|December 3rd, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Drugs, It's Ginger, Phat Pipes need Viagra, and one of the few places on Earth where George Harrison and Ron Jeremy share column space.
No matter how good your Credit Rating is, you still get that *slight* little chill when you get that letter that says "Important Information About Your Account" on the envelope.
Note to people using Excite@Home or one of it's "affiliates" like AT&T Broadband to access the Internet; Not such a "Phat Pipe" now, is it kiddies?!
Of course, since Excite@Home cut off their net-access, they're really not going to be able to read the above line, so it makes sense to rag on them about it...
That's "IT"? That's the "Ginger" invention that's been this big, Life-Changing Secret all this time? An All-Terrain Motor Scooter? Incoming Clue Alert, fellas; With the Dot.Com bust, no one's really wasting money on "Yuppie" Toys any more.
Okay, interviews with people who were "involved" with the making of your movie ain't really what we consider "bonus footage" on our DVDs. We don't care what the "star's" Personal Interpretation Of His Character is. We don't care about Wacky Lunch Stories from the Assistant Make-Up Artist...
Warning to Computer Geeks the world over; Do *not* answer your phone from about Dec. 22nd to sometime in mid-January. Because with prices of computers dropping to record lows, more people will probably be buying computers for Christmas. And 99% of these people can't figure out how to add more than 2 numbers together on a Calculator. And they're going to be calling *you* for help.
"Package Cover Art done by World Renown Artist" isn't exactly what we call a Special Feature of a computer or video game.
And a Moment Of Silence for George "Quiet One" Harrison, Beatle Member and the guy responsible for the groups "Sitars, and lots of them" period. Who has just proved no matter how Famous, or Spiritual, you might be, when the Angel of Death comes for you, you have to Assume The Position just like us Normal Slobs.
The only Good Thing; No Musically-Inclined Wife, Kids, or Relatives moving in to Whore his memory into a "career" of their own.
And if you see one movie this Holiday Season, go see Porn Star: The Legend Of Ron Jeremy, a delightful look at the Life, Times and Career of this ubermensch who gives hope to all short, fat, hairy guys that they, too, may score with multiple bimbos one day. Because Life actually works that way, you know.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The passing of George Harrison will result in the Hollywood types demanding more Research Money be put into Finding A Cure For Cancer. This hysteria will last until another Beloved Famous Person dies from a Different Illness, after which we will be informed by Those That Care that Research into a Cure for this Disease now needs our Attention And Donations More Than Ever...
Take a quick look at the Logic of drugs for a second; Drugs affect the human body by mildly poisoning it. And drug users purchase this Mild Poison from seedy strangers doing business out of filthy alleys in really Swell sections of the city. In other words, you're buying Poison that you're going to ingest from a guy you've never met before and may never see again, and you have to trust this goof to not screw up the Secret Recipe.
And buying them over the Internet is even better, because you're using your Credit Card to purchase this crapola from Faceless Strangers, and *you* get to pay Shipping And Handling on it...
Candidate for Worst Job On Earth; Those poor souls we see playing Santa in those upscale Pet Stores. Bad enough to do it in a mall with kids yanking your beard, kicking you and wetting on you. Now you have to put up with the same crap from things possessing Claws and Sharp Teeth.
In fact, 90% of the Worst Jobs On Earth are those who's Official Job Title includes the word "Christmas" and "Help".
Any chance Leo LaPorte and Patrick Norton could co-ordinate their Personal Appearances and Vacations, so we can actually get *both* of them hosting The Screen Savers for more than a couple of weeks at a time?
Morgan Moss, star of the PBS Documentary American High, who rose to a bit of notoriety making his claim in the show that high school was about doing drugs, screwing up and "Blaming Society for it", has been busted for filming himself having sex with his Underage Girlfriend after copies of said tape got passed around. Oops. Anyone wanna take a guess on what his Defense is gonna be? Anyone?
PaxTV's I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, or Gee, No One's Made A "Home Alone" Movie For Awhile. Think Anyone Will Notice If We Have A Shot?.
And a Moment Of Silence for the Saturday Morning Cartoon, as Fox and NBC shop around their Saturday Morning Blocks to the Highest Bidders, who will probably most likely be Infomercials, News Shows or Movie Packages. And this has to be great news to John "Ren And Stimpy" K, who fought for years to get *someone* to accept his Ripping Friends cartoon, and he gets the rug yanked out from under him mere weeks after cashing that first FoxKids paycheck...
Of course, since 80% of the Saturday Morning Fare on Fox is DigiMon and it's various Bastard Children, we suppose it's not that big a loss.
Facial stubble does make some men look Sexy. 500 pound guys with 6 chins are not among these Men. Neither are Chinless Wonders with Adam's Apples the size of Volkswagens.
"Flavored" candy-canes, like the Life-Savers and Skittles ones, are an Abomination Unto God.
Especially those "Booze-Flavored" ones, that actually contain no booze whatsoever and are thus just a big tease. Kinda like going to a "Gentlemen's Club" and being told that the girls are, indeed, naked under all those clothes...
Cartoon Network; Where, once you're done making your Cartoon Series, we'll hire some In-House Hack to make New Episodes so you don't have to be bothered.
Note to ATA; So, what you're saying in your commercials is, either fly ATA or we'll send some Chris Farley Wanna-Be to relentlessly do his Shtick at you. Quite a threat, there.
"This is the system's Killer AP!" :Translation: "This is the only half-way decent thing you'll find for this system. And we're only saying that because they had the closest-to-naked Booth Babes at the Gaming Show".
Note to the anti-Microsoft crybabies; People with Nothing To Hide don't give a rat's ass about what get's transmitted in the WinXP "Activation". Or are we upset because this makes XP a little harder to Crack?
Let's see if we get this straight; the attraction of these Gundam Giant Robot Models is that they're extremely complicated, with lots of tiny pieces, and they take a very long, frustrating time to assemble? Have we become such a complacent, lazy society that we have to purposely make things unnecessarily complicated to make them Fun?
You know the worst thing about being a participant on the Celeb Edition of Fear Factor? Having to explain to your Pet Charity that they didn't win any money because you Puppied Out.
Balthayzr was the Fifth New Monkee.