|September 17th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: So we went to bed Monday Evening, with a smug smile on our faces, having once again managed to fill 30 lines with Random Crap. Which all became a very insignificant point
And we'd like to thank both Ex-President Clinton and Jesse Jackson for actually waiting for a bit after the attack before looking for a Live Camera to jump in front of.
The CIA and the FBI have reported that the number of applications to their offices has tripled since the Attack. And while we admire the attitude of these folks, stop and think for a moment here, kiddies; You think they're gonna hire the night clerk from 7-11, and on his first day walk over to him with a foot-high stack of files, plop them on his desk, and say "Here's everything we have on the World Trade Center Attack. Get to work."?
One thing we can be grateful for in this day and age is that the basic collapse of the Network Saturday Morning Cartoon Industry means that we've been spared any more Prime Time TV Shows being adapted into cartoons. You've been spared Drew Carey In Space. You've been spared FRIENDS Kids. You've been spared ER Plus 4...
Note to Stephanie McMahon; Somehow comparing the World Trade Center Attack with the Government's investigation into your father's Steroid business was...tacky, to say the least. See, your father deserved to be investigated, and the only reason he got away with it is because 1) 99% of his wrestlers refused to testify, out of fear they'd be fired, and 2) He somehow managed to convince a jury that he had no idea his wrestlers did Steroids, not a bit, no sir. It was some other Vince McMahon signing all those FedEx forms for boxes of needles and little bottles full of ''roid juice. And he was sure it was Hulk Hogan Vitamins that gave wrestlers those muscles almost overnight.
Yes, we did notice that the date of the attack was 9/11, thank you news agencies. What, exactly, is your point? That the Terrorists picked this date because they wished to poke fun at our Emergency Phone Numbers? Or, like us, have the news agencies received 80,000 Chain Letter Emails explaining the 9/11 connection in Illuminati-like detail?
Note to Hillary Clinton; You might want to hire an Acting Coach at some point. You don't inspire a lot of confidence when you discuss the Attack in the same flat voice one would use to call numbers at a Church Bingo Night. Learn the difference between keeping your emotions in check, and just appearing not to have *any*.
A Moment of Silence for Samuel Z. Arkoff, whose American International pictures gave us such treats as I was a Teenage Werewolf and various other rubber-monster-suit and Beach-party movies. Crappy little movies, yes, but movies that made no bones about the fact that they were Crappy Little Movies. God Bless You, Sir.
Schizotrichia Fun Fact; Putting a wrestler through a "table" doesn't hurt as much as you'd think, because the easily-broken Particle Board tables used for these stunts does the opposite of what's portrayed, actually cushioning the blow somewhat.
There really needs to be a Law stating that you're not allowed to do voices for more than one cartoon if you're incapable of doing more than one Unique Voice.
And taking your usual cartoon voice, and either adding an Accent or lowering/raising the pitch of your voice, doesn't count.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2023, the FCC will require all Reporters to wear an electrical device that will send a quick 5000 volts through the Offending Reporter whenever they ask a Victim of some Tragedy "How do you Feel?" or "What will you do Now?". In 2025, Hackers will discover a way to set the devices off at random. Absolutely no action will be taken or demanded by a grateful, and amused, public.
And a special note to all the amateur Humanities people out there; It's not Religion that causes all the problems like this. It's morons through the ages who use Religion as an excuse to go out and kill, steal from, and enslave any peoples that don't agree with their World View, or just basically Get In Their Way.
It's also Goofuses that "re-edit" the Religious Manuals to basically say "And our Supreme Being, being only on our side, said unto us "Go out and discredit, and better yet kill, anyone who doesn't follow me exactly the way you do.".".
Case In Point; Jerry "The 10 Commandments Don't Apply To Me" Falwell appeared on Pat "Pokemon And Harry Potter Were Invented By Satan To Turn Kids From God" Robertson's 700 Club to inform America about "the feminists, gays, abortionists and the ACLU who had angered God to the point that God allowed this (The World Trade Center Attack) to happen". Gee, thanks for making Christianity look so Kind and Understanding, guys. Anyone else think God and Jesus are playing Rock/Paper/Scissors to see who gets to bitch-slap, and then open the "Express To Hell" Trap Door under these two when they finally shuffle off this mortal coil?
Anyone else think that MTV, VH1 and other network adding the American Flag to their Network ID Logos kind of smacks of "Jump On The Bandwagon-ism"? That it was a decision made by someone who was afraid they would lose Market Share if they didn't look Patriotic Enough?
Quote Of The Indeterminate Time Period; "I'd rather do this than Work." - participant on the WWF/MTV show Tough Enough. Somehow, we think an Incoming Clue Alert ain't gonna help this idiot one bit.
Incoming Clue Alert; 99.9% of the Arabs/Muslims who live in the USA, moved here to get away from the Terrorist Idiots.
Special note to the .1% of the Arabs/Muslims in this country that have been seen celebrating on various news outlets; You ain't helping.
Not to be picky, but a lot of the networks might wanna invest in a Spell-Checker. Or at least learn whether "Canceled" or "Cancelled" is correct. Or "Premier/Premiere".
Place your bets, folks; Which Congressional Moron is gonna be the first to commit Career Suicide by "Getting Back To Business As Usual"? Because we're sure *that* won't be used by his opponents, ever.
Signs That Things Are Returning To Normal, Which Might Not Be Such Good News, Part 1: The 40 Billion Dollar "Terrorist Attack Bill" was held up in Congress for a bit because of "disagreements over the wording". Sheesh.
Signs That Things Are Returning To Normal, Which Might Not Be Such Good News, Part 2: New York Citizens are being warned about a scam where people ask for your Social Security/Credit Card Number, so they can aid you in finding Lost Loved Ones. You guys are next in line after Falwell and Robertson for the Holy Bitch-Slap, you know.
From our Yeah, We Know, Picky Picky Picky File; Should the networks really be calling this "Non-Stop Coverage"? As much as your Marketing and Programming Folks might not wish it, it *has* to stop sometime, you realize.
Ads for the Spider-Man movie being pulled and re-worked. Microsoft re-programming their Flight Simulator to remove the World Trade Center. TV Shows and Movies featuring plots considered "too close for comfort" being pulled and re-worked. We got news for ya, folks. For the most part, this ain't Compassion. It's people trying to avoid Civil Lawsuits over "Mental Pain and Suffering".
And can we ask why this is being called "Tuesday's Tragic Events"? Makes it sound like a low-rent Wrestling Show. Yes, the events were Tragic, indeed. It's just kind of wrong to boil all the lives, all the horror. and all the Heroism down to a Buzzword.
If you don't do enough research to be Right, at least do enough research to have a good excuse about why you were Wrong.
Incoming Clue Alert; Miss Cleo does *not* answer all the phone calls to her Psychic Hot Line herself. Think about it; How hard is it teach a legion of Minimum Wage Workers to fake a Jamaican Accent?
Hell, just ask Miss Cleo herself how hard it is to fake a Jamaican Accent...
Through all this, we notice that Miss Cleo had a 15 dollar PPV over the week-end, where she did Live Readings. Wonder if they put in a long delay so they could cut out the would-be comics calling and asking why she didn't predict the World Trade Center Attack...
And finally, a Moment Of Silence for all those who lost their lives in the Attacks this week, for all those who've had their lived disrupted in the worst way possible, and the Heroes who are, and will be, working to make sure it Stops, to perhaps ease the Pain, and to Aid those caught in the Middle.
Balthayzr would like to thank those who gave Blood during this. Especially those who were in the habit of giving Blood *before* this.