|March 18th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: More Election crap because that's ALL WE'VE BEEN HEARING AND SEEING FOR THE PAST WEEK!, Telemarketers find more clever ways to endear themselves to the Buying Public, and we shudder to think of the types of Web Search Hits we're gonna get this week, after mentioning "Britney" "Urine" and "Marital Aid" in the same column...
Great Mystery Of Life Supposedly Solved; Ya know how you get those phone calls where you hear someone hang up as soon as you pick up the phone? It's those wacky Telemarketers again. Seems the Computer that dials these numbers calls you up, then check to see if a "Representative" is free to take the call. If no one is, the computer hangs up and tries you again. And meanwhile, these telemarking companies sit around and wonder why people hate them so.
Favorite "Theory" We Heard On These Phone Calls; That it's a burglar checking to see if you're home or not.
We haven't decided yet whether this is as annoying as hearing the dialing computer say "Please stay on the line for an Important Message" while it looks for someone to take the call it just made to you...
"One Size Fits Most" :translation: "We are not responsible for this item not fitting those of you who are Bedridden due to weighing over 900 pounds, or those of you who have starved yourselves so much that you now have to shop for clothes in the Children's Department.".
Among Those First Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; Entertainment reporters that insist on doing a "clever pun" based on a movie's name when reporting the Top Box Office Grosses of the week. Like saying Ice Age has "Migrated" to the top, or We Were Soldiers "declared war" on the competition...
Warning To People Somewhat New To The Internet; "Special Viewer Plug-In" is Latin for "Trojan/Back Door Virus, Stop Looking At Porn".
Hulk Hogan in the WWF, with legions of fans cheering him and wearing Yellow-and-red "Hulk Rules" T-Shirts? Someone wanna tell Sherman to stop fucking around with the WayBack Machine?
And we'd like to thank Radio Shack for those commercials that are now giving us nightmares of Terry Hatcher living inside our skull and shouting...
Even if the story about Britney Spears being pelted with buckets of urine while filming a commercial turns out to be a joke of some sort, can't we just sit here and pretend for a bit?
Difference Between Men And Women, #821; Women on TV or in Movies who own Marital Aids - Exciting, Independent Person Who Knows What She Wants And Goes For It. Men on TV or in Movies who own Marital Aids - Sick, Sad Perverts Who Can't Get A Real Woman.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2007, A computer game manufacturer will release a game that contains no bugs whatsoever, but will also contain no Cheat codes or "Skin" capabilities. The makers of the various Online Message Board Programs will then sue the Software Maker off the face of the Earth, since Message Areas where people whine about Bugs and exchange cheat codes and Homemade Skins makes for about 65% of the Board Maker's Customer Base.
Election Drinking Game, Part 26; Do a Shot every time an ad states that the candidate in question will "fight for YOU/for WHAT'S RIGHT!".
Yes, Tech Support does ask a lot of Stupid, Obvious questions when they first take your call. But, you have to figure in how many folks have called and tied them up for 3 hours before finally saying "Wait a second, should the power cord be connected to the Printer?".
Let's put it this way; Urban Legends about goofy Tech Support Calls, are the only group of Urban Legends that are 99.9% True.
Ok, who exactly was the Studio Executive that Okayed Sorority Boys? Because we and our pet Baseball Bat would like to drop in for a visit. Hey, they won't let us bring the Sniper Rifle on the planes any more.
We're hoping he lives close to the guy that okayed the I Spy Remake with Eddie Murphy, so that we can get all our Baseball Bat-related business done in one trip.
Note to the makers of Baby Bob; Ya know, most of the crappiest TV Series we've ever had the misfortune to see had, as a major part of the First Episode, a discussion by Our Heroes on how/why to keep the Series Plot Point A Secret From Everyone On The Show. Thank you for keeping up this fine tradition of Warning The Viewing Public alive.
Could you people who design these robots for BattleBots and Robot Wars actually take a few minutes and learn to drive the damn things under combat conditions? Nothing like watching 2 Robots drive in circles, trying to line each other up with their weapons, to draw those ratings in...
And what was the deciding factor for making Chyna a "Host" for Robot Wars? Besides the fact that she's about one nip-and-tuck surgery away from being a Robot herself...
From our Thanks, Videogames Ain't Got Enough Of A Bad Reputation file; Someone at Acclaim actually thought it was a good idea to contact people and ask if they could put ads for Shadowman 2 on their Loved One's Tombstones, offering to pay for the tombstones in question in exchange for the Game Ad staying there forever (in case you're interested, they call the practice Deadvertising). So, we're taking it as given that "Acclaim" doesn't translate into "Tact" in any known language...
Having played the original Shadowman, we can tell you that tombstones *are* an appropriate place for the ads, because that's where the names of Dead things belong.
Has to make for an interesting Warranty Card. "Where did you hear about our Product?" "Read it off a tombstone while digging up a skull for a Goth Party".
Where do all these politicians get the quasi-patriotic music that plays in the background of their Radio and TV ads? Does TVMusic4u put out a CD labeled "Music To Make Your Opponents Look Like Scum By"? Do they commission it? "Yes, I wrote the "Republicans Poison Your Children" March, the "Democrats Sleep With The Unions" Overture, and I co-wrote the "A Vote For Independent Candidates Is A Vote Wasted" Ensemble".
Another favorite of ours during Election Time are these Radio/TV ads featuring average people spouting obscure facts about candidates at each other as they "candidly" discuss which is the best qualified. Because we hear people down at the Dairy Queen discussing the Voting Records of local Forest Preserve Officials all the time, so these commercials hit home with their Reality Factor.
Meanwhile, because voters are so Intelligent and Knowledgeable, we're getting mailings from our local Voting Board instructing us that, yes, the part of the ballot Labeled "Insert This End First" is indeed the part we should insert First...
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "That is not really the purpose of a Licence Plate - To put out your own Personal Message." - Bonnie Rutledge, Vermont Motor Vehicle Commissioner, commenting on their decision to not allow a plate with "IRISH1" on it because it might be "Racially Offensive" to people. Yeah, License Plates are no place for a personal message, but bet that doesn't stop you from charging Top Dollar for those Vanity Plates, does it Bonnie?
Signs You Need A Life, Part 62; If you had any type of serious discussion on the Rules Of Boxing violated during Fox's Celebrity Boxing.
Among Those First Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; Idiot Credit-Card companies that send Unsolicited "Cash Advance On Your New Account" checks thru the mail to you. Because *no one* ever steals people's mail looking for these things, ever.
Always remember; People who are Clueless Idiots usually don't realize they are Clueless Idiots. It is your job, as a true American (Or true Member-Of-Whatever-Country-You-Live-In) to remind them that they are Clueless Idiots each and every day, before they end up thinking they indeed possess a Clue and begin fooling with something Electrical or the like.
Balthayzr has had an unusual amount of Election/Junk Mail and Telemarking Calls this week. Can you tell?