|April 8th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The last meeting of the Kate Botello Fan Club, freshly swiped Simpsons News, and Life Advice from someone who spends his week-ends plotting out a Rant Column.
You know, Professional Wrestling has to be the only place on Earth where some guy comes out and gives you the finger, and you cheer him and demand he do it again.
And not only do you cheer him, you take pictures of him flipping you off to show your friends, and you buy large Foam Hand Covers of him giving the finger as a souvenir...
Oh, God NO! Oprah's cutting way back on her Book Club! What will we do without a complete stranger picking out politically-correct reading material for us? It's the END TIMES!!!
Jason X; Jason in Space? Is there some Rule in Hollywood that, when you've run out of ideas for your Franchise, you just do the same plot all over again in rejected Alien/Star Trek sets?
And how come this gets released, and we still ain't seen hide nor hair of Freddie Vs. Jason?
Jeez, ABC's cancelled Wednesday already? We're gonna have to go daily just so we can make fun of new TV Shows before they get shit-canned...
Hmmm. Seems Kate "Mouth Like A Torn Pocket" Botello's gone from TechTV. Meaning those of you out there with fetishes for women with bad dye jobs who pretend to throw kung-fu moves at the camera in an attempt to look "kewl" will have to look elsewhere. Like all the "plays" she claims she "quit" TechTV to be in.
"Reading for Plays". Isn't that what all out-of-work actors say they're doing while they bus tables for eatin' money?
You know what we need? More songs where someone takes a tune sung by a dead crooner and lays down a track on top of it of them singing, thus making it appear that they're singing a "Duet" with them.
Please, if there is a God, please get rid of the Professional Wrestling-style interviews with the builders/controllers of Fighting Robots on TV.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2054, the Miranda Warning will be at least 30 pages long, and Officers making an arrest will be required to read it in 67 different languages, including all Local Dialects. Lines from the warning will include "You have the right to flee from the Police. You have the Right to use whatever Force is necessary to shake pursuing Officers. Any damage caused by the pursuit is the fault of local Law Enforcement." The new Miranda will be cut down to a more manageable size by 2109 after research shows that reading it violates the suspect's right to a Speedy Trial.
Speaking of cartoon characters out of work, the South Park guys have verified rumors that Kenny is "permanently" off the show, claiming that the "Killing Kenny" gag had worn out it's welcome. Gee, dumping a one-note character before viewers, tiring of the routine, tune out? A certain show that appears Live on select Saturday Nights might want to give this idea a Heads Up, huh?
Sign Your Life Might Not Have Turned Out The Way You Planned, #289; If you've spent any amount of time programming a "wacky" On-Line Name Generator.
Note to Webmasters everywhere; If you have any inclination on running a Message Board on your web site, be warned that Celebs and Corporations have legions of lawyers who do nothing all day but feed their client's names into Google to make sure no one's expressing any negative opinions about them. Of course, since people posting on Message boards are too much trouble to track down, guess who gets a Summons in the mail?
Sign Your Life Might Not Have Turned Out The Way You Planned, #365; If, after the recent showing of the Simpsons episode featuring Homer's addiction to Medicinal Pot, you posted to any Simpson Fan Site/Newsgroup/Message Board a lengthy speech on your views of current Drug Laws.
Give yourself an Additional Demerit if, in this speech, you complained that people don't Hallucinate when they partake.
Sign Your Life Might Not Have Turned Out The Way You Planned, #366; If you've visited enough Simpson Fan Sites/Newsgroups/Message Boards to bitch about the postings there...
Speaking of the Simpsons and People Who Have No Life; Jose Eduardo Guinle, head of the Rio Tourism Board, has decided to sue Fox over the recent Simpsons Episode that showed Rio in a less-than-complimentary light. Okay 1) Somehow, we don't see a lot of people saying "You know, we were going to go to Rio for our Vacation, but we changed our minds after seeing Bart being eaten by a Boa Constrictor", and 2) We think suing a cartoon show in another country over a couple of "Banana Republic"-style gags ain't gonna do wonders for your image, either.
So, who's surprised that Farrakhan took the Palestinians side in this little squabble?
TNN could save a lot of the cash they use to make commercials if they'd just make one that says "From now on, we're showing at least 2 of the Godfather films each week. Check your Local Listings to see which 2.".
A Battlestar Galactica miniseries? A possibility that Firestarter: Rekindled will become a regular series? A Myst miniseries? What the hell are the people over at the Sci-Fi Channel smoking, and why ain't they sharing?
And we like how the announcement of the Battlestar Galactica mini-series "re-imagines the classic '70s SF TV series". Guess that sounds more Science-Fictiony than "Remake" or "Update"...
Note to the Fox News Channel; So, when the US grabs one of Usama's BigWigs, you guys put up, as a Headline on your Channel, Al-Quaptured? Does someone actually look this stuff over before it goes on the air, or what?
The new shape to be included in all future boxes of Official Animal Crackers is; The Koala. In case you've got any Bar Bets to collect or anything.
Note to the Hyundai company; Uh, exactly what is the message you really want your new Commercial Campaign to deliver? Drive Our Car Because Satan Drives One? Hyundai, The Official Car Of Eternal Damnation?
What, exactly, is promised these female Suicide Bombers? 72 Well-Endowed Men That Will Treat You As An Equal?
Or did the Palestinians just get lucky and find a lot of Suicidal Lesbians that don't mind dying for a Misogynic Government?
Note to BBC America; Despite what we see on your various TV Series, we're not really sure we believe the common Brit On The Street still says "Blimey" in conversation.
Let's see if we got this straight; They left the "Mediciney" taste in Medicine so Kids wouldn't think it's Candy and eat a lot of it. So, kids figure out Medicine tastes like a glass of Pine-Sol and won't take it. So now, Pharmacies offer to put Candy Flavoring in it so the kids will like it's taste. We the only one that see some sort of problem *cough*lawsuit*cough* here?
Balthayzr wonders how mentally healthy it is to spend half his spare time watching TV, and the other half reading web sites about TV.