|July 8th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We thank our local Cable company for adding G4, so that we can pick on another cable station besides TNN, 1001 Uses For a Freeze-Dried Has Been, and 3l33t actually means Elite, in case you weren't paying attention in Computer class.
Steve Fossett, Official Goofy Rich Guy, has finally made his Dream Come True; being the first person to fly around the world in a balloon. Which maybe means that God decided, in His Wisdom, that this goof just wasn't gonna Go Away until he finished this little stunt, so He let him do it. So, that was your 15 minutes there, Stevey. Please go away now.
Note to all the idiots that call Talk Shows; See, this is Stevey's money. If he wants to blow it all flying balloons, that's His Business. If he wants to fold it into paper airplanes and fly the bills off of buildings, that's His Business. Not Yours. He's not obligated in any way to donate it to Your Favorite Charity, or cater a meal to all of New York's Homeless, or whatever your Pet Project is. Geez, it's not like he was hunting Pandas, or tossing Gas Bombs into the Rain Forest from that Flying RV of his...
Here's an idea; Instead of wasting all your time being the Resident Wit of your local Call-In Show, why not Get A Job, work hard, make lots of money, then *you* can go out and make sure all the Happy Little Bills go where you want them to go. Okay?
Sorry to go on about this, but we went to a catholic Grade School. Thus, for 8 years, all we heard is about how Children In Third World Countries were now doomed to die a slow, painful death, because we stopped at the store on the way home from school and bought a Charleston Chew instead of putting that quarter in the Poor Box. After almost a decade of hearing how The World's Problems were all our fault because we actually dared to spend our allowance on ourselves, you tend to get a little mouthy on the subject.
Best Game "Junket" that we heard about while reading one of 8 Million Columns on E3; Take 2 Interactive, which advertised it's First Person Shooters to the Game Press by putting reporters in a jeep, giving them guns, and allowing them to play Drive By Shooting with some junked vehicles. And we're sure the reporters, like us, remember how much fun they had on the Junket, but remember nothing about the game it was based on...
The next "Entertainment Reporter" who does any sort of story about Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake breaking up and feeling oh-so-bad about it, will be Hunted Down And Beaten. We clear about that? BEATEN.
It's gotten to the point that, when we hear Justin's name mentioned....We know who he is. And we find that...scary.
Note to the Morons holding up DX Signs at RAW; Stop that, before you give Vince the idea of doing a DX Vs. NWO angle.
So, this is what Vince McMahon thought was the Cause for RAW's Ratings Problems? That he wasn't on the show? And the "Obvious" Solution was to put himself back on it again? Of course, this is a guy who lost a Trademark Suit to a bunch of Tree-Hugging Hippies, so what the hell...
Reign Of Fire, or Look At All The "Dragonslayer" Models We Found! What Should We Do With Them?.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2063, Congress and the President create the Department Of Personal Dignity. This Department will send agents into the field, not to hunt down potential Terrorists, but to rid America of middle-aged women wearing midriff-bearing Spandex and Body Glitter, and Middle-aged men of Earrings, Pony Tails, and Dew Rags. This proves so popular that the President In Question manages to get an amendment added to the Constitution that allows him to serve 12 more terms just on the popularity of this act alone.
Remember last week, when we made fun of G4, The All Video Games Network, for only having 3 hours worth of Programming, re-run and re-re-run throughout a 24 hour day? We'd like to apologize for that remark, as it is in error. It seems like they make 3 hours worth of Programming per Week, and re-run it over and over throughout the next 7 days.
Note to Aspiring Newscasters out there; An area is not Destroyed by a Disaster, like a flood or fire. It is Devastated. This word also is handy for describing the Feelings of people who've just Experienced A Tragedy.
2600 Magazine, the 3l33t Haxxor Magazine that is, in fact, so 3l33t that you can pick up a copy at Border's, has given up their court battle. Meaning that they, or anyone else, cannot post the DeCSS "DVD Cracker" software, link to any page that contains said program, say any word that contains the letters D, E, C or S, or basically use the lame "Personal Back-Up" excuse for any program designed to make free copies of someone else's hard work.
Make sure you mention to friends and co-workers that EBay is in the process of purchasing PayPal. Even if you have no idea what either of these entities do, simply knowing this fact will make you look Tech-Savvy. Which you probably don't know the meaning of, either.
And a moment of silence for Director John Frankenheimer. who passed on last week at the age of 72. And we note that almost every Obit, whether on a newsgroup or on a Professional news site, makes mention of The Manchurian Candidate and The Birdman Of Alcatraz, but fail to mention that he was also responsible for Prophecy, in which an inside-out bear pretends to be a Vengeful Indian Spirit, and Dead-Bang, movie #3906 in the Cop-Seeks-Revenge-For-Gunned-Down-Pal Series. But, then again, most of the posts on Usenet about Johnny Boy seem to be film snobs crowing about how many times they've seen The Manchurian Candidate, so make of that what you will.
Poor Kevin Nash. 10 seconds into his match on RAW, after being on the Injured list for 3 months, he runs over to punch one of his opponents and blows out his left quadricep. And he wasn't even scheduled to wrestle on TV this week, seeing as how they had to have someone ship his wrestling attire up to Philly. Which, considering what Kev has done to the careers of many up-and-comers, has got to be some sort of proof that Karma actually exists.
Ah, yes, your coverage of E3 is just *so* witty because you go up to the Booth Babes and say inane things to them, you wit you.
Note to the Gaming Companies; In the future, you might look a little less foolish if you gave the Booth Babes a crash-course on the game they're representing, so that they can at least answer basic questions about it, instead of staring at the cameras like Deer In Headlights when asked "So, what system is this coming out for?".
So, nothing really happened Terrorist-wise on the 4th. Unless the Taliban were the ones who left the lid off of our Potato Salad so that it leaked all over our cooler. BASTARDS!
Baseball great Ted Williams passes on. And his son takes the body and has it Frozen, with the idea of selling the DNA to the highest bidders. And those screams you're hearing are Yoko Ono and the Elvis Presley Estate upset that this idea didn't cross their minds before the corpse in question got beyond their reach.
Isn't it a little sad that this goof is taking money-making ideas from the Ferengi on Star Trek; The Next Generation? (For non-geeks, they would freeze-dry Famous Personages of their race and sell the pieces as souvenirs. And yes, we're ashamed that we knew that.)
And note to people looking to blow their kid's inheritance on this cryogenics crap. They wait until you're DEAD before they freeze you. And your tissues suffer massive damage from the freezing temperatures of the Tanks. Meaning that, even if someday in the future they discover a cure for what killed you, your body is too far gone to cure and bring back. Look at it this way; We have antivenin for just about every snake under the sun. But, if you die from the snakebite, and your family cremates you, pumping gallons of the stuff into your ashes ain't gonna help one bit.
Any way we could tip the Earth over a bit so that the Texas Floods flow over into the various North American Wildfires?
The Running Of The Bulls. Is it really necessary to comment on a "sport" that consists of a bunch of drunken idiots letting a bunch of pissed-off Bulls loose in public, and then making them even *more* pissed off by teasing them? Didn't think so.
Note to Electronic Arts; "EA SPORTS BIG"? You guys pay a lot of money to some lucky research company for that name? Sounds like badly translated Japanese.
Schizotrichia Fun Fact; A lot of Corporations nowadays have snuck a new little rule into the Employee Handbooks. Seems you are NOT ALLOWED to post any sort of remarks about the company you work for to any Message Boards or Newsgroups, or you Will Be Fired. This means no telling the story about the customer who tried to switch tags on you at work, or how your boss never makes a fresh pot of coffee, or your co-worker who always tries to swipe your lunch. Because you're making the company look bad and somehow dragging down the stock prices. Or something.(Editor's note; It's actually because the various corporations have discovered, thru lawsuits, that they cannot control the content of these boards, either thru requests or intimidation. Thus, they prevent the employees from posting to them, in order to keep them from posting any embarrassing company secrets, or making it look like the employees don't spend the day Thanking God that He Put them here on earth to serve you.).
Note to Chris Nowinski, currently playing the Snooty Harvard Graduate on RAW; Is that a birthmark or scab on your pec, there, or were you drinking Shoe Polish and spilled some on yourself? You might wanna take some of that WWE Salary and get that taken care of, because there's people out there who ain't as polite as us about their What Is That Spot theories...
Not that we spend a lot of time Staring at men's chests. Not for a minute. We just stare at people's Deformities.
Balthayzr figures the stain is some of the shoe polish Hogan puts on his beard stubble.