|February 11th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We manage to scrape one more Truth bit from the barrel's bottom, lament the Passing of one of Comicdom's Greats, and share commentary we thought up during the Movie Previews while lamenting the fact that we'd already finished all our snacks before the film started.
Note to Bleeding-Heart Celebs; Just because a person has The Soul Of A Poet, doesn't mean they're Not Guilty and should Get Out Of Jail Free. Hell, John Wayne Gacy used to turn out some pretty decent paintings...
Mall Walking is *not* a Sport. And we'd like to ask all the world's malls to stop posting signs in the Mall trying to convince people that it is one.
Although, we admire the intelligence of the people who do this, exercising in a climate controlled Mall, as opposed to the people we see jogging in the rain and snow and sub-zero temperatures.
Note to the WWF; Steve Austin's gimmick, where he restates and reiterates his points over and over every time the audience chants "WHAT?", kinda makes him sound like a Redneck Mojo Jojo.
And, as much as we get a kick out of Mojo, that ain't a Good Thing.
Note to the Stacker2 people; Is this really the image you want to project in your commercials? That your customers are a bunch of Mobsters who get their supply of your product by hijacking Trucks?
We Were Soldiers, or Mel Gibson Says; Hey, If Hanks And Spielberg Can Pass Themselves Off As A WWII Experts, So Can I. Are You Watching, Oscar Committee?.
So, how long till we see "Elaine", "Kramer" and "George" basically give up and get together to do some sort of After Seinfeld-like show? We say about a year.
What, exactly, is a "Greatest Hits" album? Is it further milking the cash cow, or is it admitting that the person/group in question hasn't exactly been burning up the charts with their latest releases, and this is a sort-of desperate attempt to generate some sales?
Wrestling Rule #227; Any pregnant woman, whether a Wrestler, Valet, or Manager, will suffer some sort of accident and have a miscarriage.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2009, The Truth, or Infect Truth, or whatever it will be called at this point, will be revealed to be a Tool of the Big Tobacco Companies. Investigations will reveal that it was Created to 1) Make Anti-Tobacco zealots look like goofs, and 2) Make them so annoying that people would begin smoking out of Protest.
Note to Stephanie McMahon; Jesus, where'd you buy those Breast Implants, Mr. Bulky?
From our Open Mouth, Insert Typo file; Niger Innis, the spokesman for the Congress on Racial Equality, was appearing on MSNBC recently, speaking on the Enron mess. Unfortunately, someone's finger slipped while typing his name in the caption, inserting a second "G" after the first. And while we were looking forward to the numerous Restitution Lawsuits resulting from this, please note that the man seems to be a Republican, meaning no one in the Racism Watchdog Camps is gonna give a rat's ass what happens to the guy.
Important Lesson here; Try not to give your child any name that's one letter away from something Embarrassing or Naughty.
And now, Lesson 12 in our Write Your Own Mildly Amusing Rant Column Course. Pencils Ready? Let's begin; Rumor has it that Stephen King has hung up his pencil and is quitting, albeit maybe temporarily, the writing biz, claiming he has had no new ideas in quite a while. Insert your comment here.
There was a bit of hoopla over the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, with the Powers That Be claiming that a ceremony that involved parading around the WTC American Flag was "Jingoistic" and might be a nasty show of Nationalism, thus going against the Olympic Philosophy of All Countries Coming Together In Peace And Love. Which begs the question; We're coming together in a Spirit of Peace and Love with a series of Competitive Sports? Some which are rather violent, and involve Body Contact? Hell, you want Peace and Love, let's just have a big-ass Tea Party...
And if Competitive Sports help foster this Peace And Love jazz, why are we trying to eliminate all Competitiveness from Children's Sporting Events?
Reports are the Hare Krishnas are going bankrupt, supposedly from payouts connected with a sex scandal. It probably wasn't a good idea to base your Income on zombies exchanging flowers in airports for donations, either.
Yeah, yeah, pretty weak. But sorry, it's a Law that, when you discuss Cults, you have to do a comment about Flower Sales In Airports. Some Union thing that we're not too clear on...
And a Moment Of Silence for John Buscema, who succumbed to Stomach Cancer recently. John was the Marvel Comics artist who drew about 80000 issues of Conan The Barbarian, whose popularity spawned a couple of Motion Pictures, which in turn helped advance the Career of Ahhhnold. But, we're sure he sent his Mother a card on her Birthday, so maybe he won't spend *too* much time in Purgatory.
XM Radio. Basically, Cable Radio that you pay 13 bucks a month for. And Like Cable, 70% of the stations have commercials. Uh huh. Yeah, we're running right out and blowing 400 bucks to have it installed in our car tomorrow...
And we notice one of the XM Radio Stations is MTV. And we're guessing they play Music, since you can't watch some JackAss cripple himself, or watch scantily-clad College Girls dance suggestively with each other in endless re-runs of Spring Break over the radio. Despite the fact that it seems to work on Howard Stern.
Sketcher's 4-Wheelers. In other words, they've re-invented the Roller-Skate, and are actually marketing it as something New and Fresh. We don't know whether to be completely insulted, or jealous that we didn't come up with the idea of repackaging and remarketing junk out of *our* attic before all these other guys did...
Sign That God Occasionally Punishes Us For No Good Reason Just To Keep Us In Line; A CD we recently saw advertised on TV, called the Broadway Kids. Yes, it's a large Choir of children, shouting along with popular Show Tunes, like stuff from "Oklahoma" and "South Pacific". We may be approaching that point in time where we'll have to reinstate Human Sacrifice, kiddies. And we're sure the Liner Notes off this CD will provide us with plenty of Starting Points.
Why do people bless sneezes, but you have to beg forgiveness for a Burp? They're both basically the Same Damn Thing. Or has Gallager or George Carlin already asked that question. Crap. Where'd we put that checkbook?
When, exactly, did The Learning Channel become the "Look At Our Collection Of Weird-Ass Videos" Channel?
Two words that, if they appear in the Introduction of any Video Game, Book, Movie, Anything, is a sure sign that you should turn and Run For The Exits; "...Until NOW.".
Note to the people putting this Crossroads movie out; Britney Spears can't even successfully lip-sync along with what supposedly are her own songs. What the hell made you think she could be a convincing Actress?
For anyone who thinks computers aren't Sentient or Self-Aware, you might want to drop over to our Bunker on a random Monday (The day we start shoveling the pile of crapola known as SCHIZOTRICHIA into recognizable piles for Uploading), and notice how it seems to be the day when our computer randomly develops some sort of Problem.
Balthayzr plans to spend most of this week in an XBox "WWF RAW" Haze. We must unlock ALL the Dudley Brothers Eyeglasses, dammit!