|April 22nd, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Celebs die and get arrested, albeit not in that order; Dude, Where's My Sniper Rifle?; and why you shouldn't keep your Organs to yourself.
TravelWorm? Yeah, when people think of traveling to inexpensive motels, good to make them think of Worms...
And when people think of Good Things on the Internet, they think of Worms, as well...
Best sign seen at Backlash; "Hulk Hogan, my DAD is 50!".
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "I was not feeling the love. It was a take-it-or-leave it, with-or-without-you offer, and I felt devalued and disrespected. The idea of the reunion and the energy behind it felt disingenuous and motivated by corporate profit." - Lisa "Lilakoi Moon" Bonet, on why she won't be appearing on the Cosby Show Reunion Show. Let's see, a reunion of one of TV's most popular shows, appearing on TV's most watched day of the week, during spring Sweeps. Yeah, we can see how Miss Bonet was lead to believe that this was a Reunion of Close Friends getting together to share hugs and memories. And we're sure her holding out wasn't motivated by any Profit Motivations of her own...
She also claims she's "much too busy to appear" at the reunion. Too busy doing what? Sci-Fi Channel making an Angel Heart Mini-Series?
Or, with a name like "Lilakoi Moon", is it her night to hand out Flowers and Pamphlets at the Airport?
People Who Will Be First Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; Anyone who says "albeit" in the course of a normal conversation.
Insert your favorite "Boy, the Earth Day Celebrations sure leave a lot of litter behind" bit here.
Seriously Dude, Where's My Car? A SEQUEL? WHY?
If Microsoft is so Evil and Bloated, and Linux is so great, why are there so many people out there working to make Microsoft programs work on Linux?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Worker's Act Amendment of 2087 will finally outlaw all those "cute" Job Interviewer questions to which there are no correct answers, like "Why do you want to work Here?" and "Where do you see Yourself in 5 years?", and especially "What would you say is your greatest fault?". Instead, job applicants must be asked questions that actually test their ability to do the job their applying for. Interviewers are also no longer allowed to disqualify applicants who ask about Salary and Benefits during the interview, as though there's Something Wrong with people who wish to be compensated for their Labors.
And a Moment Of Silence for Wahoo McDaniel, one of the first popular "Indian who uses the Tomahawk Chop and War Dance as Moves" stereoty....uh, wrestlers, who died from Kidney Failure at the age of 63. The main reason most people nowadays remember Mr. McDaniel is because of a little-known Law that states that when you do an interview about Wrestling Greats of the past, you have to mention his name, along with Dick the Bruiser and any Funk Brother.
No fair asking what kind of Native American name "McDaniel" is, either.
We'd also like to mention at this point that Mr. McDaniel died after waiting 4 1/2 years on a kidney transplant list. So this might be a *real* good time to sign that Organ Donors card. What, you think St. Peter is going to look at you when you go to Heaven and say "You gave your eyes to someone ELSE, so they could see? Sorry, you have to have all your Original Equipment to get into Heaven. To HELL with you!".
So the Slim Whitman Clone who did the famous YAHOO! Yodel sues YAHOO!, claiming they only had permission to use it for one commercial and they were now Using His Creation Without Permission. And now comes news that they've settled out of court. We're guessing either 1) Someone's lawyer convinced the Cowboy that he's probably not gonna win a case where he stands up in court and claims to have patented a Yodel, or 2) Someone's lawyers realizes that, if this case went thru, not only would they be known as the "Yodel Lawyers" forever, they'd have to sit in a courtroom for months listening to this goof holler.
Incoming Clue Alert; When someone tells you something is Hot and/or Spicy, it's usually a very good idea to listen to them.
And a Moment Of Silence for Linda Lovelace, who made the words Deep Throat Household words, who died from injuries from a Traffic Accident at 53. We were going to make a comments about being Choked Up by the news, until we realized we're not the only people in the world who own Sniper Rifles. Sorry.
Here's the odd part; They interviewed her ex-husband for the Obituary, who claimed he and Linda remained "Close Friends" after their divorce. And we have to ask; if you like each other so much, why did you get divorced? She catch him watching her films or something?
The Fox Network has announced the cancellation of Ally McBeal. Probably in an attempt to get Callista Flockhart away from the studios before she pulls a Karen Carpenter and they get sued by her "concerned family members"...
Scariest part about the announcement; A quote from Ally creator David E. Kelley who, after threatening to piss in Rupert Murdoch's Cobb Salad, made mention of L.A. Law being "brought back". Yeah, that's what TV needs. More Ensemble Law Enforcement Shows that show impressionable children how much Fun it is to be a Lawyer.
Speaking of, ain't we way overdue for another Law And Order series?
Incoming Clue Alert; When someone tells you something Isn't Hot and/or Spicy, chances are he's a big, fat Liar. Better to have people laugh at you for not trying it, then to hop around screaming for water and have them laugh at you anyway.
Please tell us we didn't see a bit on TechTV about the "Painstation", a videogame console made by 2 German "artists" that features a small metal whip that beats against the back of your hand as you play. And also don't tell us these wacky Germans don't place other parts of their bodies under this whip when they think no one's looking.
A Moment Of Silence for Robert Urich, who died this week after succumbing to a very rare Bone Joint cancer. We're guessing this means that the Ice Pirates sequel isn't going to get made in a hurry...
Yes, we know Robert Blake finally got arrested for the murder of his wife. We've also been tortured by numerous wits singing "Eye Of The Sparrow" (the infamous "Don't do the crime" Baretta theme song) at us, and numerous other wits offering the theory that Fred the Cockatoo did it, and especially we've heard all the various OJ/Johnny Cochran jokes. Thanks, that's quite enough now.
Okay, putting "M" (for Mobile) in front of the name of your new Product or Company is no less pretentious or annoying that putting "E" in front of it.
Never, ever put anything on the Net, whether on a Web page, newsgroup or even "private" FTP, that you don't want ending up on millions of Hard Drives. You really don't want a potential employer, or better yet relative, looking at you one day and saying "Hey, you're the girl who does tricks with Shower Heads, aren't you?".
A Moment of Silence for John "Mr. Shirley Temple" Agar, who passsed on last week at 81. You have to kinda respect a guy who not only conquered Alcoholism, but who looked back at his Acting Career with the same "What a load that was" critical eye as the rest of us did.
And why are you reading this when you could be on the various X-Files newsgroups, bitching about the Lone Gunmen getting Killed Off?
Balthayzr prefers to piss in Spinach Salads.