow, this poor sap is gonna get blamed for all this somewhere along the line?

Insert your own Political Joke/Commentary here.

JoyRide, or Look, A Thriller About A Murderous Stalker And His CB Radio! Everyone Loves CB Radios, Right?

Your Personal "Waste-Of Life" Factor; How many times in a typical evening you say "We pay HOW MUCH a month for cable, and there's *still* nothing on...?", multiplied by how many times you keep going through the channels.

Explain why getting people to pay for Downloadable music doesn't seem to be a money-making idea, yet thousands of Pay-For-Porn Sites continue to flourish.

Crap Factor of a new TV Series; Multiply how many times the pilot was "Reworked", by how many "Special Guest Stars" are promised. Finally, add how many characters were recast/cut out/added since the first pilot.

Could we stop harping about the supposed rumors of Terrorists using Crop-Dusting Planes to spread Germ Warfare? Because this is how amateur idiots get ideas.

The sign of a True Friend is someone who isn't a bit afraid of your reaction after they play a cruel, hurtful practical joke on you.

The next would-be comic who launches into the "TVs don't have dials any more. Should we be saying "Don't touch that dial!"?" will be tied to a chair and forced to watch Seinfeld's new stand-up routine. You've been warned.

Let's see if we got this straight; In the new Smallville series, Superman is a teen-ager, with no costume, no flying, supposedly no Super-Villains, and he's good friends with Lex Luthor. So they just paid big bucks for the Superman License and decided the only things worth using were the name of Luthor and his *Hometown*? Artistic Vision, hell, with no Flying Rigs to set up, or Super-Fights to set up, or Super-Villain Make-Up and Costumes, this is known as Taking The Cheap Way Out.

ESPNX: All the oddball crappy sports that you're not watching on ESPN2, but on PPV!!

Grim & Evil,or Using Basic Algebra, 2 Crappy Cartoons Added Together *should* Equal One Good Series, Right??

Recent Search Engine polls have revealed that, for the first time in the Internet's history, there were more hits on Search Engines from people looking for News than Porn. And we'd be a bit proud of that, if it wasn't for the fact that we're sure 98% of those hits were from Sickos looking for pictures of people jumping out of the World Trade Center...

Here's a comforting thought to rock yourself to sleep with tonight: Somewhere out there, some idiot is conceiving a movie vehicle for the Slim Jim Guy.

Windows XP begins shipping pre-installed on computers today. Which means you ain't got too long to jump on the "Let's Sue Microsoft because it's the Kewl thing to do!" Bandwagon.

Balthayzr still uses OS/2 Warp, so he really doesn't care either way.

Return to HGNews