Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

September 24th, 2001
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December 25th, 2000
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A Random Xmas

October 1st, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We admit to watching Enterprise for more than just the Disinfecting Scene, more post-WTC Idiocy cunningly disguised as Compassion, and wonder just why the hell we cared enough about Eminem's career to read a news blurb about it. And why the hell we'd thought you'd care enough about it to read commentary on it.

Okay, let's see if we understand this Kidz Bop CD; The same songs that have been played to death on every Top 40 Radio Station in the country, we're supposed to buy a CD of COVER VERSIONS of these same damn songs. Cover Versions that have a gang of Tone-Deaf kids screaming over them.

Someone wanna explain why you're not supposed to "Dress-Up" at the Emmy Awards? You supposed to Donate the money you would have spent on the monkey-ugly outfit you normally would have worn? Is it supposed to be some sort of Mourning? Or is it just more cynical "We have to do *something* that makes it look like we care. But something that doesn't cost a lot.".

The best TV Shows and Movies are the ones that make you laugh, then make you feel deeply ashamed you found that funny.

The best TV Shows and Movies are also the ones that make you mutter "That is just *so* wrong, on so many levels" as you laugh.

And what's worse than a TV show with an obvious Laugh-Track? A Novelty record with a Laugh Track. Or one obviously recorded in a bar about 10 minutes before closing time, where the drunken audience is having a contest in which they see whose laughter can get picked up the best by the recording equipment.

Tech Deck Dudes. Because if they're is one thing the world truly needs, it's a collectable series of skate-boarding Penises.

Daniel Barenboim has finally signed the ten-year extension on his contract as Conductor of Berlin's Staatsoper. News that comes as a Great Relief to those of us with Season Tickets.

And the next person who says to us "Know why Sharon Stone had that Aneurism? That's what happens when Blondes try to think." get's an Official SCHIZOTRICHIA Back-Of-The-Head Slap.

Weep for a nation where we have to keep re-inventing the Zip-Lock bag because it's still too complicated for some people to operate.

In fact, nothing quite sends a shiver up our spine as does yet another advertisement that contains any variation on the expression "Now Easier To Use!".

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2002, airlines will no longer concentrate advertisements just on their Spacious Cabins, Roomy Seats, and Polite Service People. They will instead advertise their Speedy, yet extremely Vigilant, Security People. "Our Crack Security Teams get passengers on their planes 12% sooner than our competition, yet still keep you the Safest people in the Air! Only we can make that Promise!" By 2003, however, advertising will return to normal as airlines give into the legions of crybabies that are complaining about being held up in line for the extra 4 minutes it takes for security to paw through their make-up cases.

Get those VCR's programmed, kiddies; Kurt Angle, HHH, Booker T, Big Show, William "Steven" Regal, Trish, Lita, and Stephanie "Weekly Boob Job" McMahon of the WWF are doing a celeb version of Weakest Link. Expect to see a lot of instances of people yelling "Bank" with No Money in the Account. Also possibly expect at least one Wrestling Angle to result from this.

Coming off rumors and reports that a Certain Radio Network sent out a list of songs that they "suggest" Stations don't play in the Wake of the WTC Events, over fear that folks would hear them and be reminded about the Tragedy; The new "Don't Play That Song Or We'll Get Sued!" Party Game! You pick a Song Title out of a bowl, and you have to come up with a semi-legitimate reason why someone might suffer Pain And Distress over hearing it.

1st People Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; Idiots who can't pull up an extra 2 feet at a Stop Light so you can get around them and make a right-hand turn.

2nd People Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; People who fill out Rant Columns with weak Seinfeld/Gallagher routines.

And we're not even gonna warn the goofs who mistake Self-Ironic statements for any sort of Humor.

TNT; You Can Tell We're A Serious Drama Station, Now, Because We Cancelled Wrestling And Re-Did Our Logo! You Really Don't Want Us To Have To Do Another All-Day Theodore Rex Marathon, Do You?

Note to the EMail Comics of the World; Yeah, yeah, last thing that went thru the Mind of a New York Stockbroker was a Jet Engine. Ya know, those "Last Things Going thru the Mind" bits were old when that Nirvana Kid shot himself, and they ain't getting any fresher now.

Texas Justice or Enjoy Yet Another Court Show With Yet Another Stereotypical Judge! But, This One Is A White Southern Republican, So It's Okay To Laugh At Him..

Actual Sign On a Business Near Us; "Hawaiian Coffee, Made In The USA!". Which is good, because we were getting tired of drinking all that Hawaiian Coffee made in Afghanistan.

Someone please tell us that we did *NOT* just see Purple "Heinz" Ketchup in the grocery Store...

Speaking of Wrestling, Uncle Vince has decided to rename the 2 Monday Night Wrestling Hours "RAW 1" and "RAW 2", instead of the mean, hateful "Raw Is War" and "War Zone". Thanks, Vinnie. That just makes it all Sunshine and Lollipops now.

Rapper Eminem, writer of many Positive, Uplifting songs about Women, has just signed up for his first Feature Film Role. It traces a "Critical Month in his life as he searches for Identity and Sense Of Purpose against a backdrop of Urban Decay and Indifference. He learns, among other things, to express his Anger.". Uh huh. We're not sure, but we're thinking Eminem's fans aren't the type to flock to Art House Chick Flicks. Especially ones that read like something out of a 7th Grader's Book Report.

We knew we were in Good Hands with the new Enterprise series when we saw Tiny "Zeus" Lister stumbling around in a Klingon outfit, trying to yell without spitting the Klingon tooth appliance out.

Problem is, just what are the writers going to plot out, what with Holodeck Accidents, Malfunctioning Replicators and the Borg still many years in the future?

But, if one thinks about it, they can still do the old "The Warp Core's gonna blow! And the Warp Core Ejector is Jammed!" bit, and the "Try To Guess Who The Guest Star Under The 10 Pounds Of Make-Up Is" game, so not all is lost. And they can start playing "Guess Who's Ancestor This Guy Is?" when things get slow.

Weep for a nation that must include the disclaimer "Wall Made Of Paper Cups That Our Doll Just Knocked Over, Not Included" on kid's toy commercials, according to Law...

Oh, Grow Up. Your ISP sending you a couple of short messages every month is not Spamming.

Here's a comforting thought to rock yourself to sleep with tonight; Somewhere out there, some idiot has seen those 1-800 commercials, and all the other ads Mr. T's been in, and is thinking "You know, he wouldn't be bad in the supporting role in this new TV series we're doing."...

Balthayzr knows that it's just a few short months until they start plotting out the next Star Trek series...

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