|December 31st, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Another story that makes us wonder if Japan is just being goofy on purpose, we sweep out a couple of Christmas bits we found under a pile of Wrapping Paper, and we're puzzled by the fact that "Feng Shui" was actually in our Spell Checker, but "Jambalaya" wasn't.
Best way to avoid Spam, Junk Mail, telemarketing calls, etc; If you see the word "FREE" attached to anything, run, do not walk, away.
Incoming Clue Alert; Unless you are *very* talented, or under the age of 10, anything handmade by you is NOT a Gift.
Note to ABC; So, you've gotten so desperate for programming that you gave people setting up Dominoes Prime Friday Time Network coverage?
Speaking of, we read in the paper that Whose Line Is It Anyway? is being "repurposed", which is actually a Weasel Word for "We're using it to patch the holes in our Schedule where our others shows crashed and burned after 2-3 weeks.". However, anyone else think "repurposed" sounds like one of those Corporate Buzzwords they use instead of "You're Fired, but we can't come right out and say so because you might Sue Us or Go Nuts and shoot up the place."?
"Can you do me a small favor?" :Translation: "I'm holding try-outs for a Personal Servant. Care for an audition?".
So, Dell, this Mascot Kid of yours, that can't tell the difference between the Gift Exchange Line and the Employee Uniform Return Line. Not exactly a shining example of someone whose life and education was made better by having a computer, is he?
Sad is a White DJ on a top 40 Station who tries to be cool by speaking in "Street" and gives himself a "Rap" name.
Note to Richard C. Reid, the "Shoe-Bomb Suspect"; Not that we're in favor of blowing up planes, but maybe a "Bomb" that requires you to set fire to your shoes isn't the best way to blow up an airline, what with the No-Smoking rules and all.
Besides the fact that you're now gonna go thru life with the name "Shoe-Bomb".
And who the hell would let this guy on any form of Public Transport? He looks like the understudy for the guy playing Satan in an Ed Wood Movie.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: A Department Store chain will make millions patenting the idea of an "After-Xmas" Santa, for people to complain to about all the lousy presents and rude sales help and pesky relatives. For an extra fee, children will be allowed to kick him in the shins.
And we think it's wonderful that New York has decided to set up Platforms by "Ground Zero" so that people can view the site. Because we've always said that Tragedy Needs Easy Access, Or It's Not Worth The Bother.
At this point, how far away are we from the "Twin Towers Down - Gift Emporiums", or from having a "Ben & Jerry's WTC Swirl"?
You'll be happy to know that the Hong Kong Disneyland will be 100% Feng Shui compliant when the place opens in 2005. And we'll keep looking, but we haven't found any mention of "It's A Small World" or Pesty Losers In Mascot Costumes in any of our Feng Shui books...
Of course, injecting Feng Shui into Disneyland is probably less ridiculous than injecting Political Correctness into the Pirates Of The Caribbean, or making up a bunch of rules on how Gay People "should" behave while visiting.
Incoming Clue Alert; We have reached our limit on Retail Store Owners who claim their LOW, LOW Prices are due to their Mental illness. Thank You.
HGTV (Home And Garden Television) is showing the Rose Bowl Parade? What, afterwards they gonna teach us to grow our own Flowers to add to our own Home-Made float?
Or is it another case of CourtTV-Itis, where the owners discover that they're appealing to too narrow a Fan Base and just start putting random "popular" crap on in a fit of panic?
From our Ah, The Wonders Of Technology file; Playboy will soon be offering a service where Cell Phone Users can download Pin-Ups to view. Yeah, people in traffic yakking on these things aren't enough of a hazard. People driving while playing games or downloading Uncle Kracker Ring Tones ain't bad enough. Now we have to bob and weave around idiots jerking off while fishing for change on the Tollway.
Oh, and Playboy; "Pin-Ups?". What, porn is supposed to be more Family-Friendly or something when we give it a Quaint Little Name?
All these "Wackiest Stories Of The Year" lists that people always do at this time of year; Do they actually keep track of all this crapola all year, or is there a service you subscribe to, or is it actually in some poor slob's job description to do Internet Searches for stuff like "Objects Being Used For "Other" Purposes"?
Kung Pow; Enter The Fist, while obviously from the "We Downloaded A Warez Copy Of A Screenplay Writing Program While "Naked Gun" Was On TV Movie School, *does* get one Brownie Point for making us laugh at the scene where Our Hero gets a Piledriver from a Cow. How much you wanna bet some PETA Goof is already up in arms about a Martial Art Fight involving an Animal?
Nothing wakes up a sleepy Newsgroup or Message Board like a story about the lousy service you received at a Radio Shack/Best Buy/Circuit City. The best posts are from ex-employees of these places, telling stories about Managers who took their jobs *way* too seriously.
Learn from our Mistake; "The Worst Place You Ever Got A Pimple" isn't the best Christmas Dinner conversation.
Note to people writing articles about On-Line Retailing; Everyone knows by now how EBay got started, thanks. It makes you look a bit Geek-ish when you bring it up like it's some sort of State Secret you just smuggled out of some Bunker.
New Honest-To-God-Real Japanese PS2 Game; "Seigi no Mikata", which puts you into the Primary Colored Boots of a Power Ranger-like character, and sets you in battles against a legion of Increasingly Ridiculous-Looking Bad Guys. The "hook" is that this all takes place on a Kiddie TV Show, and you have to make the battles flashy enough to keep the ratings up. Ya know, whatever happened to all the Japanese Tetris puzzle games with the nude girls as background art?
OJ Simpson hosted a Hip-Hop Concert this past week, with the promoters hoping his, uh, Popularity would draw in the crowds. Unfortunately, only about a hundred folks bought tickets, prompting the promoters to cancel the show. Don't worry, fellas, looks like Osama's gonna be looking for a new job pretty soon, and Osama Bin Laden kinda sounds like a Rap Name, anyways.
And we'd like to thank all the News Agencies for running stories and commentary every 5 minutes on how they hope no one does any Terrorist Attacks during the New Year's Eve Festivities. Nah, no one get's their ideas off of the TV any more...
"It's Cajun/New Orleans Style!" :Translation: "It's loaded with Cayenne Pepper, it's a bit burnt, and there's a pile of rice served with it that we're claiming is Jambalaya.".
Balthayzr is a Ghetto Superstar. It says so right on his Business Cards.