|November 19th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: No more calls (or subpoenas) for Phillip Morris, discussions of Movies that will be in the Blockbuster Remainder Bin sometime in February, and we insure a place on Fetish Porn Search Engines by mentioning PowerPumpers, Xena, and Barbie in the same column.
Note to the PowerPumper people; Yeah, neat little ride-on toy. You might want to get commentary about *how* neat it is from kids who are actual Actors, and don't sound like they just came out of a 5-year coma.
You also might want to come up with a name that doesn't make it sound so much like a Sex Toy.
And info for the 3 people who still cared enough to watch it; The Howard Stern TV show that was running at about 2AM Sunday morning on CBS has been canned.
However, we're pretty sure the E! show, that features 2-year old interviews with topless women, is still going on. You have to wonder what it says about your Career when your "Best Of" TV Program is mostly showing 2-year-old bits, but who are we to comment...
Note to the Red Cross; Yes, nothing makes us want to donate time, blood, and/or money like a commercial featuring the Backstreet Boys reading cue cards in a slight Lithium daze.
And a moment of silence for Bleem, the software company that made Emulators that would allow you to play One Gaming Systems' games (We ain't saying who, 'cuz we don't feel like getting sued) on just about every other platform on earth. Seems their chief business turned into mailing large checks to various lawyers, so they decided to just stop while they were behind.
According to several Online sources, about 130 people were fired from TechTV, 126 of them from The Screen Savers alone. This has to come as wonderful news to Scott "Are we still showing Internet Tonight Reruns?" Herriot, who now gets to find a new job with a resume whose job description reads "Spend days looking for wacky web sites to make fun of on Cable TV.".
"Your Results May Vary" :translation: "Your results may be different than the ones we got from our Lab Professionals who spent weeks setting up the experiments so they'd come out the way we wanted them to.".
So, who's surprised that a bunch of bored reporters hunted up some "witches" so they could get some anti-Harry Potter quotes about the misrepresentation of Wicca?
Remember the Good Old Days, when punching and kicking in Wrestling was illegal, thus forcing the wrestlers to do actual Wrestling Moves?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2005, economists studying the post 9/11 economy will discover that the resulting Recession was caused mostly by the fact that people were afraid to do/buy/consume anything, for fear that they would not be showing Proper Respect For The Victims, or people of Other Belief Systems.
And while Out Cold looks like someone was rummaging around in his attic and stumbled across one of those old "Let's do a Animal House/Caddyshack movie!" scripts from the early 80's, we *do* have a bit of grudging respect for it's scenes of amusing Mindfuckery, such as putting the passed-out guy in the car and spinning it so he thinks he fell asleep at the wheel...
Ya know, no one really cares about your wacky "How Microsoft Should Have Been Punished" jokes. Especially when you email them to us a dozen at a time.
Thank God we have the various Charge Card companies around to show us the proper way to show our Patriotism in this Dark Hour; By getting, and using, a Patriotic-Themed Credit Card. Yes, once you pull out that red, white and blue Fantastic Plastic card at you local Wal-Mart to purchase some Pork Rinds and the latest Enquirer, Osama will be crawling to the nearest Northern Alliance camp, begging for mercy.
There seems to be quite a few commercials on TechTV for The Woman Within, for "Plus-Size" women. Are you trying to make some sort of commentary about your Target Audience there, kiddies?
We have seen the True Face Of Evil, and it the Barbie Christmas Tree, complete with Accessories Available Separately. Because that's what every family wants; for the kids to have their own tree for their own presents so as to cut down on the traffic around the Main Tree Christmas Morn.
You do realize that, a hundred years from now, people are going to look at those goofy Electric Muscle Stimulators (the ones that apply a mild electric shock to your Abs and other muscles, making them tense so you don't have to exercise) and the people who used them in the same quaint way we look at Applying Leeches and Bleeding people to balance their 4 Bodily Humors?
We're obviously being punished for our Blasphemy against that Facts Of Life reunion movie, since Kim "Tootie" Fields seems to have secured a job as a local D.J.'s Wacky Sidekick. Meaning, someday, we're gonna be searching the dial looking for the Traffic Report or the news, and we're gonna blunder across that voice, and end up driving right off a bridge or something...
People brag about their computer speed and frames per second and the like the way people used to brag about their Cars. What next, people gonna drag their computers out to some Drive-In Eatery's parking lot to have Downloading Contests?
There is nothing funkier looking than a "blond" woman who is letting her natural Brunette-ness grow back in. For God's sake, take a couple bucks, pick which color you want your hair to be, and just suffer through the dye job, okay?
Is there a particular reason, besides the Lead being female, that Xena is on Oprah's Oxygen channel? Well, female, and she spends most of her time dispatching men with her Sword, and having almost-lesbian adventures with her sidekick, which, from what little we've seen of this channel, seems to be right in line with most of the other programming...
And we're sure the fact that she was willing to do a lot of "nude" scenes, thus insuring her panting Fan Legions would tune in, had nothing to do with Ms. Lawless being hired for X-Files.
Speaking of X-Files; The government developing Super-Solders, Mr. Creator Chris Carter? Does that mean we can look forward to a certain Shield-Slinging Super-Hero to pop in and help? Because a "Who Would Win, Captain America Or Xena" Fanboy battle would keep your show's name buzzing through the Newsgroups for months.
One of the rules for the Comdex Electronics Show this year was that no one was allowed to carry any sort of Baggage on the Show Floor, for Security Reasons. Which puts a crimp in the Main Reason people go to this show; to collects 8 metric tons of crappy pens with Company Names You've Never Heard Of, And Never Will Again, stamped on them.
Black Knight, or It's "Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court", But With A Jivey Black Guy! And With The Story Changed A Lot In Case There Were Any Royalty Issues. Please Come See It, Because We Were Stupid Enough To Sign Martin Lawrence To A Multi-Picture Deal Back Before He Fried His Brains..
After the last episode of Real World In Chicago is filmed, MTV is going to auction off all the furniture. Yeah, we were just saying to ourselves, what our house needs is a Couch or Bed that Strangers have screwed on, puked on, cried on, and God Knows what else when the camera was off.
Cartoon Network's Justice League premiere episode does get one brownie point for going right ahead and doing the obvious "Superfriends" gag.
From Our "Nice Try" File; Phillip Morris is changing their name to The Altria Group. Yeah, that'll solve all the outstanding Lawsuits and everything right there, a new name that sounds like it comes from a Multilevel Marketing Network.
The Wash, or Yeah, It's a "Car Wash" Rip-Off. What Do You Want From A Director/Writer Named DJ Pooh?.
Balthayzr has seen all the Captain America movies. And has the Therapy Bills to prove it.