|November 12th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Lots of WWF commentary (Hey, what other wrestling federation is left to make catty comments about?), compare and contrast the many fun things people like to put in their mouths, and just generally abuse both the "Bold" and "Italics" HTML Tags.
By the by, despite what you see on the cute little animations they show on the commercials, medicine does *not* instantly work. You should probably wait a bit longer than 10-15 minutes before popping another handful of those pills.
We are not only officially sick of Harry Potter, we are officially sick of people who are officially sick of Harry Potter. Look at it this way, sport, you ain't the first idiot to do some Book or article based on a Potter/Bible comparison.
We must say, however, that we're amused by the new Harry Potter ads on TV, where the scenes shown and the quick-cut editing make it appear to be a Horror Movie or Willis-Type Action Film.
Think we've mentioned Potter enough times for some cheap Search Engine hits?
Is there any way we can blame the fact that the Olsen Twins seem to have some new "project" out every day on the Terrorists? Please?
How many different WWF Action Figure Series does one civilization need?
And we'd like to thank the Weakest Link people for sneaking a XFL Question on the recent WWF Edition of the show. No big deal, we're just great believers in repeatedly reminding Multi-Million Corporations of their big boo-boos.
Here's a way to avoid a *lot* of arguments with Friends or Loved Ones; Commercial Time during their show does not mean it's time to grab the remote and play What's On Every Other Channel Besides This One?.
We can see the upcoming Celebrity Edition of Fear Factor being a bit ratings hit. Especially if they have a vote on which Celebrities get the treatment, and what exactly the Treatment is...
Note to *any* Professional Wrestlers; When you screw up a move, just forget it and move on. Trying it again right away just makes it all look fakey.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2019, after tracing the causes of several heart attacks, the Software Association Of America Passes the Truth In Audio Rule, which states: Any piece of software that makes any sort of loud and/or sudden noise to signify the completing of an Operation must have a Warning Label about same on it's packaging and Installation Screen.
Stallone is reportedly penning Rambo IV: Rambo VS. Osama bin Laden. Uh huh. Ya just gotta love the weeks when this column practically writes itself...
Ok, the next person who tells us something tastes like "piss" or "shit" will be asked to prove how they know how Piss and Shit tastes.
Note to the Various News Agencies; It's been 2 months. Is there *anything* else happening in the world besides the War On Terrorism?
Remember, if yer gonna quote the Bible, make sure you quote it 100% correctly. Because there are many, many people out there who are just as sanctimonious as you are, and can't wait to prove it by pointing out Incorrectly Quoted/Applied Bible Passages.
A New York bar called the "Remote Lounge" has over 60 cameras installed at it's various tables, with Monitors at the tables so you can look the Meat Market over without looking like a drooling pervert. But yet, we bet a lot of these same people cry about those Cameras out on the streets that the police use to keep an eye on high-crime areas.
Since Time Squad on Cartoon Network contains actual facts about Historical Personages, how long until they try to shop it around, ala Captain Planet, as Educational Programming to help TV Stations satisfy those pesky FCC Rules?
People Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes, Part 459: People who, when you ask them a simple favor like asking them to hand you a tool or a sheet of paper, ask "Why?".
Incoming Clue Alert; Gobbling Altoids is *not* an acceptable substitute for Proper Oral Hygiene.
Note to the various Cartoon Shows and their Creators; "Something Disgusting Happening" is no substitute for "Something Amusing, Or At Least Interesting, Happening".
Neither does what can charitably be called Random Odd Stupidity. Only the modern Space Ghost and related programming has successfully carried the Non Sequitur School Of Humor off.
And we'd like to thank the Print Movie Ads for Monsters, Inc. for telling us that "Monsters, Inc. Books are available where Books Are Sold." Thanks, that saves us from spending a lot of time wandering around, say, a Fish Market or Construction Site looking for Monsters, Inc. Books.
Speaking of cartoons (and we were, somewhere along the line here...), we'd like to inform the people who made The Flintstones On The Rocks that we've never seen Fred and Barney's Ass Cheeks, and we never want to EVER AGAIN, thank you very much.
Quote Of The Time Period Until We Find A Better One; "He would start giggling, like a little boy...That was one man she was unable to Conquer." - Upcoming book about Madonna, discussing her attempts to Seduce Michael Jackson (yeah, you read that right) backstage at the Oscars a couple of years ago. Nicely put, there, "Unable to Conquer."
And we just have one little question for Madonna, here; WHY? Was it his turn on the List, did he have a book of E-Tickets, you lose an Election Bet, what?
People Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes, Part 321: People who, when you tell them about a news story or something about Your Day, say "Really?". No, our lives are so empty that we make up random crap about when tickets go on sale for the local version of Handel's Messiah, and wander around blathering it to people.
Remember, you're not Kewl unless you've been walking around, "mourning" the death of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest author Ken Kesey. Make sure you point out that the book The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test was about him and a bunch of his buddies and several pounds of LSD making a Bus Trip of some sort.
Note to Jim Ross, WWF Announcer; How, exactly, does a "scalded" dog run any faster or better than a normal one? Ya know, the *other* WWF (The World Wildlife Fund? Guys that keep suing you people over your various logos and such?), being kinda an Animal Rights Association, may not take kindly to your little expressions. Just a heads-up.
Here's a scary thought; We are *way* overdue for someone to do another High Noon remake/take-off/whatever.
Balthayzr uploaded this via Satellite while waiting in line for an XBox. For his nephew. Honest.