|November 26th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We waste *way* too much space discussing the ABC Family Channel, begin our annual Bitchy Guide To Christmas Shopping, and warn that Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Gaming Systems.
A Happy belated birthday to poor Rodney Dangerfield, who was shown that even God don't show him No Respect after one of his presents turned out to be a mild Chest Grabber.
So, has ABC come up with *any* decent excuse for their "Victoria Secrets" theme night? C'mon, showing a Lingerie Show with the "Too Much Skin" parts cut out for Network TV makes about as much sense as cutting all the Naughty Scenes out of a porn movie and showing it on cable for the Plot. Oh, wait, they do that already.
"Boy, my Deep Fried Turkey came out so Juicy and Tasty!" Yeah, what do you think a guy who just spent over a Hundred bucks on a Turkey Deep Fryer is going to say?
Besides, you know why it came out so juicy? Because it absorbed about a pound of cooking grease from the Fryer, that's why. You might wanna grab the phone number of Rodney Dangerfield's doctor...
Oh, yeah, that's exactly what the WWF needed to pick up their drooping business. Yet another round of Austin vs. McMahon. Gee, any chance we can re-form DegenerationX, too?
"Swerve" Old Definition; When something happens during a wrestling show that's the complete opposite of what people are expecting, like the lead Hero turning Bad Guy. New Definition; Doing something completely out of left field to try and fool the 5% of the Wrestling Audience that reads Internet Wrestling News Sites and subscribe to Newsletters.
On TNN's Robot Wars, what purpose do the goofy costumes worn by the robot operators serve? You're hoping that they're laughing so much at your dime-store Halloween costume that they stop paying attention to the battle, and thus leave themselves open for cheap shots?
"Inspirational Programming/Music" :translation: "Here are our Religious Beliefs. Now Open Wide, pagan.".
What's worse than walking into a fast-food joint and getting waited on by a completely clueless, afraid-of-everything trainee? Hearing the unmistakable sounds of a nasty Cold eminating from said trainee mere seconds after you've bitten into the food he's served you.
Note to the world's Various Manufacturers; A cheap, grainy videotape of a Factory Tour and/or History Of Your Company is not a proper "Free Gift" for sitting through a multi-hour Demo.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Due to pressure from various Parent and Spousal Groups, in 2033 Congress will pass a law forbidding any Video Game company from planning or announcing a new "Next Generation" System for at least 18 months after they've released their last "Next Generation" System.
What, exactly, are you supposed to do with Novelty Toilet Paper? Are you actually supposed to use it, or are there actually companies out there who believe pictures on toilet paper are some sort of Displayable Art Form?
Incoming Clue Alert: Learn the difference between a Flat Screen and a Flat Panel Display. A Flat Screen is simply a normal Monitor who's viewing area is flat instead of slightly rounded out. A Flat Panel Display is one of those inch-thick LCD-ish monitors that cost about a thousand bucks more.
The only reason we're gonna be watching ABC Family Channel (Formerly Fox Family, formerly The Family Channel, formerly The 700 Club Porn Network) is so we can watch them cancel all the existing crapola like Totally Spies (Where some japanese anime company doesn't know the Valley Girl stage ended some years ago)and Braceface (where Alicia Silverstone still pretends she has a post-Batman career).
And then, of course, replace it with even worse crapola, so we can hurry up and see if we will win the Who Will Buy This Channel Next? Death Pool.
Speaking of ABC Family Crapola; Let's see if we understand the plot of Three Days. An ignorant guy, who takes his wife for granted, watches helplessly as she's clobbered by a car at Christmas. An Angel shows up, and sends him back 3 days in time so he can change his ways and show his wife that he loves her. The caveat, says The Angel, is that she's still gonna die. So, his reward is that he gets to watch her get clobbered all over again. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too, Disney.
Unless, of course, they puss out and have hubby perform some Selfless Act which saves her. In which case, we're going to be severely disappointed.
An upcoming episode of The Drew Carry Show will feature the Gang's Wacky High School Adventures, with younger actors playing the parts of Carry and his cronies. ABC says that, if the episode gets good enough ratings, they might consider making it a Series. So, if you've been wondering what you can do to Serve Your Country in this Dark Time; Do anything, ANYTHING, that doesn't involve watching this abortion. Harsh, but it's the Only way they'll learn.
A Moment Of Silence for Mary Kay Ash, leader of the Mary Kay Cosmetics Cult....uh, Company, who passed away last week. And yes, you are the first person to ask if she'll have a Pink Hearse, or if she'll be buried in a pink casket, or any of the other 5000 "Pink" jokes we've heard this week.
Another Moment Of Silence for SNK, the video game company most famous for their Thousand-Dollar video game system and the 674 rip-offs of Street Fighter II they published in the last year. Quick clue, ex-SNK employees; Even Capcom has eased up on flogging the Street Fighter dead horse. Not Stopped, by any means, but actually making the effort to create games other than 2-D Fighters.
Delightful News; The Bruce Lee estate has given permission for a movie company to use Computer technology to insert him into a Starring role in an upcoming feature film. And we bet the person most happy about this news is Yoko Ono, because all the whoring she's done of her Dead Husband really doesn't look too horrid next to this abomination.
What makes this announcement doubly disturbing is the news that Scientists have supposedly successfully cloned a human embryo, which we're afraid will give Hollywood even *more* ghoulish ideas...
Why, when a Hostage is released, do they insist on doing a Press Conference? Is it so Hollywood Agents can get a good look at their faces, or is it so can learn something new about how people don't liked to be kidnapped and held prisoner?
Note To Parents Doing Christmas Shopping; Yes, the Dreamcast is 49 bucks. It's 49 bucks for a good reason. The system Failed, and is now considered Dead. Stores are trying to clear space for Current Systems. Your kids will not be thrilled with the gift of a Dead System that even Sega isn't gonna be making games for, anymore.
One Of The Things That Makes Life Worthwhile; Discovering the minimum-wage worker that serving/cleaning up after you is the person that bullied you all through your School Years.
Note to all the people we heard in Best Buy and various other electronic stores; You think Bill Gates is sitting up at night, crying because *you* ain't buying the XBox? Check all the stores with the "Sorry, XBox Sold Out" signs in the windows, and see if your Stance Against Evil Capitalism made one bit of difference.
Yes, we *did* buy the Xbox. And we enjoy it very much. Feel free to wait until someone designs a Linux Gaming System, pal.
And besides, just makes it easier for the rest of us to find copies of Halo and that damned DVD Remote.
Not Another Teen Movie, or Not Another Idiot That's Seen "Naked Gun" And "Scary Movie" On Cable One Too Many Times..
Balthayzr wants Rodney to put out another Rap Song.