|January 21st, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Dude, you could've gotten a Real Job, we actually stoop to making a Poop Joke, and we become the last site on the Internet to do some type of Enron Bit.
One positive thing about Warez and MP3s; You end up learning a lot of Russian, and various Oriental languages, off the various web pages they're on. And isn't that what all the schools are pushing nowadays, learning another language?
Unfortunately, we don't know *quite* enough Russian to get the full effect of this little gem; Hitler Vs. Stalin. The opening panel alone makes for a lovely Desktop Wallpaper image.
Here's a helpful hint for those of you working at K-Mart; Start visiting your local Wal-marts and Targets to see if they're hiring. Because K-mart's going off to play in Retail Store heaven with Zayre and Venture, which it deserves for basing it's ecomony on Martha "Stool Samples Make For Fun Novelty Paperweights" Stewart.
And if the news that Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall reforming the NWO in the WWF wasn't enough, now we get the news that Raven wants to re-do his Flock angle from ECW-WCW. Uh huh. Think Stephanie McMahon could get her head out of Triple H's lap long enough to maybe put together something ORIGINAL? (Yep, there's a bit of trivia you can use for your next bar bet. Stephie writes all the TV Scripts).Doing the same crapola every week is the thing that killed WCW, kiddies.
Speaking of Originality, Spielberg has all but confirmed that Indiana Jones 4, starring Kate "Mrs. Spielberg" Capshaw and that guy that played Han Solo, will be going before the cameras soon. You think this is less about making an action movie starring an almost 60-year-old man, and more about Kate fussing about her "career"? Are we the only ones that picture the Spielberg's home life as something out of an I Love Lucy episode?
There are more than enough Joke religions on the 'Net, thank you very much. At least, there's only room for one more, and it'll be along as soon as we get the bugs worked out...
We do promise, however, to keep the idea-stealing from Discordia and the Church Of The Sub-Genius to a minimum. Which, just between you and us, *are* the bugs we're trying to work out.
From our How Does Saint Peter Keep A Straight Face file; An unconfirmed amount of people died in Goma, Congo when a gas station they were stealing fuel from exploded due to the lavaflow from the volcanoes that are erupting. Yeah, we can see how they thought nothing would happen to thousands of gallons of gas and diesel oil during a violent firestorm. You might want to get used to the feeling of being surrounded by lots of fire, kiddies.
Have we mentioned this week that we don't ever, EVER want to see Jack Black in his undies again?
Okay, think we, as a Civilization, have reached the point where we can have a "relaxed" atmosphere on a TV show without it being a license for the show's Crew to be yelling comments out to the Talent from behind the cameras.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In a last-ditch attempt to get the attention of the American People, the Heart Association will change it's name to the Put Down The God Damn Twinkies And Haul Your Carcass Of The Couch Once In A While Before Your Heart Explodes Association.
It seems Rush Limbaugh's operation was a success, restoring his hearing to almost-normal levels. Which we guess means the resident Wits Of The Internet can dust off their "Fat Nazi" commentaries again without fear that they'll be marked as hypocrites for making fun of a disabled person.
Note to IBM; You know, the secret to Dell's success hasn't a lot to do with the brain-damaged goofus on the commercials telling folks "Dude, you could've gotten a Dell". And even if it does, could you please dump your version of him from your ads before we wander down to IBM Headquarters with our trusty sniper rifle?
Speaking of; That goofus actually thinks he's an actor, and has been doing "readings" for parts out in Hollywood. This better not be leading to news of Dude, Where's My Car II; Where's My Microbus?, you hear?
Weep for a nation that has to put "Sorry, You're Not A Winner" notices inside those Specially Marked Packages so people won't waste valuable time and mental effort trying to figure out if they've won or not.
So, Enron announced that they've parted ways with Anderson. Kinda like someone announcing that they finally fixed that hole in the Titanic, so everything should be OK now.
The X-Files has finally been put to sleep after it's long, slow Implosion that started sometime around the release of the Movie. So sit back and enjoy the various interviews where the stars all blame each other for the show crashing. We're especially looking forward to Chris Carter saying he was about to stop doing the show anyway, so there.
And it seems New York has finally come up with what they think is a way to please everyone after the little "Let's Make the Statue honoring the Fallen WTC Fireman Politically Correct" fiasco, as detailed here last week. They've decided to put up No Statue at all, announcing that they'll honor the Fallen in some "other" way. May we suggest a plaque featuring a small child taking his bat and ball and going home?
A woman in East Sussex, finally tiring of 12 years of the local Jehovah's Witnesses coming to her door 4 times a week, got a small measure of vengeance against them by interrupting their Sunday Service, knocking on the door, walking in, and handing out magazines to the assembled people, until some spoil-sport called the Bobbies on her. Comment? Hell, no. We want her address so we can take up a collection to pay for her legal expenses.
And while it's a bit more gutsy than our habit of quoting to visiting Religion Pushers from our copy of the Satanic Bible, we ain't gonna be spending time in a British Courtroom, either.
Note to several Retail Companies we could name if we felt like getting sued; You might want to let a few days pass between announcements about what a Successful Christmas you had, sales-wise, and the announcement of all the Layoffs you're doing because of the Bad Economy.
One of the Concept cars GM recently showed was the Auto-Nomy, a car with Removable Bodies so you could, say, snap a Sports Car Frame onto it for the drive to work, then later snap a Van Body onto it so you can drive the kids to their soccer game. And while GM was impressing folks with speeches on how it'll save garage space because you only need One Car, they didn't tell us where the hell we're supposed to store all these extra Car Bodies...
Guess it was a little premature for the Chicago Bears to do that "update" of the Superbowl Shuffle, huh? More like another cover version of their hit Playoff Game Choke.
Speaking of MP3s; Hell is finally finding the MP3 of a favorite song, and watching it download at 57 bytes per second because it's hosted on someone's old TRS-80.
And then, 4 hours later, listening to it crack and hiss and cut off 30 seconds before the song's over...
Something we actually received as a belated Christmas gift; Wine Charms. Seems these things are little bracelet-style doo-dads you hang around the stem of a wine-glass so your guests can remember which glass they were drinking out of once they get thoroughly Snookered. Or something. Which we're taking as a hint that our guests don't want to drink wine out of our Hanna-Barbera Superstars Jelly Glasses any more.
Exactly what kind of Evil Genius decided that regular White Castle hamburgers weren't' enough of a belly-bomb, White Castle Jalapeno Cheeseburgers weren't enough to send you off to the toilet with several books from the Encyclopedia, oh no, they had to go and make White Castle Chile, which by Law should carry a warning about ingesting in any room that doesn't have Windows that can be opened.
From our Can We Stop This Retro Thing Now Before Someone Gets Hurt? file; It has been announced that Adult-Sized Underoos will soon be gracing finer Department Store Shelves Everywhere. We're sure there's a very good, non-sexplay reason why a grown man would want to wear a set of Undies colored to look like Batman's costume. And we're not 100% sure whether or not we wanna hear it.
While we're on the subject, DC Comics has actually come out with Dark Knight 2, a sequel to the Frank Miller mini-series done a few years back about a middle-aged Bruce Wayne coming out of retirement one last time. Why the hell not, it woke up the Comic Book world way back when, maybe it'll bring back all those people who got burned collecting all those "18 different Foil-embossed covers, with 40 different Hologram Collectable cards inside!" issues back in the 80's...
Balthayzr never wore Underoos, as they clashed with his GarAnimals.