|December 17th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Lots of Retailing Bitching as a result of having several relatives who are in that line of Work, and are more than happy to supply Material; The Sci-Fi Channel gets sold to people who might actually have a clue about what Science Fiction actually is; and rumors that Regis might be giving his Final Answer.
Signs That We, As A Civilization, Are Doomed; While walking by a local Mall Theatre, which was advertising Ocean's Eleven with the space-saving Moniker Oceans 11, we actually heard someone wonder out loud to his friend what Ocean's Two was about...
Just in case your Own Personal Hell isn't *quite* warm enough for you; The Smurf Name Generator, where you can discover your very own personal Smurf Name! Eesh, we realize it's a gag and all, but can't we just let those damn little things die before someone makes a Tentacle Rape Anime about them?
The most fun things about Video and Computer Games is it being 3 Days before the release of the Game you've been salivating over for months, and suddenly you see all the Shopping Web Sites listing the "Release Date" as 2 *months* from now...
In other words, THQ, we want our WWF RAW XBox game, and we want it now, dammit!
And NBC will attempt to steal viewers away from the Super Bowl this coming February with a special Fear Factor featuring Playboy Playmates, shown at Halftime. So far, the only "event" hinted at (read; the only one their agents have agreed to) is one in which water is involved, according to an NBC Spokesperson. Gee, think they're hoping horny males conclude it's a "Who Can Stay In This Damp T-Shirt The Longest While Standing Out In The Cold" Event?
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is rumored to be close to cancellation, due to failing ratings. Couldn't have anything to do with the fact that it was on about 15 times a week, could it? Hell, we like pizza, but we don't want to eat it 15 times a friggin' week...
Howard Lutnick, who is Chairman of the bond firm Cantor Fitzgerald, will be penning a book about how his poor company struggled to survive after losing 3/4 of it's employees in the World Trade Center attack. We're sure there'll be a few lengthy chapters explaining why this firm cut off Benefits to the victims' families mere days after having a Press Conference where they promised not to, and only reinstated them after several TV News Programs confronted them about it. And we're sure the fact that the profits from this book are going to the victims' families is just a coincidence, as well. See, this is what's known as "Too Little, Too Late", Howie.
From our People With *Way* Too Much Time On Their Hands File; Grace Episcopal Church, then click on the Warped Toys Link. Nice to know all the starving and poor in their parish are all taken care of, and all the heathens have been converted, so these nuts can do lots of research on "Objectionable Toys". And we're sure it has *nothing* to do with getting their mugs in the paper and on TV when they announce this little list.
By the by; Consider that page our Christmas Wish List, in case you were looking for last-minute Gift Ideas.
Signs That We, As A Civilization, Are Doomed; This month saw the release of both an N'SYNC and a Sea Monkeys Video Game.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In the year 2011, Congress votes to apply the Death Penalty to people who completely destroy Store Merchandise Displays in an attempt to find one piece they like more than it's other 300 exact copies, then complain bitterly that the Help is busy cleaning up their mess instead of sitting behind the counter patiently waiting to ring up their purchases. Amazingly enough, none of the established Death Penalty Opponents will raise a peep in protest.
Tom Green and Drew Barrymore are getting divorced after only 6 months, due to "Irreconcilable Differences". Translated from Hollywood-ese, we're guessing this means they managed to creep each other out of existance, or that they finally discovered that being a Celebrity Oddball does not necessarily mean that the sex is anything to write home about...
Note to "Webmasters"; An article bragging about how many people have signed up for your "newsletter", is not "News".
Our favorite "Computer Experts" are the ones that say you don't need an Anti-Virus Program if "You're Careful and never open attachments". Folks, unless you're running a TRS-80, it doesn't necessarily hurt anything to run a Virus Hunter on your computer, and it's easier to buy one and install it that to try to clean up the mess a Virus left later (Incoming Clue Alert; hard to install and run a Virus Hunter after-the-fact when the virus has made such a wreck of your system that it won't let you boot your computer...) And all the people in your Outlook/Outlook Express Address Book will thank you, as well.
So, if we're to believe the TV Commercials, a Radeon Video Card is so advanced, it will allow horses in our Computer Games to kick their Poop in our faces? And this is a good thing, why?
Another Thing We're Getting A Little Tired Of Finding In Our Email; Those damned "Friendship Letters". For those unfamiliar with these little slices of Hell, these things are some cutesy little Poem, usually accompanied by an equally vomit-inducing piece of Artwork, which encourage you to forward this bundle to all your friends to prove to them What A True Friend You Are. The most sadistic senders even ask you to "Send it back to me, show me you're a True Friend!". No, we prove to people that they're our True Friend by not loading up their Inboxes with crapola like this in the first place, thank you very much.
And Vivendi Media has supposedly finalized the Purchase of the USA/Sci-Fi Channel package. Interesting thing about this is that, before going on a Media Company Purchasing Spree, Vivendi was reportedly a Water Treatment company. Which makes them perfect people to purchase these channels, seeing as they've had experience with treating Sewerage...
Incoming Clue Alert; They have no sense of humor over at Toys For Tots. So don't try wandering over and asking how many Kids you'd have to turn in to get a Nintendo Gamecube. Take it from someone who's tried.
Comic Strip Punchlines that we don't need to see ever again, as we've had plenty this year; Christmas gags about Untangling lights, and wracking brains trying to figure out who all these goofs on your Christmas Card List are. But, at least they took it easy on the "Fruitcake ain't meant to be eaten" bits...
The best thing about it being this close to Christmas is watching all the Public Domain Movie Companies pump out all this crapola on Video and DVD in an attempt to snag desperate shoppers. Yeah, the "Director's Cut" of 7 Kung Fu Brothers Fight Like Demons - Starring Bruce Llei! will surely be as welcome a gift as that Britney Spears CD you're having trouble finding.
So, Mullah Mohammed Omar and Osama have taken to their heels, after saying they and their Glorious Martyr Taliban Army would stand and fight to the Death. Special International Incoming Clue Alert; If your Leader is off hiding in a fortified Cave, all safe and warm and dry while going on about Death Before Surrender, and then runs like a sissy boy the first chance an Opening occurs, leaving you and your buddies behind to Face The Music, you *might* wanna rethink the whole Jihad-As-Career option.
Speaking of Ocean's Eleven; The thing we like best about these Remakes of classic films is when TNT or AMC take it upon themselves to show the Original Films around the release date of the remake, thus making it easier for us to compare and see what Complete Unnecessary Bankrupt-Of-Any-Sense-Of-Fun Loads these remakes truly are.
You know, as good as this Lord Of The Rings movie looks, we're still disappointed by their decision to not use any of the musical numbers from Rankin-Bass' fine version of Return Of The King. C'mon, how's that Orc Army gonna scare their Enemies shitless without a stirring rendition of "Where There's A Whip, There's A Way"?
Another in our series of Schizotrichia Christmas Gift Suggestions; Never, ever buy a woman anything that Vibrates, especially if you plan on giving it to her in front of Family and/or Friends.
Wanna know yet another reason for the Dot.Com crash? A crappy business plan is still a crappy business plan even if you put "E-" and "Cyber" and "Virtual" in front of half the words in it.
Is there anyone in the USA who is actually buying and playing any of these Soccer Video Games?
Here's a helpful hint to aid you in getting that Big Job or Promotion; Learn what a damn Period is for. A memo that basically goes "We had a good day we sold a lot of stuff good job you guys keep it up we're almost at quota" isn't going to find it's way into a Personnel Folder with the Notation "Let's watch this person, I predict Big Things in his Future.".
Stuck for some light Dinner Conversation this Christmas? We've always had good luck opening with discussing the most Uncomfortable Place we've ever gotten a Pimple.
You know what really doesn't help the poor folks in Retail this time of year? Calling them during the busiest time of the day and asking if they have in stock any of "Those Vases, you know, they were on sale a month or so ago. You know the ones I'm talking about, can you go and look for them?".
Balthayzr just wants to see if he can recreate his George "The SpineSnapper" Kennedy wrestler in XBox RAW, that's all.