Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

October 15th, 2001
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December 25th, 2000
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December 27th, 1999
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November 22, 1999
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October 04, 1999
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August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

A Random Xmas

October 22nd, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Kato ends up on our TV again for some God-Foraken reason, Halloween is made Safe And Loving For All, and we find a couple of disturbing websites that we wouldn't dream of keeping to ourselves. Oh, and the WTC Attacks continue to flush idiots out of the woodwork, and we ain't talking about Terrorists.

The Florida Recount bit has surfaced *again*, with the reports that the "final" recount is "done", but the results are being withheld because there's "more important things going on right now". Which begs the question; No matter what the results, why should we trust the results of *this* recount more than any of the others?

Unless, of course, this recount agrees with what you think the results should be, in which case feel free to believe them and rant about them to your little heart's desire...

Did we ever figure out just what was the attraction to living in those Industrial Lofts back in the 80-90's? Yeah, you got like 10,000 sq. feet for about 50 bucks a month, but they were all in really *swell* neighborhoods...

Anybody really surprised that Kato "Got A Guest House?" Kaelin did decently on Weakest Link? Really, what else has this guy got to do besides collect useless bits of trivia, probably off Daytime Game Shows?

Incoming Clue Alert: Deep, deep down, most people really don't give a damn what the name of the local Stadium is.

Note to TechTV; Besides looking arty, what the hell does the underwater baby in the Big Thinkers end credit sequence have to do with anything?

Incoming Clue Alert; When porn sites and movies use the word "teen", they're actually referring to how many years the models have been in the business (i.e. 10-19).

One of those sites to "accidentally" leave up on people's computers when they ain't around; Workers Resistance Against McDonald's, a web site that seem to be under the impression that McDonald's kidnaps people off the streets and forces them into Slavery. Remember, never confuse Socialism with being Too Damned Lazy.

And the multiple pop-up ads ain't helping your Down-With-Capitalism theme, either, kiddies.

Another one of those sites to "accidentally" leave up on people's computers when they ain't around; Meet The Machines. Words fail us at this point, except for OUCH...

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2095, America will finally stop looking for Terrorists behind every "act" when it's revealed that the duck that got sucked into Flight 905's Engine, forcing an Emergency Landing, apparently had no overt ties to the Taliban despite having a foreign-sounding Scientific Name.

Some "Haunted Houses" are saying that they'll be toning down the Gore Factor this year, so as to not upset people in wake of the WTC. Maybe we're wrong here, but isn't scaring and upsetting people the whole idea behind setting up a Haunted House?

Of course, in the type of world we live in nowadays, we can see somebody convincing a judge that they had no idea that there would be anything like dead bodies or Torture Scenes or other Death Motifs in a Haunted House.

Okay, for the most part, there is nothing racist in hearing an unusual name and wondering what Nationality it comes from. It's called Curiosity. However, people who inquire by asking "Whut the hell kinda name is THAT?" are probably not interested in discussing Genealogy with you...

On kind of the same Vein, it's kind of interesting just how many modern words and Names seem to owe their existance to European-descended people mis-hearing or "corrupting" a word from another language. Meaning our Modern Tongue is based on Deafness and Bad Spelling.

Okay, your Email Joke isn't any funnier because you put "!!!" or ":)" after the Punch Line.

"We see Joyride as a compliment to Speilberg's Duel" :translation: "Okay, you caught us. Maybe he won't sue us so for *everything* if we suck up to him a bit.".

American Flags flying side-by-side with Halloween Decorations, while Christmas Trees sit in the stores. Anyone else thinks it looks like some kind of Dilbert gag where they combine all the Holidays in order to stop people from taking so many days off?

It's actually kind of sad that Jason Alexander has based his whole career on the fact that he's a Funny Yeller...

Note to Gateway Computers: You're not fooling anyone. We know The Brain's Voice when we hear it. We're just trying to figure out how doing commercials in a Cow Costume helps him take over the world.

News has come out that Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin has stopped production on his Crocodile Hunter Movie, out of "deference" to the victims of the WTC. What, does Steve stop a bunch of Terrorists from blowing up buildings by tossing pissed-off reptiles at them or something?

Definite Sign That We Are In For A Rough Ride With This New Smallville Series; The woman playing his mother, in a recent interview, says the best way to look at the series is that it's "about raising a Special-Needs Child.". Hoo-boy.

And Oprah has toured the WTC "Ground Zero", and has officially proclaimed it "Devastating". In case you need to have it explained to you in further detail, the Press Release claims that Oprah's Look At This will be in the December Issue of her magazine. Not that we think the Divine Miss O is whoring this to sell magazines in any way, Lord No. We're sure it's just a Public Service for people who have been wandering around, wanting to know Just What Oprah Thinks Of All This Outside The Realm Of Her Show.

Quote Of The Time Period Until We Find Another One; "A lot of people have suffered a lot." - George Strait, at the Country Freedom Concert, one of the 523 Concerts that took place For The Victims.

We'd like to thank General Mills for doing their part for the Environment by finding a way to recycle styrofoam peanuts; Adding spices to them and marketing them as Wahoos Brand Snacks.

Ya know, the real purpose of Sweetest Day isn't to buy your Loved One a small present to show how much you love them. It's to discover you forgot about it, and try to cover up for it by buying a *big* present. Why do you think they only really push it in Malls, where they're sure Men aren't paying much attention?

You realize right about now that some goof is sending out Emails with the claim that Evil People have discovered how to send Anthrax over Email, and that it's probably being forwarded to you right now...

Note to people "adapting" Agatha Christie stories for movies or TV; Please stop moving them into Modern Times. You're not adding anything to the stories. See, the fun of these tales is how they figure everything out *without* computers and other Modern Conveniences.

And if nothing else is going right with the world, at least Fawlty Towers is out, or about to be out, on DVD.

Balthayzr was always in the habit of microwaving his mail, so nothing's really changed for him.

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