|October 15th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: More wrestling commentary than anyone really needs to hear, Anthrax goes on a countrywide tour, and we use the word "Portable" a lot in the attempt to fool Search Engines into thinking this is a Tech Page for some reason.
Vince McMahon is supposedly finishing up negotiations with Kevin Nash and Scott Hall to return to the WWF. One of the angle ideas being floated around is that they return to the WWF...as the NWO. Uh, Vincy, you *do* realize that the constant re-formings of the NWO is one of the things that helped kill the WCW, right?
And one of the *other* things that helped kill the WCW is that Kevin Nash has the habit of dividing the wrestlers into 2 camps; "My Buddies, Whom I Will Aid In Getting Pushed No Matter How Untalented They Are" and "The Rest Of The Great Unwashed, Who I Will Bury By Making Them Look Bad". And for some reason, this never sits well with the guys who get labeled the Great Unwashed...
And you have to pity the guys from the band Drowning Pool. Seems that, out of deference to the WTC Attacks, the WWF is rumored to be dropping their little Love Anthem Let The Bodies Hit The Floor as the theme song for the dreaded ECW/WCW Alliance. Because you know that Residual Check had to be many times larger than anything they're making from the CD it came from...
Note to anyone who wants to try out for WWF Tough Enough; Go look over the Obituaries of professional wrestlers. See what percentage of them died peaceful and/or relatively Pain-Free deaths. Notice how that percentage is almost ZERO. Then ask yourself if that's worth taking mental abuse from Al "What's My Gimmick This Week?" Snow on National TV.
Speaking of WWF Tough Enough; Maven, the guy who "won" or "passed" the Try-Out, doesn't seem to be doing too well, does he? Way to make people believe that they're gonna be the next "Steve Austin" if they kill and embarrass themselves on the next WWF Tough Enough, Vince.
Yes, by all means, you should run right out and fetch a program that encrypts your Email. Because Bin Laben and the other terrorists are *very* interested in your Chain Letters and Urban Legends That Actually Happened To Someone I Know, Honest and Virus Warnings.
Yes, nothing makes us want to contribute to a Charity we've never heard of like getting an envelope full of Personalized Return Address Stickers from them.
Could we please give even more news coverage to these Anthrax Cases, so that the random goofs doing it can get off on the fact that their little trick is on TV, and thus be inspired to do it some more?
Special Note to the Random Goofs doing this; See, Americans are now so paranoid about Anthrax, that they're running to their doctors when they've got the Sniffles. And Modern Antibiotics can cure Anthrax 93% of the time. But, hey, don't let us spoil your fun, fellas.
We were actually going to do a bit here about the band Anthrax maybe wanting to retroactively change their name, so as to be sensitive to everyone. Problem is, seems a lot of people *have* been hassling Anthrax about their name. Thus proving Rant Columns will never, ever be as amusing or odd as Real Life.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2035, an Amendment will be added to the Celebrity Protection Act; Any celeb appearing on a Celebrity Edition of any Game Show will be allowed to choose a "Pinch Hitter", so as to 1) Not embarrass him/herself by showing their complete ignorance on National TV, and 2) Insure that their Pet Charity will actually win some money without all the cute "cheating" that goes on during these shows.
Note to the people that do the TV Coverage for Baseball; Please stop showing shots of the dug-outs. Nothing happens in there but guys spitting huge wads of tobacco juice and trying to adjust their cups, and no one needs to see that. Thank you.
And we applaud the Bob Patterson show for having an African-American Woman in a Wheelchair as one of the characters, thus satisfying all the Politically Correct Quotas with one person. Nice job, guys.
A lot of pundits with nothing better to do at the moment have written lengthy, psychobabble-filled articles on how a lot of college kids are watching Spongebob Squarepants on Nick and Scooby Doo on Cartoon Network. Save yer energy, guys, there's a simple explanation for this; See, College kids are all participating in a contest to see who can fry their brains the fastest with booze and drugs. A side effect of this mind-baking is that they're fascinated by flashy colors and funny noises. In other words, Cartoons.
It really says something about us as Americans when there seems to be a bit of discussion about what the "Cause Of Death" will be on the WTC Victims' Death Certificates. What it says exactly, we're not sure, but it says *something*...
Awright. Who was the wise-guy with the "Ron Jeremy 3:16" sign on Raw?
Seems the True Secret of drawing a Comic Strip is to create enough of a backlog of Strips so that you have plenty to "rerun" when you take a 2-week vacation every 3 months...
Note to the Kmart Corporation; Commercials featuring a little sprite that flits around your stores, lowering prices? And signs that show the Original, pre-lowered prices? Where do you come up with these Original Ideas of yours?
Ya know, the idea of a portable phone is for it to be *portable*. Meaning leaving it where it might be handy, or taking it with you. Like, say, in the John. Constantly leaving it in the cradle kinda defeats the whole purpose of buying a portable phone.
You never know how much crapola you've collected until you've tried to burn it all to CDs and/or move it to your new computer.
The best part of this process being the fun little game called "What's That File?"; "What the hell is Pxlon94.exe, and do we still need it?".
Sorry, we ain't buying the idea of Portable MP3 Players being so that you can "rip" songs off your CDs and take them with you. Especially since they started mysteriously popping up when Napster started getting popular.
And also when you consider that you can buy a Portable CD player for about 50 bucks. Geez, just burn the MP3s to a CD and at least *look* like you got your music honestly...
Speaking of, the RIAA tried to pin a rider onto a anti-cyber-terrorism bill that would Absolve them from any damages done to computers that they scoured for Illegal MP3s in an attempt to "reclaim" their property. The idea being here is that they would attempt to somehow cripple Napster-like systems, probably with little "hack-jobs" of their own. Now, did *anyone* at RIAA take a good long look at this little turd and honestly say "Gee, we can't see any reason why someone would mind us poking around their hard drives and erasing any files we feel belong to us! If you're honest, you have nothing to hide, right? Right?".
Gee, a little early in the run of Enterprise series to play the "Gee, Aliens sure do have weird sex, don't they?" card, ain't it?
Note to Circuit City; The idea behind your Expo 2001 commercials is to get us to come in and drool over the latest electronic gadgets, right? So, why the hell are you using sound effects from the Atari 2600 version of Pac-Man in these commercials?
Bio-Bugs. Yeah, there ain't enough real cockroaches and other vermin in the world. Let's make and sell electronic versions and imply that they act just like the Real Thing! Whee!
Incoming Clue Alert; You know, when something like this happens, or when *any* Bad Thing happens, no one needs to hear the tapes of the 911 calls. If your news agency has nothing new to report on the incident, just leave it at that, OK?
Saying something is "Old School" has Officially become Old School. Knock it off.
Balthayzr stopped uploading Anthrax MP3s to various File-Sharing systems in order to be more sensitive to everyone.