Schizotrichia by Balthayzr
ARCHIVES

2001
November 5th, 2001
October 29th, 2001
October 22nd, 2001
October 15th, 2001
October 8th, 2001
October 1st, 2001
September 24th, 2001
September 17th, 2001
September 10th, 2001
September 3rd, 2001
August 27th, 2001
August 20th, 2001
August 13th, 2001
August 6th, 2001
July 30th, 2001
July 23rd, 2001
July 16th, 2001
July 9th, 2001
July 2nd, 2001
June 25th, 2001
June 18th, 2001
June 11th, 2001
June 4th, 2001
May 28th, 2001
May 21st, 2001
May 14th, 2001
May 7th, 2001
April 30th, 2001
April 23rd, 2001
April 16th, 2001
April 9th, 2001
April 2nd, 2001
March 26th, 2001
March 19th, 2001
March 12th, 2001
March 5th, 2001
February 26th, 2001
February 19th, 2001
February 12th, 2001
February 5th, 2001
January 29th, 2001
January 22nd, 2001
January 15th, 2001
January 8th, 2001
January 1st, 2001

2000
December 25th, 2000
December 18th, 2000
December 11th, 2000
December 4th, 2000
November 27th, 2000
November 20th, 2000
November 13th, 2000
November 6th, 2000
October 30th, 2000
October 23rd, 2000
October 16th, 2000
October 9th, 2000
October 2nd, 2000
September 25th, 2000
September 18th, 2000
September 11th, 2000
September 4th, 2000
August 28st, 2000
August 21st, 2000
August 14th, 2000
August 7th, 2000
July 31st, 2000
July 24th, 2000
July 17th, 2000
July 10th, 2000
July 3rd, 2000
June 26th, 2000
June 19th, 2000
June 12th, 2000
June 5th, 2000
May 29th, 2000
May 22nd, 2000
May 15th, 2000
May 8th, 2000
May 1st, 2000
April 24th, 2000
April 17th, 2000
April 10th, 2000
April 3rd, 2000
March 27th, 2000
March 20th, 2000
March 13th, 2000
March 6th, 2000
February 28th, 2000
February 21st, 2000
February 14th, 2000
February 7th, 2000
January 31st, 2000
January 24th, 2000
January 17th, 2000
January 10th, 2000
January 3rd, 2000

1999
December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

A Random Xmas
Card

November 12th, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Lots of WWF commentary (Hey, what other wrestling federation is left to make catty comments about?), compare and contrast the many fun things people like to put in their mouths, and just generally abuse both the "Bold" and "Italics" HTML Tags.

By the by, despite what you see on the cute little animations they show on the commercials, medicine does *not* instantly work. You should probably wait a bit longer than 10-15 minutes before popping another handful of those pills.

We are not only officially sick of Harry Potter, we are officially sick of people who are officially sick of Harry Potter. Look at it this way, sport, you ain't the first idiot to do some Book or article based on a Potter/Bible comparison.

We must say, however, that we're amused by the new Harry Potter ads on TV, where the scenes shown and the quick-cut editing make it appear to be a Horror Movie or Willis-Type Action Film.

Think we've mentioned Potter enough times for some cheap Search Engine hits?

Is there any way we can blame the fact that the Olsen Twins seem to have some new "project" out every day on the Terrorists? Please?

How many different WWF Action Figure Series does one civilization need?

And we'd like to thank the Weakest Link people for sneaking a XFL Question on the recent WWF Edition of the show. No big deal, we're just great believers in repeatedly reminding Multi-Million Corporations of their big boo-boos.

Here's a way to avoid a *lot* of arguments with Friends or Loved Ones; Commercial Time during their show does not mean it's time to grab the remote and play What's On Every Other Channel Besides This One?.

We can see the upcoming Celebrity Edition of Fear Factor being a bit ratings hit. Especially if they have a vote on which Celebrities get the treatment, and what exactly the Treatment is...

Note to *any* Professional Wrestlers; When you screw up a move, just forget it and move on. Trying it again right away just makes it all look fakey.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2019, after tracing the causes of several heart attacks, the Software Association Of America Passes the Truth In Audio Rule, which states: Any piece of software that makes any sort of loud and/or sudden noise to signify the completing of an Operation must have a Warning Label about same on it's packaging and Installation Screen.

Stallone is reportedly penning Rambo IV: Rambo VS. Osama bin Laden. Uh huh. Ya just gotta love the weeks when this column practically writes itself...

Ok, the next person who tells us something tastes like "piss" or "shit" will be asked to prove how they know how Piss and Shit tastes.

Note to the Various News Agencies; It's been 2 months. Is there *anything* else happening in the world besides the War On Terrorism?

Remember, if yer gonna quote the Bible, make sure you quote it 100% correctly. Because there are many, many people out there who are just as sanctimonious as you are, and can't wait to prove it by pointing out Incorrectly Quoted/Applied Bible Passages.

A New York bar called the "Remote Lounge" has over 60 cameras installed at it's various tables, with Monitors at the tables so you can look the Meat Market over without looking like a drooling pervert. But yet, we bet a lot of these same people cry about those Cameras out on the streets that the police use to keep an eye on high-crime areas.

Since Time Squad on Cartoon Network contains actual facts about Historical Personages, how long until they try to shop it around, ala Captain Planet, as Educational Programming to help TV Stations satisfy those pesky FCC Rules?

People Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes, Part 459: People who, when you ask them a simple favor like asking them to hand you a tool or a sheet of paper, ask "Why?".

Incoming Clue Alert; Gobbling Altoids is *not* an acceptable substitute for Proper Oral Hygiene.

Note to the various Cartoon Shows and their Creators; "Something Disgusting Happening" is no substitute for "Something Amusing, Or At Least Interesting, Happening".

Neither does what can charitably be called Random Odd Stupidity. Only the modern Space Ghost and related programming has successfully carried the Non Sequitur School Of Humor off.

And we'd like to thank the Print Movie Ads for Monsters, Inc. for telling us that "Monsters, Inc. Books are available where Books Are Sold." Thanks, that saves us from spending a lot of time wandering around, say, a Fish Market or Construction Site looking for Monsters, Inc. Books.

Speaking of cartoons (and we were, somewhere along the line here...), we'd like to inform the people who made The Flintstones On The Rocks that we've never seen Fred and Barney's Ass Cheeks, and we never want to EVER AGAIN, thank you very much.

Quote Of The Time Period Until We Find A Better One; "He would start giggling, like a little boy...That was one man she was unable to Conquer." - Upcoming book about Madonna, discussing her attempts to Seduce Michael Jackson (yeah, you read that right) backstage at the Oscars a couple of years ago. Nicely put, there, "Unable to Conquer."

And we just have one little question for Madonna, here; WHY? Was it his turn on the List, did he have a book of E-Tickets, you lose an Election Bet, what?

People Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes, Part 321: People who, when you tell them about a news story or something about Your Day, say "Really?". No, our lives are so empty that we make up random crap about when tickets go on sale for the local version of Handel's Messiah, and wander around blathering it to people.

Remember, you're not Kewl unless you've been walking around, "mourning" the death of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest author Ken Kesey. Make sure you point out that the book The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test was about him and a bunch of his buddies and several pounds of LSD making a Bus Trip of some sort.

Note to Jim Ross, WWF Announcer; How, exactly, does a "scalded" dog run any faster or better than a normal one? Ya know, the *other* WWF (The World Wildlife Fund? Guys that keep suing you people over your various logos and such?), being kinda an Animal Rights Association, may not take kindly to your little expressions. Just a heads-up.

Here's a scary thought; We are *way* overdue for someone to do another High Noon remake/take-off/whatever.

Balthayzr uploaded this via Satellite while waiting in line for an XBox. For his nephew. Honest.

Return to HGNews