|April 15th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Attack Of The Grand Imperial Kitty, we lay the Beatification down, and it's Earth Day week, so remember to say you're "giving back to Nature" if you're caught taking a whiz in public.
From our Have You Noticed Fluffy Wearing Those White Robes Lately? file; Richard Espinosa is suing the Escondido Library, after the library's cat attacked his "Assistance Dog". Now, what makes this such an odd story is that he's claiming this as a Hate Crime against the Disabled, because they supposedly kept this "Dangerous Cat" in the library when they knew people with these dogs would be coming to the library. Now, our question is; Is it a Hate Crime if he brings that dog into a place where there might be people who are allergic to dogs, or who have a phobia about them?
Free Legal Advice for Mr. Espinosa; You might not to keep telling people that your "Assistance Dog" is there to help you with your Anxiety Attacks. Unless you enjoy the Raised Eyebrows and chuckles.
Or unless you wanna explain how a 50 pound dog helps you with Anxiety Attacks when it can't even defend itself against a indoor cat...
Note to Burger King; Cluck, and get 50 cents off your new Chicken Whopper? Going to be a lot of Burger King employees getting revenge on pushy customers by telling them "No, you have to cluck LOUDER. And flap your arms."
Does anyone care that Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are engaged? Besides the collectors of Porn hoping that their Honeymoon tape gets "stolen"?
And we're sure all the people who are getting in line now for Attack Of The Clones are doing it only because they love the Movies so much, and not because they know they're gonna end up on the evening news.
We haven't quite decided which is more annoying; Jar Jar Binks, or the would-be wits that keep asking if he's in the New Movie.
Somewhere along the line we lost The Chair, as well. Guess we're gonna have to look elsewhere for our Cardiac Arrest-Related Game Shows. How about one called The Grabber, where we take a bunch of Portly, sedate middle-aged people, and send them out to run and do Push-Ups and the like, and the Survivor gets a free Angioplasty? Which would then be featured on one of TLC's numerous Live Surgery Shows.
Guess this also means McEnroe goes back to making those oh-so-witty commercials making fun of his career of fit-throwing on the tennis courts.
Everyone else is saying it, and we're just gonna jump on the bandwagon as well; You'd think seeing Daddy stumble around the house and struggle to do everyday things like put a new bag in the Garbage Can would be more than enough warning to keep Ozzy Osborne's kids off of drugs.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Upon hearing news that several Companies are being allowed to test employees for Tobacco (In order to "boost Productivity" and "Lower health care costs"), companies will begin testing for other "risks"; Testing for Sugar, to keep Dental costs down, and keep employees from getting Diabetes; For Meat, so that you don't ruin productivity by having a Grabber on the Job, and carnivores make Vegetarians uncomfortable, making for a Hostile Work Environment; For Excessive Vegetable Products, which shows Militant Vegan leanings that would make other employees uncomfortable, making for a Hostile Work Environment...
Oh, joy. It's Earth Day week. Another fun-filled 7 days of hearing how everytime we fart, we kill 30 acres of Jungl...oh, sorry, Rain Forest. If this is all true, shouldn't we be seeing the Great Brazilian Desert by now?
We're not sure which is scarier; That TV Guide is doing 35 different Star Trek covers, or that there will be people who will drive over 30 states and spend thousands on Ebay to have them all...
Know what never works? Going into an Official Product Support Newsgroup, and asking if anyone has a Warez copy or a Serial Number for the product in question.
One would guess, from all these advertisements for The Scorpion King, that's it's about a Profession Wrestler that somehow goes back in time to Ancient Egypt.
Gee, about half the newspaper Pulitzers that were awarded this year were awarded for "best" 9/11 coverage. Yeah, we can't find Usama, our troops can't stop accidentally killing themselves in Military Accidents, but by God we can write weepy articles asking people how their Lives Have Changed Since 9/11!!!
One Of The Things We Love Most About The Internet; Warez Sites that attempt to legitimize themselves by putting Ad Banners on their sites that link to Charities.
Yep, Television certainly has been much funnier since everyone's discovered you can say "penis" and "prick" on TV.
Speaking of TV: We're glad to see the various Networks admitting that their current crop of shows are a complete load, by having lots of "Reunion" shows and "Guest Stars From Past Popular Programs" appearances.
From our Silent But Deadly file; Coming soon to a theatre that's hopefully far away from your house is Shakespeare done silently, or as "Synectic Theater", as the creator Paata Tsikurishvili calls it. He describes it as stories told thru "Bodily Movements", which sound suspiciously like Mime, and also sounds suspiciously like something thats gonna be asking for a Government Grant pretty soon when people discover that, as boring as Hamlet is, Mime Hamlet is doubly so.
What else makes this sound Deadly; Tsikurishvili suggests you "Read the play before the Performance", so you understand what's going on. Yep, nothing's more relaxing than a play that you have to Cram for...
And they might wanna come up with a new description besides "Bodily Movements", because it sounds like an invitation for a lot of Poop Jokes.
Remember, you're not truly "kewl" unless you've bemoaned the cancellation of Once And Again, as though small children in other countries will die horribly if this show doesn't stay on.
Especially if you write a TV Critic Column. Unless you're one of those taking the "ultrakewl" route of writing columns wondering why everyone's bemoaning the show's cancellation...
Whoopi Goldberg has announced she's leaving Hollywood Squares. Now, you have to ask yourself; Just how lousy *is* a project when Whoopi doesn't want anything to do with it?
Schizotrichia Fun Fact; The process by which the Pope picks who's eligible for Sainthood is called "Beatification", in which candidates have to have at least one miracle attributed to them after their deaths. No fair asking how they know which dead Candidate performed which miracle.
Beatification. Sounds like a Wrestling Finishing Move, or something Mr. Jinx would threaten Pixie and Dixie with...
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire will be taking a Summer Vacation" :translation: "We're gonna take it off for a while, see if anyone misses it. Hey, we managed somehow to drive it from #1 to #55 in the ratings, we gotta try *something*.".
Ya know, the week's just not complete without news that either 1) An Asteroid's just missed Earth by a few million miles, or 2) An Asteroid the size of Alaska is headed for Earth, and will hit in about 10,000 years.
Balthayzr drives by the Post Office at 11:59 PM every April 15th to laugh at the poor suckers in line, since he files his taxes on Feb 1st. So there.