|December 10th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We help you out with your Christmas shopping in the least labor-intensive way possible, find yet another way to sneak in a Harry Potter Reference, and wonder at what point will our Decreasing Average IQs cause all involuntary muscle movements to cease.
Incoming Clue Alert: Of course Support News Groups are full of people complaining about the Product in question and pointing out problems with it. That's what Support Newsgroups are *for*. You rarely see posts in Support Newsgroups stating "Gee, everything's just SWELL! See you later!" for just such a reason.
Let's save a little wear and tear on your mouse; When there's a Link on a web site labeled "Remove Ads" or "Premium Content" or the like, it usually leads to a "Preferred Customer" page that involves sending some complete stranger your credit card number, just so you can pay 20 bucks a year to read the same damn drivel without the "Shock The Monkey and WIN" Banners.
Should we be at all suspicious that our ISP is also our phone company, and the phone company charges us 10 cents every time we get cut off from the internet and have to dial back in?
It just ain't the Christmas season until we start seeing the dopey-assed stories about people protesting about Too Much Christianity in Christmas Traditions and Decorations. Because all the world's problems would be solved it the local church would just stop putting that Manger Scene out, y'know?
And we're not gonna even mention how these nuts, no matter which side of the Political Aisle they sit on, claim they're showing all this intolerance in the name of Tolerance. See, it ain't Tolerance if you apply it to only stuff you already agree with, chummer. No one's dying because there's an Angel on a Christmas Tree. No one's a slave because someone has a poinsettia on his desk at work... (Ok, so we touched it a *little*.)
Simple Truth Of Life We Learned From Watching Cops; Claiming the vehicle where the police just found 5 pounds of drugs either 1) Belongs to a friend of yours, or 2) Was borrowed by a friend, and you didn't notice the large plastic bag full of white powder on the passenger seat when he returned it to you, NEVER, EVER WORKS.
Neither does calling the arresting officer "Sir" over and over like he's your new Drill Sergeant.
Okay, we have *quite* enough articles comparing the 9/11 Attacks to Pearl Harbor, thank you very much...
And it was certainly nice of the Ocean's Eleven cast to show up and visit with Our Troops. And we're sure they did it out of the Goodness Of Their Hearts, and not so every News Station On Earth would cover it and thus mention the Movie's name over and over.
Note to Miss Cleo; Sending us spam about how we should be calling you because you're the world's greatest and most accurate psychic don't really work when you get our names wrong.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In the next few years, improvements and supplements to the IT (i.e. GINGER) invention will include the IT 5, otherwise known as the "Big Wheel"; IT 8, AKA "The Rocket Powered Pogo Stick", and IT 15, also known as "Getting Off Your Fat Ass Long Enough To Actually Walk Somewhere".
Swell. Ahhhnold has accepted 30 Million large for starring in Terminator 3, in which we're sure they'll explain why Terminators age and have odd European Accents. Wonder if they're gonna ignore the 800 paperbacks and 5000 comic books that have "added" to the Terminator History since T2 came out. We know we have.
We are Officially sick of the "Give A Little Bit" singing Gap Ads. We actually kind of wish we shopped at that bloody store, so we could stop in protest...
Is there some law that all British Male Stereotypes have to have the Official Terry-Thomas Space Between The Front Teeth?
Another in our series of Schizotrichia Christmas Gift Suggestions; The Turd Twister. It also makes a very nice web site to leave up on a co-worker's computer when they wander off, especially with perhaps a sticky note applied to the monitor, "signed" by another co-worker, with "Hint, Hint" scribbled on it.
And no, you may *not* ask just how we stumbled across that site. Suffice to say it did not involve looking for porn...
So they've got these Harry Potter Jelly Beans, in such lovely flavors as Dirt, Boogers and Vomit. And we'll ask the most obvious question; Who taste-tested these things and said "Yep, tastes just like eating Vomit. They Pass.".
And wouldn't the taste of Vomit depend on what the Vomiter ate, making the result highly subjective anyway?
Best sign on RAW this week; "WCW=XFL".
Note to TNN; It's really not The Uncut Godfather when you digitize out the nudity.
You know why Jim Carrey is making all these serious movies? Because, in these types of movies, you don't have to spend 12 hours in a make-up chair having 30 pounds of Yak Hair glued to you and inch-thick Contact Lenses shoved in your eye sockets.
Note to the ten thousand idiots crawling all over the malls; There is nothing that says you can't Christmas Shop till after Thanksgiving. If, in your travels, you see something someone would like as a gift, and it's July, buy the damn thing and store it in your closet for the next few months...
Okay, enough with the damn Matrix effects already. Your Crapfest isn't any better just because you got that damned Bullet Time and Fishing Line Ballets all over the place. In fact, the next movie that in any way mentions The Matrix in it's ads, reviews, or anywhere else, be warned that Santa's bringing us a new Scope for the Sniper Rifle. He Promised.
And in a similar vein; Let's put a halt to all this "Cel-Shading makes the video game better, honest!" shit right now, as well.
Another in our series of Schizotrichia Christmas Gift Suggestions; Ladies, you know what the gift of an Electric Shaver says? It says "I was too lazy and uninterested to paw through the pile of ties to find the least ugly one.".
Are Weakest Link and Millionaire having some sort of contest to see who can dig up the Dumbest Group Of Celebrities?
We get this email the other day from one of the News Mailing Lists, and it says that Epileptics Rights Groups are now objecting to the term "Brainstorm". They would prefer it if you used the term "Thought Shower". The saddest part of this whole thing? We've reached the point in this society where it's impossible to tell if this is a joke or not...
Speaking of; The quickest way to tell if that Email you got is actually Factual or not? If it contains the sentence "Please Forward This To Everyone You Know", chances are it's already listed at the Urban Legend/Virus Hoax pages.
Note to Vince McMahon; At what point did you actually think showing your ass on television was going to increase Ratings? Did you have visions of an "Official WWF McMahon Ass-Kissing Set" under every Christmas Tree?
Balthayzr ordered a matching set of Colostomy Bag Christmas Stockings.