Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We pad the column with news stories stole....uh, borrowed from DVD News Pages, pay a *lot* more attention to N'Sync and Michael Jackson than any Adults really need to, and a big Corporation sends yet another cherished Childhood memory down in Flames.

Correction from last week; The Facts of Life Reunion movie is actually sometime this month, not this past week. So you still have plenty of time to go buy that DVD recorder so you can archive this little gem forever.

"Yes, I have a fairly large staff working under me." :translation: "The mailman brings me my mail, so I count him. And the janitor cleans up after me, so I count him...".

"Prostitutes" in Wuhan, China are offering "Thai-style massages" in advertisements in store windows near the University there, with discounts for University Students. Just in case you were wondering about a good College for yourself or your kids.

Britney Spears is supposedly marrying Justin "Uhh, Who?" Timberlake sometime next year. Just a heads-up so you know that your Masturbatory Fantasies about her will become 2 Sins when she does.

We believe in being safe and prepared as much as the next person, but you realize the Terrorists are saving a lot of time and money by feeding vague threats to various "Intelligence Agencies", and thus causing a bit of panic without having to raise a finger? "Uh, yes, this week we go after decadent American Bridges! Honest!"

People Who Definitely Need A Slap In The Back Of The Head; Parents who let their kids Trick-or-Treat, then throw all the candy away for "safety" reasons. So, do you let the kid pick out a toy at the store, then toss it out the car window on the way home so the kid won't hurt himself on it, as well?

In other words, do a bit of research, folks. 99.9% of kids who "find" needles and razor blades in their candy, it turns out that 1) The kids were fibbing, or 2) The parents did it as revenge and/or a chance to sue a neighbor.

And once again; Your news agency doing lots of stories like this every Halloween just gives the Genetic Mistakes out there nasty ideas.

Pretending We Care About Michael Jackson News, Part One; "It was perfect. No makeup required." "He's beige. He has really gone woo-hoo." - quotes from Men In Black 2 crew members about Mickey's cameo as an Alien. We're detecting a certain Lack Of Respect for the King Of Pop, here.

Courts have decided that DeCSS, the little program that allows you to break the encoding on DVDs and transfer them to your Hard Drive "For Educational Purposes" is somehow protected under Free Speech, and thus is not Illegal. What we're guessing happened is that they discovered that it's cheaper to go out and *buy* the damn DVDs than to rent them and try to burn them to blank DVDs, because blanks are actually *more* expensive than the movies themselves.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2012, Microsoft finally agrees to all of the U.S. and State's restrictions and Business Guidelines. In return, Tech Support people are no longer allowed to tell people seeking help that their problems are "Microsoft's/Windows' fault" without supplying absolute proof that Windows *is* causing the problem.

Here's a scary thought; We are *way* overdue for a new Bob Newhart TV series.

Thank God the Emmys finally took place. Because otherwise the Terrorists win, and we certainly can't have that. Besides, if it was cancelled, we wouldn't get to read all the catty comments about people's outfits, and who showed up with who, and why *some* people couldn't show up.

Consumer Alert; Remember, 1/3 of the Movie Trailers show all the good scenes from the movie in question, and another 1/3 show scenes that end up either not in the movie at all, or greatly changed. It's up to you to find out what kind of movie trailer you're watching.

It's the 75th Anniversary of the Tilt-A-Whirl this year. We're really not sure who would care about this, except maybe the people who make that Sawdust stuff you use to mop up puke.

Someone really needs to write an Etiquette book on 3-ways and wife-swapping and orgies. It's a very underserved market that needs to be filled. We'll take 10% of the Gross when you decide to write said book, please.

You think the reason TNN keeps showing those "It's the NEW TNN!" commercials every 10 minutes is because they're tired of answering phone calls from inbred families who keep asking what time Crook and Chase and Hee Haw are on?

Looking for a Xmas gift for that Special Someone? How about Darrin's Dance Grooves, where they can learn the dance secrets of N'Sync, Britney, Jordan Knight, and MORE! Also is another one of those web sites to leave up on someone's computer when they're not around.

With word that the new release of E.T. has had scenes showing guns digitally altered to remove them, and the Star Wars Special Edition having been altered so that Han Solo doesn't shoot first in his meeting with Greedo, you think maybe it's time for a Truth In Labeling Law that demands directors put Warning Labels on copies of movies that they've altered in order to have them fit in more with their current Beliefs? Hell, they have to warn you that the movie has been "Altered to fit your screen", why not "Altered to fit my views"?

Pretending We Care About Michael Jackson News, Part Two; "There are some rashes" - Mickey, claiming to an interviewer that he has Anthrax. He also claimed that it's hard to breathe, which we're sure has nothing to do with the fact that multiple plastic surgeries have left his nostrils about the size of a proton.

.We're sure there's a good reason why On The Line, a romantic comedy starring members of N'Sync (yeah, right), was made. And we're pretty sure it involved some sort of Drunken Bar Bet.

Speaking of scenes cut from Movies, Warner Bros. has once again listened to the complaints of DVD collectors, and has decided to re-release Batman Beyond; Return Of The Joker in it's Original, Uncut format sometime in 2002. Seems there were some naughty scenes of the Joker torturing Robin, and we certainly wouldn't want scenes of violence in a movie about a Homicidal Maniac, would we? Might hurt sales of those Joker Dolls.

Microsoft has reduced the Time Limit before Unchecked Hotmail accounts expire from 120 to 30 days. However, for a mere $12.95 a year, you can have more storage space, and there's no time limit for checking your accounts. Yeah, this was a real good idea considering 1) 90% of people use Hotmail as a "fake" address to avoid Spam, and 2) All the fun Microsoft is having with Lawsuits at the moment. And we all know how well Free Web Services that suddenly decide to start charging do.

You know you're officially Old when the news that you've Fallen goes from a hunt for Band-Aids to a hunt for the Phone to call 911.

Yes, we are very impressed with your ability to say your name and phone number in less than a second. However, a 12 dollar answering machine is really no place to show this skill off.

Proof That God, On Occasion, Listens To And Answers Prayers; Reports are that the remaining Spice Girls are not speaking, and all are claiming a break-up is imminent. You might wanna stop into your local Church this Sunday, just this once, to say "Thanks".

And we'd like to thank Disney for making us happy by showing It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown on ABC. And then pissing us off by cutting almost 4 minutes out of the cartoon to make room for some ridiculously-long "Disney is MAGIC!" commercials. Bastards...

Thought for the week; When Windows XP tells you not to install something, it's usually for a pretty good reason. Learn from our Mistake.

And yes, we went out and bought Windows XP. Feel free to send your emails accusing us of eating Fried Welfare Babies and the like to Someone Who Cares.

Balthayzr was just glad the error didn't corrupt his 6 gigs of por...uh, Research Materials.

Return to HGNews