|July 1st, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We buy tickets to The Socially Maladjusted But Otherwise Perfectly Fine Person Of The Opera, put wrong images into everyone's heads by mentioning Gary Coleman and Jamie Lee Curtis in the same column, and jam our way onto the rather crowded bandwagon of people ranking on Juwanna Mann.
A British touring Theatre company, Oddsocks Productions, has changed the name of their version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame to The Bellringer of Notre Dame to avoid offending the Handicapped. Proving once again that Yesterday's Punchlines are Today's News Stories, and we find that a bit unsettling, considering some of the crapola we've spouted over the years...
We're still not sure if we really believe that Old Navy tested those shorts on the surface of the sun.
Okay, think we've got *just* enough web sites that feature Wacky Stuff "Contributors" Have Made In Photoshop. Thank you for your Interest.
Scariest Headline we've ever read on Foxnews.com; Cher Will Not Go Away.
What's even Scarier; It's an Article about how her Farewell Tour, done with Cyndi Lauper, is so successful that it's going to extend beyond the original September Ending date, to sometime in December. Doesn't that violate some sort of Law? Please?
Speaking of Cher, we'd like to apologize to all 3 people who actually take time that could've been spent finding Cancer Cures or the like and spend it here. Seems a while back we made the smart-ass remark about us being way overdue for an Auntie Mame remake. And it seems Auntie Mame is the project Cher wants to do after her Farewell Tour is over. And we'd like to point out, in our own defense, that the "We're Overdue" remark wasn't in any way a Request. It was a Warning.
Steve Fossett, Rich Guy who is once again attempting to fly around the world in a Balloon despite repeated warnings from God, is once again in trouble as high winds have knocked his balloon off course. We think it's really High Time that God just obliterates this guy with a Lightning Bolt so He can get back to worrying about important things, like who wins Sporting Events and which Group has committed enough Despicable Acts in His Name to win Whatever Door Prize they believe God hands out...
The Who has made the difficult decision to continue touring, despite the death of their Bassist John Entwistle. Seriously, what did you expect? That they'd cancel their tours, refund millions in advance ticket sales, pay off multiple Breach Of Contract lawsuits? Next you'll be telling us that The Who is touring and putting together a new album out of Pure Love Of Performing For Their Fans, Nothing To Do With Filthy Lucre.
"The Movie enjoyed Modest Success..." :translation: "The Movie tanked, but we're not going to come out and admit it, because then you might not go out and buy the Special Edition DVD we contracted for.".
Uh, think we've had quite enough Gary Coleman Guest Shots, thank you very much. Joke's Over.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2037, Jamie Lee Curtis stars in yet another "Rebirth" of the Halloween Franchise, in which they attempt to explain why Jamie's character has aged to 79, yet is the Younger Sister of the 30-odd-year-old Michael, the Slasher.
We're Contractually Obligated at this point to mention how Kewl Doom III is going to be. We now return you to your Regularly Scheduled rantfest.
How To Make Friends Online, Part 455; Assume anyone who recommends any other Product besides your absolute Drooling Fanboy Favorite is a Corporate Shill sent in to your favorite Newsgroup/Message Board to whore his company's product. Respond to his every post with angry queries about When He's Gonna Come Clean And Admit His Evil Capitalist Ways. The denizens of the newsgroup will appreciate your efforts to support Freedom Of Choice.
And about the Atheist Guy who got the 9th Circuit Court in San Francisco to declare the Pledge Of Allegiance Unconstitutional in Schools; Know that the court has realized the Can Of Worms they've opened, and have delayed the order, much to the dismay of the Atheist Guy who filed the suit, whose school-age daughter by now has been brainwashed by the words "Under God" and has joined a Convent; and also know that we've heard every damn version of the "Money has the word "God" on it, you know" bit that's ever existed, thank you very much.
Jesse "The Bad Movie Of The Week" Ventura has announced that he won't be running for a second term, saying that "his heart just isn't in it anymore". We're pretty sure that his reasons actually are more likely 1) Being Jesse, the "Regular Guy Turned Governor", did not give him some sort of Magic Protection From The Press +5, meaning that the Newsfolk actually took him to task when he did or said something dumb, and 2) Despite all the wacky portrayals in various TV Shows and Movies, Politicians higher than Water Commissioner of Podunk tend to put in very long days, doing very boring work.
Note to Worldcom, Xerox, and the rest of you goofy companies hiding billions in expenses in an attempt to look like you're Showing a Profit; Did you not think at some point that someone, somewhere, was going to want to see, or better yet Use, these profits? It's not exactly like when Joe Blow writes a check on Thursday that he knows is for more than he has in his Bank Account, but will be covered when his Paycheck gets deposited on Friday.
The Postal Service has "Officially" blamed the Aftereffects of 9/11 for the Postal Rate Hike. Which, while tiresome, is a lot better than another lecture on how Email is almost like stealing from your local Post Office.
And a Moment Of Silence for Arthur Melin, founder of the Wham-O Company, which brought us such wonderful diversions such as the Frisbee and the Hula-Hoop. (Editor's Note; The rest of this item has been deleted, as it contained a really long, boring, borderline Old Man rant about the Good Old Days when kids played outside, and said "Sir" and "Ma'am" to people, and Knew The Value Of A Dollar, and the like.).
No one wants to hear your Wacky Fare Ideas That SouthWest Airlines Should Employ Besides The "Obese People Pay For 2 Seats" One.
Does anyone really care that Ann Landers' daughter and Dear Abby's daughter are having this little Snippy War over who's the Queen Of The Agony Columns?
Sign That Your Life Probably Hasn't Turned Out For The Best; If you've ever stayed up to all hours on the day that your cable company's promised to add new channels, checking over and over to see if they've become Active yet.
Because we didn't do that the day our Cable company added G4, the All Video Games Channel. Nope. Sure didn't.
And why were we not completely surprised to find out that it's another one of these cable channels with about 3 hours of Daily Programming, re-run over and over during the course of a 24-hour day? Because once you do Reviews, and Cheat Codes, and reruns of the 1983 Game Show Starcade, what else is there to really do about Video Games?
You're not a True News Agency unless you've done a "Hey, look at the WEIRDOS!"-type story about your city's Gay Pride Parade.
And we here at SCHIZOTRICHIA wish Bret "The Hitman" Hart a speedy recovery from the Stroke that Reports Say he suffered last week, caused by a bicycle accident where he hit a Pothole and basically landed on his head. Which is kinda ironic, seeing as how Bret retired from Professional Wrestling after doctors warned him that, due to his repeated concussions, he was in danger of Brain Damage if he kept Wrestling. Meaning not only did the Bullet Have His Name On It, but it also managed to get ahold of his Change Of Address Forms.
Yeah, "Reports Say". Meaning we read it in a newsgroup somewhere and were too damn lazy to go check it out to see if it's true or not, but we're not too lazy to cover our Ass with Weasel Words.
And it seems a Part-Time Firefighter has admitted to setting the Arizona Wildfires, claiming he wanted to insure that he had work this Summer. And some folks complain about People Today having no Work Ethic.
Juwanna Mann, or Look, It's A Guy Dressed As A Woman, AND He's A Jivey Black Character! It's Doubly Funny, Honest!.
We're also sure that this movie isn't meant to be an almost 2-hour Commercial for the WNBA At All, either.
Balthayzr knows that the Proper name of the slasher character in the Halloween movies is The Shape. He's just not too sure *why* he knows that.