|February 18th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Actual Scientific Proof that a 90MPH Puck to the face can hurt, Georgia Smells Dead People, and Fox figures Fat Guys gorging themselves until they hurl in an Eating Contest is a lot less offensive than an Animated Alcoholic Robot.
Hug-A-Salesperson? This is either a So-So gag, or this was put together by the type of person that makes you take the Cute Puppies Mousepad out of your workspace because it's somehow hurting Office Morale and Productivity.
Want Proof of that assertion? The web site actually has a Mission Statement that sounds like it came right off a Dilbert Coffee Mug.
The Fox Network is reportedly a little gunshy about Ordering new episodes of Futurama for the 2003-2004 season. Seems they don't want to order more episodes of a show that gets pre-empted by Football and such more often than not. And we can see their point, because it's not like they could, say, MOVE THE DAMN SHOW TO ANOTHER DAY OR TIME.
Incoming Clue Alert, Fox; Looks like the X-Files won't be needing it's timeslot anymore come this May. The Tick ain't using his anymore. Undeclared just died on the vine. We being too subtle here?
The worst wrestling angles are the ones where the wrestlers "break character" and tell us that, while Wrestling Is Fake, What Just Happened Is Real.
Oh, for Pete's sake. Can we just shut up about the Tragedies that the Olympic Performer we're watching suffered, already? What, when you try out for the Olympics, do you have to submit a Thesis on "How My Life Sucks, And How An Olympic Gold Medal Will Make It ALLLL Better"?
Actual Spam we received this week; "Hot, wet and Bothered girls want YOU!" Bothered? What's that supposed to mean? We supposed to be turned on by pictures of sweaty, slightly annoyed women?
Yes, we all know how amusing it is when something is Translated from Japanese to English by someone who just doesn't speak English well. And we really don't need any more web-sites dedicated to this brain damage, thank you. "All your base" came and left a long time ago...
It seems the Greatest Achievement Of Mankind's gonna end up being finding a way to take everything that's Free and finding a way to charge a monthly fee for it. And while we're surely not against Capitalism, we're against the fact that the Quality never seems to improve when the Price Tag goes on. Have you *ever* heard someone say that the girls on a Porn site got prettier since they started charging, or that any Web Site got funnier or had less coding errors the day they made arrangements with PayPal? Is Ice Ice Baby or those kids doing cover versions of ABBA songs less likely to make us dig out the Sniper Rifle just because they're on XM Radio?
Anyone else surprised that it took this long to discover a Crematorium that was dumping the bodies out back, thus the ashes in that Urn weren't 100% The Remains Of The Dearly Departed? It's like someone just discovering that bars water down the beer on 25¢ Draft Day.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2095, being the last remaining Activity that hasn't been made an Olympic Event, Olympic Freestyle Olympic Torch Carrying will be added to the Roster.
Speaking of the Olympics (And we were, if for no other reason that to pad out the logs with Site Hits), seems the Olympic Committee has come up with a new "Tamper-Proof" Skating scoring system. Try to follow along here; Instead of getting a basic score, Skaters would start at Zero and would be given a designated number of points for every element they complete. Also, instead of 9 Judges, there would be 14, with 7 of the scores being randomly tossed out by Computer. Then there's some stuff here about Cube Roots, Thetans, and Miss Cleo that we really don't understand too well. So, how long until some crybaby claims he lost because the computer tossed out his best scores, and we just give up and give everyone who shows up a Gold Medal?
Remember the Good Old Days, when East German women showed up at the Olympics with builds like Ahhnold, and the Eastern Bloc Country Judges gave the rest of the World 0.1 scores, and people didn't whine too much about it because, back then, people who whined and cried about Losing were considered worse for the image of Sports than the cheaters?
And reports are that Michael Jackson's pet charity, Heal The World (You know, the one he was busy with and thus had no time for any WTC charity events), has folded, and what little cash it took in went the way of most cash given to Big Charities; gone to pay for Management and Overhead, and the leftover money that was earmarked for donation to Actual Charities somehow Misplaced. The lesson here being that not a lot of people are going to give to a Children's Charity headed up by Mr. Jackson, mainly because most folks are uncomfortable using "Children" and "Michael Jackson" in the same sentence.
Insert your own "The rising costs of Plastic Surgery" bit here.
So, Joan Collins has married again. To a man 30 years her junior. Uh huh. Did we mention some crematorium was dumping bodies and thus the Ashes given to the families weren't the Actual Ashes of the deceased?
To this day, the most frightening thing we've encountered is an Acquaintance with access to our phone number announcing that he's just purchased an E-Machine.
Note to Cartoon Network; Balto II was shown on your channel February 16th. It goes on sale February 19th. Are we to assume from this that you, and Universal, think the entire audience of Cartoon Network has no idea what the "RECORD" button on a VCR is for?
Speedvision, the cable channel dedicated to Vehicles That Go Fast And Hopefully Loft Into A Crowd, Preferably Near A Camera, has changed it's name to SpeedChannel. Thanks, that clears everything right up.
Hart's War, or No, It's Not "Hogan's Heroes"! Stop Saying That Before The Oscar People Hear You!
Supercrew? Matrix? We finally run out of Animal and Fake Spanish Word names for vehicles?
Know what the Xbox really needs? A Football Game.
Please, God, tell us we didn't, in one evening, see commercials for WWF Fear Factor, and, on Fox, Glutton Bowl, where Husky Men see which one of them can force down the most Twinkies and Mayo before the Infarctions start. Remember when SCTV used to do sketches like this, and it was Funny because we thought No Way was crapola like this ever gonna really get on the Air?
From our How Low Can Your IQ Go Before Bodily Functions Cease? file; A local gym, while doing a weekly cleaning of it's lockers, discovered a Gym Bag full of cash. 100,000 bucks to be exact. A week later, a man shows up demanding his money be returned to him. Which in of itself isn't *too* dumb. The dumb part comes from 1) The man refusing to give his name, and not understanding why a bag full of cash wouldn't be handed to the first Nameless Guy to stroll in the door, 2) The man claiming that he needed to carry around that much cash for his business, and it was no one's concern, especially the Police that were holding the found cash, what that "business" was, and 3) The assertion that he was going to sue the Police for not giving him his cash back, not realizing that, in the course of a lawsuit, he's gonna have to tell the lawyers and the judge and such his name and where the cash came from...
By the by, we've already placed our bets that, when it goes to trial, he's going to claim he was Holding It For A Friend, and all the information hiding was because he doesn't Ask Questions and/or didn't want to Get Involved.
A recent Fully Funded Study has shown that Hockey Players who wear protective masks are much less likely to suffer Facial Injuries than those who do not. Now, besides the obvious joke about these types of studies, we have to ask; What brave souls volunteered to be the Control Group in this little experiment?
The nicest thing about WWF RAW appearing in your hometown is that you actually understand some of the local In-Jokes people put on their signs. Enjoy, no. Understand, yes.
Balthayzr is the Official Complete Load of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games.