|April 29th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Another Pro Wrestler falls to the Grim Reaper's Finishing Move, we break with tradition and discuss Porn, and we take the cheap way out by making fun of Spanish Television.
From our Being Anal Helps Us Fill Columns Faster File; This from an AP Story about a young man who was going to spike the punch at his Prom with an as-yet-unidentified substance; "A woman who answered the phone at Dumler's house refused to comment and said she would pass on a request for comment to the boy's father or lawyer, once one is hired.". You know, they could probably save a lot of money if they just hire a New Father who happens to be a Lawyer...
We also like how this is being labeled an "Act Of Terrorism". And we're sure that we're not going to see Anything Bad Anyone Ever Does labeled as some sort of Terrorist Act by some Lawyer trying to get his name in the paper so that the next celeb who gets busted will recall his name and hire him, or as an "Guaranteed Guilty Verdict" bit to entertain prospective juries with during Press Conferences. Because that *never* happens.
Nice to see we've officially entered the part of the Robert Blake Story where all the pundits are doing editorials asking if We're Covering This Story Too Much And Turning It Into A Circus.
Sign That Your Life Hasn't Quite Turned Out The Way You've Planned; If your name is listed as a "Top Poster" on more than one Message Board.
Ah, Spring. When every News Service out there does at least one story on how Florida and other Southern Coastal States are hard at work to make sure you and your Loved Ones won't be ripped apart by Sharks during your vacation this year.
A 19-year-old "gun enthusiast" went nuts in Germany, walked into the school he was expelled from, and killed 16 of his schoolmates before killing himself. Which we're pretty sure was connected to the fact that the name of his hometown was "Erfurt".
"Erfurt". One of those delightful words that sounds dirty, but really isn't. Or one of those words crazy people on the bus are always mumbling to themselves.
And a Moment Of Silence for Lou Thesz, another one of those guys whose name you had to mention whenever you did an interview about Classic Wrestlers. Lou is also famous for his "Thesz Press", a move where you run at an opponent and launch yourself Groin-First at his face, knocking him backwards so you could land on top of him (As shown to us weekly by Stone Cold Steve Austin). Suppose it ain't as bad as head-butting a guy in the crotch, but still...
From our There's More To Spanish TV Than That Guy Wearing The Red Cockroach Outfit file; There's supposedly a show on Galavision called SoccerSlam, which is a delightful combination of Pro Wrestling and Soccer, with players doing Wrestling Moves to each other and breaking Bottles and Chairs over each other's heads. There's room in there for a bit about How Do You Tell The Wrestlers From The Rioting Fans, but we ain't touching it...
Speaking of Wrestling; Any way we can make some sort of law that demands that any guy over, say, 45 years old has to wear a shirt when he wrestles so we're not tortured by floppy Man-Boobs?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Frankin-Bradford Act of 2082 will demand that any issuer of "Collectables" that makes any claim, implied or otherwise, about the Items they sell "Increasing In Value" must buy said Item back at 5% monthly interest after the sucke... uh, Buyer in question discovers there isn't a real big re-seller's market out there for Second Hand Elvis Silver Dollars, Gone With The Wind Teapots, and Baby Dolls wearing Harley Davidson leathers. The amount will be automatically doubled for any poor soul who discovers that several display cases full of this crapola is actually his Inheritance ("And to my favorite nephew Stan, I leave my complete collection of I Love Lucy Collectable Dolls").
Actual "new" newsgroup we saw when we opened our newsreader today; Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.glasses. You get the feeling there's just one goof out there who "introduces" all these oddball porn groups, and then sits back and laughs himself silly at the people who actually starts posting in it?
Or you think maybe it's a group of rabid anti-porn people who hope we'll get so physically ill seeing just the names of these groups, that we'll develop some sort of Pornophobia?
Reports are that Law And Order creator Dick Wolf wants to "revisualize" Dragnet as a weekly series. Wonder 1) How long did it take his Underlings to convince Mr. Wolf to NOT call it Law And Order: Dragnet, 2) How many people are going to be actually disappointed that this isn't a TV version of the Hanks/Ackroyd movie, and 3) How this is going to be different from Law And Order...how, again?
And give yourself a demerit if you don't have kids, or work with kids, and still were aware that there's a new Host on Blue's Clues.
Or write a Rant Column. We forgot to include that one. Nothing wrong with you knowing this if you write a Rant Column.
Yeah, the Rock is a Thunder Mixer and a box of Vitamins shaped like Raised Eyebrows away from being Hulk Hogan. The scary thing is that we think he knows this and doesn't seem to care.
Award yourself a Brownie Point if you knew just what the hell a Thunder Mixer was (Answer; A cheap Blender that Hogan came out with sometime during his WCW run, the purpose of which was to mix some kind of Health Food Drink Hogan was pushing at the time. We got one as a Gag Gift one birthday when our wife discovered one sitting on a Clearance table for $1.98. A quick inspection showed it to be so cheaply made that the only way it would stand up to the rigors of producing a Mixed Drink would be if you only used it to store the envelopes the crap comes in.).
Sign That Your Life Hasn't Quite Turned Out The Way You've Planned; If you've ever made a Web Page that was a Glossary of the Slang Words and/or Expressions used in any Online Video Game (Camper(noun), see: Camper, Fucking).
Proof That Once In a While, When You Ask God To Give You A Sign, He Does; John E. Bireley, Financial Officer for the company that made Barney, passed on last week. And here's hoping he kept that job for the rest of his life, because we're betting that putting the Purple Dinosaur on your resume really doesn't do much to impress prospective employers. ("You worked for the jerks that invented that damn goofy thing? My 3-year-old sings "I Love You" 18 hours a day! Someone get my GUN!!").
Why did any of you out there watch the Gilda Radner biography movie? It's not like you didn't know how it ended or anything.
George Lucas, according to some released memos and interviews, has found Episode 1 to be "Disappointing", filled with too many "Cute Characters, Situations and Kids". He also admits that there was too much Merchandising done, with stores flooded with unsold Action Figures and such. This is what is known as "Sucking Up To The Fan Base And Geek Web Sites Right Before Your Next Film Comes Out".
We're also assuming this means that were in for some sort of "Episode 1, Special Edition" that'll delay the release of the Original Trilogy On DVD by another few years....
Question for Radio Shack; So, you're showing a commercial that features Terry Hatcher giving Howie Long a cell phone. You then say that a cell phone makes for a wonderful Mother's Day Gift. So, what, Howie going in for a little Surgery or something?
Sign that Patrick Norton and Leo LaPorte are gonna be co-authoring a column for LinuxRulz Digest as their main job soon; TechTV seems to have picked up the broadcast rights to the old American Version of the Max Headroom. You know, the post-apocalyptic one where Max would show up for about 2 minutes total each episode?
Not that it was a horrible show, but it's a Sign that your network's in a bit of trouble when you start picking up the Sci-Fi Channel's cast-offs to pad out the Schedule after cancelling half your line-up in the last year. What next, Automan? Misfits Of Science? The Wizard?
Proof That Once In a While, When You Ask God To Give You A Sign, He Does; Ruth Handler, credited for inventing Barbie, also passed on last week, thus probably taking to her grave the Paternal Secrets to all of Barbie's "sisters".
She's also credited for inventing one of the first Artificial Breasts, a bit we ain't touching for all the porn in Sweden...
And we'd like to thank WWF RAW for showing footage from the 80's cartoon show Hulk Hogan's Rock 'N' Wrestling, so we could once again relive the shame of knowing that we not only used to watch this show, but actually had it on tape at one point.
Balthayzr always excuses himself when he Erfurts in public.