|February 25th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: What, TNN crapola AGAIN?, more stuff that came to us while we were padding out the column with RAW on the TV, and a Super Genius makes his last Acme Order.
Note to TNN; Nice try, doing commercials for The Godfather movies in an attempt to make them "Pop" or whatever, by making them look like an audience participation thing like Rocky Horror, with the teenage crowd shouting out lines and such.
How about showing an audience participation moment during, say, the scene where Sonny gets whacked at the Tollbooth? Or the attempted Hit on the Godfather?
Second note to TNN; Is it really necessary to put a "Violence" tag on the Parental Advisory bug at the beginning of RAW? Or is this for the couple of folks in the World who might be shocked to fond out this isn't Thumb Wrestling, or a Spirited Debate on Proust, or a Sushi Recipe Show?
Correction; Seems We Were Soldiers is a NAM movie, not a WWII movie as we stated before. And this is actually a Good Thing, because 1) Spielberg and Hanks seem to have the WWII thing tied up, and 2) Everyone knows that NAM is more Oscar-Worth Subject Matter, anyhoo.
"Fox regrets to inform the public that we have Officially canceled Family Guy" :translation: "Fox regrets to inform the public that we have Officially canceled Family Guy, until we need it to patch the gaping holes in our schedule again caused by multiple series tanking at the same time.".
Ok, why, if the NWO is supposed to be the "poison" that will kill the WWF, are we supposed to be interested in buying their merchandise?
Remember, you are not a Responsible News Agency or Magazine until you've done an article questioning Bush's intelligence level. You must also imply that 9/11 was a "blessing" for him and his Agenda.
Now that Daniel Pearl, the kidnapped Wall Street Journal reporter, has been brutally murdered, can we call these idiots Bad Guys now? Or did we "purposely mistranslate" this video tape, as well?
But, at least we haven't seen *too* many nuts blaming it on some Jewish Conspiracy To Discredit These Peace-Loving People. Notice, however, that we didn't say *any*...
Our favorite news stories are "You know all the stuff we told you last week about What To Eat, What The Best Weight/Blood Pressure/Cholesterol Level Is, and How Long To Exercise For Best Results? They were All Wrong. Here are The Newest Studies outlining Completely Different Guidelines that you must follow, or die instantly.".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Within 2 years, the various Office Supply companies will begin marketing, after extensive testing, the greatest labor-saving device ever invented for the tech sector; A "Suing Microsoft For Dummies" kit that includes pre-filled out forms, the names of every Tech-Related company that's gone belly-up, phone numbers and addresses of Law Enforcement Officials and Judges that dislike Bill Gates, and a free One year subscription to AOL.
Is it wrong that the "Star Trek Action Theatre" spots on TNN, featuring cardboard cut-outs acting out various Next Generation scenes, are a bit more entertaining than the series was?
Must be strong...Must not...make...obvious "Less wooden acting" comment...
The thing we love the best about Election Time are the endless commercials by the Incumbents claiming that, if elected, they'll actually do their Job this time.
And no fair asking why they haven't been accomplishing any of these things during their present term in Office, instead of waiting to be re-elected.
We'd like to thank the putz that quit Paypal, took all the customers' credit card numbers, and attempted to charge the hell out of all of them, for setting Internet Commerce back about 10 years.
And a Moment of Silence for Chuck Jones, Warner Brothers Artist/Director, Bringer of the True Grinch, Master of the Animated Eyebrow Lift, and all around Super Genius, who passed on last week. It's nice to see your fans honoring your memory by yanking your Memorabilia off of EBay, and putting it back on a day later at a 4000% Mark-Up.
Want to know a great way to honor his memory, and the memory of all your other Hard Workers, Warner Bros? How about releasing ALL of the old "Termite Terrace" WB Cartoons on DVD? Uncut. Even the objectionable ones like "Coal Black" and "Bugs Bunny Nips The Nips". C'mon, these cartoons were made for Intelligent Grown-Ups, for Pete's Sake. If Spike Lee can do Bamboozled, surely we can be allowed to see a few Dice/Watermelon/"Jap" cartoons from 50 years ago.
Disney's next few releases include Jungle Book II, with Baloo the Bear voiced by John "Generic Big Lug" Goodman (Think they're gonna explain why Baloo's voice is now about an octave higher?), and Dumbo II, which were betting is going to contain at least 1 "Flying Elephant Poop" joke. So, once they eat through the Classic Animated Movies, what's next for the Sequel Machine? That Darnder Cat? The Computer Now Wears Cross-Trainers? Digby Goes To Japan?
Maybe it'll keep them too busy to do a Sled Dogs Sequel/Animated Series. By which time we hope Cuba Gooding Jr. has found himself an agent who doesn't automatically assume any Kid's Movie involving Disney is Good.
"We are considering withdrawing from this, and Future Olympics, for we feel we receive No Respect" - Russian Olympic PR Droid : translation: "What's all this crap about having to follow rules?"
A member of N'Sync is getting a spot on one of those Russian Space Missions. So, when did the Russian version of NASA become the Bored Rich Guy Amusement Park? They're short of cash, sure, but they do this and then complain about Lack Of Respect?
You know, Boy Band Members In Dangerous Situations would make for a fine FOX Series, along the lines of Fear Factor. But without all those wussy Harnesses and Helmets and EMTs standing by.
And speaking of N'Sync *way* more than any person over the age of 15 should, seems they're NOT getting their little cameo in Star Wars Episode II; The Undersea Kingdom, due to all the complaints. And they're a bit miffed about it. Just remember this little reversal the next time you decide you're not going to go Vote because you feel your opinion won't make any difference.
So, how long until Microsoft gets sued because of the "Ah, SO" Racist Oriental Musical Riff on the commercial for Wreckless?
And no, we don't know the exact name of the song. You go type "Racist Oriental Music Riff" into a Search Engine and wade through the sea of Severe Cranial Damage it brings back.
Oh, God, could Vanilla Ice and Hammer just please be left alone to wither away in peace? OUR peace? We *still* have nightmares about those damn Parachute Pants...
News comes down that Microsoft has more or less given up on their Ultimate TV. And if your one of the 6 people who bought it, you already knew this. And if not, you most probably don't care. Why mention it? Because it's either this bit, or more about N'Sync, and we're starting to weird *ourselves* out...
Balthayzr believes in not only beating a dead horse, but beating it into the ground.