Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

April 29th, 2002
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December 27th, 1999
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A Random Xmas

May 6th, 2002

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Whatcha gonna do when the Panda runs wild on you, a Trek-Geek idea that we're surprised took this long to happen, and we keep saying "kewl" until everyone gets tired of it and stops using it.

How, exactly, is spelling it "Ghey" any more or less offensive than spelling it "Gay" when applying it to something you don't like?

So, now, it's not the WWF any more, since Uncle Vince is tired of the World Wildlife Fund crawling up his ass every 5 minutes. It's now the WWE, for World Wrestling Entertainment. A change from WWFE, for World Wrestling Federation Entertainment, changed from WWF, which was changed from Titan Sports, which was changed from WWWF (World Wide Wrestling Federation). Hell with winning the Lotto, we want to open a Stationery Store down the street from where the WWWhatever's Home Office is, so we can get rich selling them new Letterhead every 6 months.

Wanna know what's *really* scary? We recited that Corporate Name History from Memory. Eep.

Wonder how long the Wrestlers and announcers had to rehearse so that they'd remember to say "WWE" instead of "WWF". From what we've seen, Not Long Enough.

"Get The "F" Out". Nice slogan for the "new" company, Vince. Anyone wanna take bets on how long it is before some school blames Student Rowdyness on T-shirts with this slogan plastered on them?

Sign That We, As A Civilization, Are Doomed; Star, advertised as the "First Star Trek-Themed ISP", which, if we're reading this right, basically means they put a Trek Skin on your Browser and promise "Unique Trek-Related Content", which we assume means you get Rumors about 3 days after Ain't-It-Cool News prints them...

Ooh, and it's the Only ISP that's been Approved By StarFleet Command! Why haven't we gotten our FREE Installation Disks yet?

Is there some Law that states that some TV Station not only has to dig up the 60's Batman series every couple of years, but they have to make some huge fuss over it like it's a Missing Book Of The Bible?

And give yourself a demerit if you've ever wondered what would happen if Bruce slid down Dick's Batpole.

Give yourself a second one if you're sitting there making penis/gay jokes about that last sentence. Because we didn't type it that way for a cheap joke AT ALL. Nope.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2009, a 80% downturn in the number of Arrests made by Police is found to be directly caused by the invention of the Unbreakable Auto Tail-Light. Arrests return to normal levels the following year when police remember that you don't have to supply any real proof that the person you pulled over was Speeding.


MTV's new Station, MTV Jams, will be replacing MTVX on all cable systems. Which kinda puts a crimp on our search on just what the hell MTVX was supposed to be. "Kewler" way to say MTV3? Only played Porn Music? Only plays "Alternative" Music, which no two people can agree on just what "Alternative" is?

Okay, one more WWF....uh, WWE comment; "New Look, Same Attitude"? All ya did was take a couple of lines out of that Kiddie-Scribble Logo of yours, Vince. 5 minutes of Photoshop-ery ain't a "New Look".

And yes, you are the first person on Earth to come up with "The Bubba Show" name when discussing Clinton and his supposed deal for a Talk Show, you wit, you.

Schizotrichia Helpful Hint; Beware of any repairman that trashes the product you've just brought in, and/or it's Manufacturer. Chances are he's already setting up an excuse on Why He Can't Fix It, And Why You Should Buy A New One From His Buddy.

Proof That Once In a While, When You Ask God To Give You A Sign, He Does; Phyllis Diller has Officially announced her retirement. Meaning we can probably look forward to her "Come-Back Tour" appearing in Vegas, what, around December?

Yes, people should be warned about the goofs putting Pipe-Bombs in rural mailboxes. However, it might not be a good idea to be doing minute-by-minute updates on this story, because it just encourages these mental dwarves. "Look, George, dey talkin' about us on dah TV again! Let's make more bombs so dey keep talking about us!".

If any of you get to Heaven before us, could you kindly ask God just what the hell he was thinking when he invented Post-Nasal Drip, and get back to us? Thanks.

Remember, you're not truly "kewl" unless you're lamenting the fact that even Jason X is out-performing Woody Allen's Hollywood Ending. Remember to use terms like "Jell-O for the Mind" when discussing movies that dare to just let you sit back and turn your brain off for a couple of fun hours. Ignore people who mention that Woody ain't been funny for decades, and how these movies just seem to be excuses to team him up with cute 20-something co-stars.

So now we're getting all these people saying that the World Trade Towers collapsed because they were designed wrong, or cheaply built, or the like. We're guessing someone finally explained to the families that it's hard to collect money from Bin Laben and the Taliban after you sue them, but a lot of people and companies that built the WTC are still around, and still have good-sized bank accounts.

And no, there's nothing wrong with you when a friend/relative breaks the news that he's got a Fatal Disease, or is Getting Divorced, or Got Fired, and you say to yourself "Thank God It's Not Me". It's called Being Human. What are you supposed to think in your Heart Of Hearts, "No Fair, how come he gets a Brain Tumor and I don't?"?

Remember, you're not truly a Respected Female Star unless you're rumored to be appearing sometime soon in the Vagina Monologues.

Schizotrichia Helpful Hint; When you post something on a Message Board or Newsgroup, and your post doesn't appear right away, wait a bit before making the same post again. Better to have the world wait a few extra hours for your Wit and Wisdom than for you to get blasted for Spamming because you got impatient and ended up making the same post 10 times, 6 minutes apart.

And why are you reading this when they're taking applications for Tough Enough III Right Now?

Yes, there's nothing we enjoy more than going to the movies in May 2002 and seeing previews for films coming out in August 2003...


Uh, so TNN goes from being The Nashville Network to being The National Network in an attempt to attract different viewers than the "rednecks" they appealed to before. So, explain their Saturday Night Line-Up; "Extreme" Rodeo, Monster Trucks, Robot Wars, and Pro Wrestling. C'mon, why not just bring back Hee Haw and be done with it?

People First Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; Anyone who's ever said "Save some for the Fish" to someone taking too long at the Water Fountain.

Balthayzr gave up watching MTV when they took the Tempest Machine out of the VJ Studio Set.

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