|March 25th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We work the "From our...file" bit to death, attempt to have a serious discussion about Women's Bodies and the Media (That should keep the Terms Of Service Hounds satisfied for a bit), and wonder what the total weekly Crystal Meth Intake for Fox Programming Executives is.
People Among The First Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; Folks who, to this day, think it's cute that Foreign People have different words for stuff (They call elevators Lifts! HAHA!).
Movie Rule #302; Any Cartoon Character with an Unruly hairstyle will, in an attempt at grooming, comb his hair and have it spring back into it's original Unruly State seconds after they've shown satisfaction with their new hairstyle.
The Bachelor, or How NOT To Learn From The Mistakes Of The Fox Network.
So, did anything else happen on the Oscars last night besides The First African-American Woman To Win Best Actress, and Poitier winning an Honorary Award? Because that seems to be the only things the Oscar Snobs wanna talk about...
National Lampoon's Van Wilder, or Ferris Bueller's Animal House.
From our I'd Rather Switch Then Fix file;The AOL Time Warner Empire (Which, remember, is in NO WAY an Evil Monopoly) has finally relented and is allowing employees to use e-mail clients other than the waste of cyberspace known as the AOL Mail Client "Corporate Version", after many complaints about lost messages and crashed Email Servers that take sometimes days to fix. Wonder how many of the rescued employees are the guys whose job it is to fix/program stuff like this.
Know what we miss most about the 80's and early 90's? Studios taking Flavor-Of-The-Month Celebs and putting them in cookie-cutter Action Movies. Hey, who doesn't wanna see Monica and Paula Jones in a Buddy-Cop movie battling Columbian Drugdealers?
Too bad Blow has already been used for a movie title...
Speaking of Fox; We eagerly await their latest Masterpiece Girl Next Door: The Search for a Playboy Centerfold, where we're sure the Winner gets to marry Don King or something...
From our At Least The Accounting Computer Still Works file; While Sony's EverQuest On-Line Game was experiencing one of it's famous Unscheduled Downtimes, the parent companies of this Divorce-In-A-Box took time out from fixing it to announce an Increase to the Monthly Rates they charge to hunt Elves or Orcs or whatever. Very smooth, guys.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2011, the Motion Picture Society Of America will introduce a Rule where remakes, sequels, and "Adaptations" will no longer be eligable for any Oscar, as the Committee wishes to honor "Originality". The main result of this decision is that the Oscar Broadcast is made significantly shorter, as the people involved in the 3 or 4 films that meet the new criteria simply divide the Awards amongst themselves and go home.
From our Actual Positive Stories About Clowns file; Around 80 clowns in full Kid-Scaring regalia marched the streets of Santa Cruz, CA, to protest Downtrodden clowns in their Million Clown March. Among their catchy chants; "No More Chanting!". We eagerly await the first Special Interest group to drag these clowns into court and attempt to say to a judge with a straight face "We're suing these clowns because they were making fun of US!"
Playboy looking to do a "Women Of Enron" spread? Why do we think we're going to be seeing lots of shots of "Executive Assistants"?
And we've heard all the jokes about calling nude centerfolds "Spreads", thank you very much.
From our Think We've Done Enough Stuff About Scantily-Clad Women? file; The FCC has dismissed complaints against Fox's Victoria Secret TV Special, saying it was "Properly Labeled" and didn't violate any Obscenity Laws. Which we suppose is what you get when you ask a bunch of guys whether or not it's OK for Supermodels to march around in Lingerie on TV.
Yes, we did say it was garbage, and an obvious pitiful Ratings Grab. We never said we didn't *watch* it...
What's more pretentious than calling yourself a "WebMaster" when you're running a little 10-page drooling-fan-boy web site that only you and your friends ever look at? Calling yourself an "Admin" "Network Supervisor" or other word you picked out of a Business Thesaurus.
You wanna know the Real Reason Scientologists keep suing all their critics for "Copyright Violations"? Because they don't want any one exposed to their "Manuals" before 1) The Brainwashing has a chance to set in, and 2) Before the checks Clear ("Volcanoes? Aliens? Atom Bombs? Where's the damn Exit Door?").
And we enjoyed seeing The Screen Savers listing Dom Deluise's occupation as "Personality". Which we suppose translates into "Person who hasn't done a Movie or TV Series in Years, but people do seem to remember his name. Wave a Pay-Check and he'll come running to do a Special Appearance, no matter what for".
Our favorite Oscar Race; Seeing which publication is the first to do an "Is Oscar Racist/Sexist?" Article after the Nominations are announced.
We'd like to thank all the newspapers and magazines that put a "Play Along With Oscar" checklist in their publications, so we, the Viewing Public, could Play Along At Home. It's just like Being There!
Pamela Anderson has claimed that the Hepatitis C she's currently suffering from came from an infected Tattoo needle she shared with Tommy Lee. Oh yeah, sure. A "Tattoo" needle. Uh huh.
And a Moment Of Silence for William Scholl, inventor of the "Exercise Sandal", who passed on at the age of 81. Please insert your favorite "Odor Eater" joke here.
A man is reportedly suing Eddie Murphy and the Fox Network over the P.J.s, claiming the characters look exactly like him and his neighbors in the Chicago Projects, and the likenesses were taken from a Documentary that was made about them. Okay, how desperate are you for cash if you claim you look like one of the borderline racist caricatures off of that show? It's like claiming you look just like the Japanese Soldiers in Warner Bros WWII Cartoons...
More than one article has made the claim that the Oscars is like a "Superbowl for Women". Maybe so, but we're betting not a lot of women attend the Ceremonies with their bodies painted like the Lobby Card of A Beautiful Mind, though.
"An Open Letter To Our Customers" :translation: "This is our Story, and we and our Lawyers are sticking to it.".
More than 1,800 people set the record for Most Snow Angels made this past Saturday in Bismarck, N.D. We're sure this is News for a reason, probably owing to the fact that is has nothing to do with Terrorists...
Yeah, 1,800 people will show up on a cold, snowy morning to lay down in the snow for a few minutes. Wonder how many of these people would brave the same weather to go Vote?
No one wants to hear your Conspiracy Theory on why your Favorite Movie/Actor/Make-Up guy didn't take home any Oscars this year.
Balthayzr wonders whether RAW or Smackdown will draft Big John Studd.