|December 24th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: More proof that we'll always have a Column as long as MTV continues to try and avoid showing Music Videos, Take 2 Settlement Checks and call us in the Morning, and we curse a couple of times, because everyone knows Curse Words make everything so much Edgier and Witty.
From our News Stories That Make You Want To Choke Someone Till Their Eyeballs Pop Out file; Some people related to the Victims of the Oklahoma City Federal Building Bombing are protesting a Government Program that would give the Families of WTC Victims a Cash Compensation, claiming that this "snub" trivializes the lives of the people who died in Oklahoma City. And isn't that what recovering from a Terrible Event is all about, finding a way to cash in on it?
Scary News Of The Week; Dimension Films has taken the Option to make a "Feature Length Animated Movie" about Opus The Penguin, from Bloom County. Why did Nightmare Images of Rocky And Bullwinkle and Dudley Do-Right leap thru our heads when we read this?
And why do we also get the feeling it's going to be some touchy-feely crapola like most of the Post-Bloom County/OutLand Opus stuff was, instead of the Doonesbury-esque Social Commentary that made Bloom County popular in the first place? Like it's maybe going to be a wacky Road Picture of him going off to find his Mother, again?
So Comcast has merged with AT&T Broadband to form this new Uber-Cable company. And Microsoft reportedly "loaned" Comcast the necessary cash to insure AOL/Time Warner didn't win the Bidding War. This might be an excellent time to invest in companies that make hat-quality Tin Foil, as the nut-jobs will be all over a story about Microsoft being a Minority Partner in a huge "Media" Corporation.
Best reason we've heard for Tip Jars on counters; "It's to let you know This Job Sucks, and Here's How You Can Help.".
Austin Powers; GoldMember? As a Wise Man once so eloquently put it; Joke's Over, son. Go Home.
Special Note to Time Magazine; No matter who you picked for your Man Of The Year this year, you were gonna catch Shit for it. And 4 months from now, no one's gonna remember who you picked, anyway.
You really have to admire the people that invented the Gift Bag. They correctly assumed that people are so lazy that they'd rather spend 5 bucks on a small paper bag with a cute picture on it, than spend a buck on enough wrapping paper for 10 gifts but then have to actually expend the effort in cutting and taping and wrapping. Much easier to toss said gift into the bag with a piece of wadded Tissue.
Re-usable? We've never seen anyone do anything else with one of these Gift Bags other than use it to stuff all the Wrapping paper from the other gifts into it.
What does it say about us as a Civilization when the 3 Biggest Contributing Factors to the Advancement of Electronic and Computer Technology is 1) The Procurement of Porn, 2) The Playing of Video Games, and 3) A Pissing Contest to see who's Mainframe can calculate the most digits of Pi.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2012, The Screen Actor's Guild will successfully lobby to have Match Game, Password, $64,000 Pyramid and other Similar Fare brought back to Network TV, just so Has-Been and Never-Was Stars can have something to do besides goofy Old Navy-Style commercials and odd guest spots on The Simpsons and Drew Carey.
What Happens When You Don't Proof-Read; A lot of copies of the WWF 2002 Calender went out with one of the Events Noted being the "Second Exciting Season Of The XFL!!".
And Katie Couric signed her $60 Million Dollar Today deal. Just in case you were concerned about the rumors of her leaving to do a Talk Show, which experience shows always works out so well for people.
You know the worse part of all this Jimmy Neutron hoopla; It's gonna be the same crapola, Squared, when the DVD and TV Series come out.
Note to MTV; Carmen, The Hip-Hopera? Cripes, been picking thru Saturday Night Live's dumpsters again?
And in the Disclaimer, when you claim it's "Loosely Based" on the Original Opera? Does that mean "Loosely", in terms of changing just enough because you actually thought there'd be Residuals to God Knows Who, or "Loosely" in terms of that the Script is based on all you remember from studying this in Music Appreciation Class?
Makers of Hard Liquor ( and God Bless them, huh?) have struck a deal with a couple of the Networks; They can run Advertisements in the Later Hours, but first they have to run 4 months of Public Service Announcements telling everyone how deadly Hard Liquor is. And you know, nothing makes us respond more positively to an ad than a long series of spots from the Parent Company first telling us that we'll die a horrible death if we use their product, but it *will* make us more attractive to those Bikini Models, so what the hell...
Tim Allen is just gonna spend the rest of his days playing Alternate Universe versions of his "Tim Taylor" character, isn't he?
A Moment Of Silence for Dan DeCarlo, long time artist for the Archie Comics series and creator of Josie And The Pussycats. Shame that one of the last things on earth he gets to see is the Abomination of a film based on his Creation hit PPV and DVD. Since he was also responsible for Sabrina, The Teen-Aged Witch, we think someone should be asking Melissa Joan Hart *just* where she was when Mr. DeCarlo passed on.
Kate And Leopold really needs to come with a Disclaimer. Something along the lines of Guys, Here's Another Movie Featuring A Woman Meeting A Man Who's *Way* More Romantic Than You. Avoid This Movie Like The Plague Unless You Wanna Spend The Next Few Weeks (And Paychecks) Proving To Your Significant Other That You Are, Indeed, Romantic, And Could You Please Have Some Sex, Now.
Ya know all that extra stuff in DVDs, like Commentary Tracks, and Animated menus, and Interviews? Well, guess you can kiss them goodbye. Seems the various Unions want the Actors and such involved in these little Extras to get paid Comparable Big Bucks to the people who Starred In The Film. Meaning they're either gonna cut the special features out, or the typical DVD is gonna cost $100 in order to cover the new Costs. Yeah, because the 30 Million Ahhnold's gonna get for Terminator 3 ain't enough. He needs another suitcase full of money to sit in a room with the director and make a couple hours worth of Snide remarks over the footage, as well.
Sign That We, As a Civilization, Are Doomed; There's actually a "Best If Used By" date on the bottom of McDonald's Salt and Pepper Shakers.
How High; or Think Of This As A Hip-Hop Movie That "Samples" Old Cheech And Chong Bits.
From our Guess We Haven't Learned Our Lesson Yet file; MTV has just negotiated a deal to make JackAss; The Motion Picture. Think we're gonna see any "Do A Wacky Stunt For Free Tickets!" contests for this film?
And the reason most people buy Britney Spears CDs is because Ms. Spears singing sounds like she's 10 seconds away from a Major Orgasm. Anyone who ain't 1)Under 14 and 2)A Girl who tells you different is Lying In Your Face.
Best Euphemism for Male Genitalia We've Heard; "Wedding Tackle". Sounds like something you'd go pick up at a fancy Stationary or Party Supply Store, doesn't it?
Not that we've been actively searching for Euphemisms for Male Genitalia. Not at all. We just came across this in a news article we were reading and just found it... aw, shut up.
And to all 3 readers of this column; Merry Chris....uh, Happy Holid...no, not "all inclusive" enough. Seasons Greetings? Hmm, implies there's something Special about this season. Have A Nice Day? Enjoy Yet Another Joke Recycled Because We're On Our 6th Vodka Eggnog As We Type This?
Crap. We're gonna get sued *again* now, aren't we?
Balthayzr does not want to hear One More Word about whether it's "Proper" to open your Gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.