|April 1st, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Celebs die a lot more than is necessary this past week, TechTV takes another step towards becoming the 24-hour Screen Savers Channel, and Sony kidnaps people and forces them to kill Elves on their computers at gunpoint.
If we've said it once, we've said it a million times; please take with a grain of salt *any* news story with a April 1st date on it.
Note to J.R., one of the announcers on RAW; "Valedictorian Of Violence?". Oh, please.
So according to this article in the Online version of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, this mother is suing Sony and Verant because her Epileptic son spent 160 hours a week playing Everquest before he committed Suicide last Thanksgiving. Of course, she's only suing so that Sony will put warning labels on the game. Yes, we're sure *no* cash settlement is involved at ALL.
"Shawn was playing 12 hours a day, and he wasn't supposed to because he was epileptic, and the game would cause seizures," his mother is quoted as saying. "Probably the last eight times he had seizures were because of stints on the computer." Suppose *THIS* would have been a good time to step in and maybe STOP HIM, since you seem to care so much?
The article quotes a doctor who speaks about people that have "Addictive" personalities. Among the types prone to addictions; those who are "sexually anorexic". The hell is "sexually anorexic"? Someone who thinks they have too much sex and cuts themselves off?
Or is it a guy whose Member is unhealthfully Skinny, and thus is lousy in bed?
This article if full of all sorts of yuk-yuks like this. Doctors that treat people for On-Line games addiction. People who totally withdraw from life to play these things till Sleep Deprivation drives them into hysterics. Sony putting "something" in the game that purposefully makes it more addictive. For pete's sake, whatever happened to Self-Control? Why do we have to put a warning label on something that tells people not to Consume a given product at levels that will supposedly kill them (Warning; Overconsumption of the enclosed carrots will cause you to turn Orange)? And whatever happened to helping others? This ain't like sneaking off into another room for 5 minutes and smoking crack or downing a few glasses of hooch. This is staying glued to a computer for days at a time. If you care so much, why not catch them in the act and stop them sometime before they end up weighing several metric tons and becoming literal Hermits? Because there's no cash in it?
Does anyone really care about new M&M colors? It's not like they taste any different, or have less calories or something.
Besides, we're pretty sure the "winning" dye color is already sitting at the M&M's plant in huge vats, just waiting for midnite of the last voting day...
News from Cartoon Network is that they'll no longer be showing any Speedy Gonzalez cartoons, as the Fastest Mouse In All Mexico has been deemed a Cruel Racist Caricature. Of course, the funniest part of this story is that not only is Speedy still being shown on Cartoon Network Latin America, he's one of the most *popular* cartoons on the channel. Ya think it might be because this "Cruel Racist Caricature" is the Hero, and uses his speed and intelligence to outsmart the bad guys? What a terrible lesson to teach children!
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Success of Putting Easter Bunnies in the Malls, despite the fact that 90% of kids out there get nothing else for Easter besides new clothes and some candy, will spawn a cornucopia of other "Holiday Mascots" to lure families into America's Malls. Among the new Personas played by 18-year-olds getting Pizza-and-beer money; "Uncle Sam" for the 4th Of July, who will tell kids the best place to buy Illegal Fireworks; "The Great Pumpkin", for Halloween, who will take kid's requests to ask neighbors to stock specific sorts of Candy to hand out; and "Mom",for Mother's Day, who takes requests from Mothers to inform their kids that they don't need anymore Kitchen Appliances and Scented Candles, and besides they shouldn't be spending their money on us.
Beware on any film who, in their ads, features any Film Review Quote that calls the film in question "(Insert beloved classic film's name here) For A New Generation!!".
TechTV, as of today, has cancelled Silicon Spin and Audiofile. With the cancellation of Spin, that leaves poor John Dvorak with, what, only 841 jobs left in the Tech News Industry?
And we're assuming Audiofile got shit-canned because TechTV finally learned that people don't download MP3s to hear free promo songs from independent labels; they download MP3s to get the latest popular music for nothing. But, we suppose a 1/2 hour show about the latest goodies off of EDonkey and Morpheus would get them in a little bit of Legal trouble...
And part 3 of TechTV's Master Plan; Allowing us to watch Patrick and Leo watch Tech-Related Movies. Here's a little Stock Tip; If a network that you've invested in cancels a few shows, and starts showing crappy movies that they claim are related to the Channel's "Theme", it might be time to eat the Commission Fees and cash that stock in...
Another thing we've learned from watching Cops; Police never catch Bad Guys. They catch the friends of Bad Guys who were unfortunate enough to lend their cars to the Bad Guy and have him accidentally leave his drugs/guns hidden in the vehicle before returning it.
What the Hell was with the Grim Reaper this week? He go on Spring Break and come back to discover he was behind in his quotas, and just went out on this rampage to catch up?
A Moment Of Silence for the Queen Mum, who passed on over the Week-end. Reports say, as they do with all Elderly and Terminally Ill people, that she died "Peacefully In Her Sleep", which we suppose is a bit more comforting than "She died gasping for breath, flailing in horrible pain as her various bodily systems shut down.".
A Moment Of Silence for Milton "Uncle Miltie" Berle, the man probably more responsible for the early success of Television than anything else, if his Publicity folk are to be believed. In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to either 1) Take a transvestite out to lunch, or 2) steal his Obit and claim they wrote it.
And if you understood either one of those bits, you really need to watch something else on TV besides the Biography Channel. Or, you've reached that Golden Age where you call anyone younger than you "Kids", even if they're in their 50's.
A Moment Of Silence for Dudley "Draw a drunk short guy with a British Accent, everyone'll know who it is" Moore, who also fell to the Reaper's Rampage last week. Mourners are asked to go out and rent the original version of Bedazzled, and/or 10 and any TV Show he did with Peter Cook, so they can see that he was actually a talented comedian before some goofus talked him into doing Arthur II, and that serious film he did with Mary Tyler Moore who's name we can't be bothered to go look up.
One more, we promise; A Moment Of Silence for Billy Wilder, semi-famous Hollywood director, who we can probably blame for making Some Like It Hot and putting the idea into thousands of idiot Director's heads that Men In Dresses Equals Instant Funny. But, we're pretty sure he didn't kick dogs or anything like that, so guess he won't stay in Purgatory *too* long.
We suppose it's a bit too late in the day to just build a big Berlin Wall-like structure between the Israelies and the Palestinians to keep them from killing each other all day, huh?
So, let's get this straight; The Israelies move into Arafat's Compound with tanks and troops. During the fun, the electricity and water go out for a bit. The Israelies send in Food and Water so Arafat isn't uncomfortable. Uh, if your Sworn Mortal Enemies showed up on your Front Porch with large Weapons Of Destruction, would you eat or drink *anything* they gave you?
Wouldn't a lack of Food And Water make Arafat just a little more open to negotiations? We realize the Israelies are trying to make themselves look like the Good Guys in this, but there is a big difference between Good and Sucker.
And speaking of the Middle East; Yes, we've heard all the jokes about all the Good Suicide Bombers dying during Training, thank you very much.
Yep, and the ones about Retirement Benefits. And all the puns about "Blowing their cover" and having "Explosive Personalities". Ya know, just because they won't let us on the airplane with the Sniper Rifle doesn't mean we can't find other ways to Hurt You.
And we absolutely refuse to ever in this lifetime taste McDonald's new Chicken Strips or whatever they call them, just for the horrid commercials where they play Spice Girl music as people choke down the deep-fried treats. Of course, considering the path that the Spice Girls' career has taken, the rights to the song probably cost McDonald's only a couple orders of Chicken Strips...
The best, classic April Fool's Day Prank is the tried-and-true bit where you don't do a damn thing but walk around looking smug, thus keeping all the people who know you extremely paranoid all day.
Balthayzr voted for Aqua M&M's, by the way.