Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

January 7th, 2002

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A Random Xmas

January 14th, 2002

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Jack Black+Undies=Lost Dinners, we steal an idea From "Language Lessons", and TV Networks discover that, while you can't televise Executions, you can show Torture as long as you pay the victims' Travel Expenses.

And it's come to this; The Chamber, a delightful Fox show where people are strapped into some sort of Sex Chair and put into, yes, a Chamber, where they are exposed to various extremely uncomfortable elements for cash. In other words, They're physically torturing people for the amusement of a Television Network Audience. We understand several lions have already done readings for the upcoming Gladiator Edition...

Between this and Fear Factor, we think we've Officially lost the right to make fun of Wacky Japanese Game Shows.

Remember, it's not a "Crappy Picture" on a DVD. It's "Artifacting". Keep this in mind so the Digital Media Geeks don't end up snickering at you.

And it's only been a day, and we've already heard *quite* enough "Bush is too dumb to chew and breathe at the same time" jokes, thanks.

We did not, in any way, need to *ever* see Jack Black in his undies. Not even for a few seconds in a movie trailer.

Did we not make ourselves clear? EVER.

Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "I think the artistic expression of diversity would supersede any concern over factual correctness" - Kevin James, Member of the Vulcan Society (an African-American Fireman's Group). His statement was a reaction to the decision made about the Statue commemorating the firemen who died at the WTC. The statue, based on the famous picture by Tom Franklin of 3 caucasian firemen raising the American Flag over the wreckage, portray instead 3 firemen of Differing races. Now, we're all for representing everyone equally, but does the quote actually say that it's Ok to change history if the Facts don't jibe with your view of how things should look?

And while we don't give a damn about Michael Jordan's divorce, we must say we were amused by the statement in the Divorce Decree where his wife asks for Support because she's somehow incapable of fending for herself. She's supposedly getting Half of everything Jordan owns, and she still "needs" Child Support? What, do the kids need a daily injection of Americium Dioxide or something?

Yes, we know that stuff is highly radioactive and, thus, Deadly. What, are you the type of person who listens to someone tell a joke and asks "And then what happened?".

Judging by the catty comments we hear whenever women see other women, all female humans are normally Brunettes with Flat Chests. Because any woman deviating from this Norm is the subject of "Bad Dye Job" and "Those Aren't Real, You Know" Editorial Comments...

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Set-Top Box that finally captures the hearts and wallets of the American People will be the one that automatically blocks any movie or program that's been re-run by any cable network more than 3 times in any given 24-hour period.

Should we be concerned that, whenever America has had one of these "Wars" lately, we seem to lose as many people to accidents as we do to the actual War?

And imagine going off to War, and never even making it to the Bullet With Your Name On It because some goofus mis-judges the runway and plows into a hillside. Doesn't make a very stirring story to tell the Grandkids on the day you stumble across the deceased's Purple Heart or whatever award you get for this while cleaning out the closets...

The yelling of "WHAT?" by the audience on WWF RAW has officially gone from Wrestling Catchphrase to "Let's see how we can piss off the wrestlers and get on TV now that we can't use our Lazer Pointers any more.".

Exactly where did the American Music Awards dig up Jenny McCarthy? What, was her schedule open because Wednesdays are slow over at the Mud Wrestling place?

We wonder how many folks outside the Celebrity Nude Picture Collecting crowd had to be reminded of just what her Claim To Fame is...

We were gonna do a bit here on how Puddy's "Tick" acted and sounded *nothing* like his "Buzz Lightyear", but, seeing as how The Tick has just been shit-canned by Fox for the second time in the character's life, we decided it would be just a bit cruel.

What's a worse name to have attached to you for the rest of your life; "Puddy", or "Shoe-Bomb"?

We're absolutely sure that Tech Support people and others who put you on Hold actually sit and listen to you grumble and sing along with the On-Hold Music. "Recorded for Quality Assurance", our Ass, they're recorded for the Christmas Party.

And the death-watch for 22 minutes With Eleanor Riggs, or whatever the hell they're calling Julia Louis-Dreyfus and her Husband's new TV series this week, begins... Now. Place yer bets, folks.

The Coleman Cart-Cat. Supposedly this device that acts as a Heater in a Golf Cart. Ever think that, if it's too cold to sit in the damn cart, it's too cold to play the Damn Game?

There really needs to be a rulebook for the "Slug-Bug" game, where you punch the person with you in the car after spotting a VW Beetle, gleefully yelling "SLUG-BUG" as you do so. For instance, do Bugs sitting in VW Dealer Lots count? If you pass a Bug, how long until this same Bug can be "counted" again?

We also need to come up with a proper name for this pastime, as we keep getting odd looks when we refer to it as "Slug-Buggery" for some reason.

Have we mentioned that we don't need to see Jack Black in his Fruit-Of-The Looms, ever? Because it can NOT be stressed enough.

Difference Between Men And Women, Number 1,593,221; A woman can walk over to a man on the toilet, and tell him he's stinking up the house without fear of reprisal. However we, in no way, suggest any of you men out there try to do this to your Significant Others.

A Moment Of Silence for Dave Thomas, founder and dead-pan Spokesman for the Wendy's hamburger chain, who died of Liver Cancer. Watch for Dave's image to become the Mascot of Vegans everywhere as they proclaim this as proof that Meat Is Bad For You.

Note to Marty on TechTV's The Screen Savers; You are now the guy in charge of finding Wacky Web Sites to rank on. Remember the sad fate of the last person who filled this position. In other words, use some of that free computer time to punch up your resume.

And we see absolutely no connection to Al Gore announcing his interest in a 2004 Presidential Run, and Joe "What are my beliefs again, Mr. Gore?" Lieberman deciding to visit the Troops accompanied by slews of cameras. Nope. None at all.

Ah, the Discovery Channel and it's various bastard children. The Video Equivalent of subscribing to Scientific American and leaving it sitting on your coffee table so people think you're Smart, without all the trouble of trying to figure out just how to pronounce all those Big Words.

Balthayzr is taking back the Brownie Point he gave to Kung Pow because they did one of those damn "Bullet Time" Matrix gags.

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