|May 27th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We make fun of Baldys and Fatsos because we're MEAN, Bad Things Happen And We Forget To Blame The Axis Of Evil, and we leave the lid off the garbage can long enough for more TNN and InfectTruth bits to get out.
You realize, of course, that 99% of the "previews" in Video Game/Computer magazines are just slightly reworded Press Releases. The reason they call them Previews is that not a lot of people are gonna pay $7.99 for a Video Game Magazine with a bunch of "Press Release Review" columns.
From our We're Surprised It Took This Long file; Seems "Representatives" of every minority group under the Sun are protesting Episode II, claiming that the marching hordes of clones actually represent the Fear typical White Americans have of (Insert name of favorite minority group here) Immigrating Into The U.S. In Large Numbers. Oh, yeah, we can see that. The movie also exposes the wide-spread fear that a small, green guy is gonna go after your shins with a Light Saber, as well.
For instance, one bit of "evidence" is the fact that young Boba Fett calls his father "Baba", which is "Arabic for Father", thus proving the Clone Army is Arabs Marching In To Take Over America. News flash, kiddies; It's been a long-standing tradition in movies to "Borrow" bits and pieces from other languages instead of going thru the trouble of making up your own language from scratch.
Of course, you'd think Lucas'd be used to this by now. Remember the Controversy back in the Day when "everyone" knew what Darth Vader *really* represented, being all in Black and being voiced by an African-American actor?
We hereby call for a Moratorium on any Movie/TV Show that has, as it's plotline, a Regular Shlub that *just* happens to look exactly like a Famous Person/Spy/Bigwig, and is asked to Take Their Place.
This goes double for anyone planning any "updates" of The Prince And The Pauper anytime soon.
This goes triple for anyone thinking of doing any of those Freaky Friday Two-People-Somehow-Magically-Switch-Minds-And-Try-To-Live-Each-Other's-Lives bits.
Note to people making signs to take to football games, Pro wrestling events, and the like; We've seen quite enough "This sign sucks!" signs, thank you very much.
Chandra Levy's remains have been found. Let the hare-brained speculating begin.
Most amusing part of this news is that Gary Conduit's lawyer says that finding her body "proves" his client is Innocent. Now, we haven't been to Law School, and we've missed a few episodes of Law And Order here and there, but exactly *how* does Finding The Corpse prove that Gary had nothing to do with her Disappearance?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The FCC will enact a new Rule for local news broadcasts in 2011, demanding that the news anchors give an exact time that a "Teaser" story will show up in their news broadcast, so that viewers aren't forced to watch the entire show waiting for a 20-second segment ("New research about Death Asteroids maybe headed to Earth, details at 10:27:30PM during our regular News Broadcast.").
Note to Lita, Pro Wrestling "Diva"; Sure was worth breaking your neck in three places doing a stunt on Dark Angel just in time for it's cancellation, huh?
And a Moment Of Silence for Joe Cobb, the original "Fat Kid" in the Our Gang shorts, who died recently at the age of 85. Which kind of puts a Monkey Wrench in the theory that anyone who's even 5 pounds overweight is gonna have a grabber and die on his 40th Birthday, because this guy was literally about 450 pounds at the age of 6, and seemed to live to a ripe, old age.
Of course, the kid that replaced him as Official Fat Joke, "Chubby", died at 18 after an operation for the Glandular Ailment that made him so big, due to complications from him weighing about 600 pounds at the time, so who the hell knows?
We're sorry to break it to you, but growing your hair to Shoulder Length or more doesn't make you look any less Bald.
Neither does wearing a hat 24/7. Even if it's a hat advertising your New Project.
Sorry, but your Band isn't Big Time just because some video game maker heard your Thrash Metal group performing at the local Juice Bar and asked you to take Scale Pay to put a couple of your songs in his new Skateboarding/BMX Bike/EXTREME Sports Game.
Wonder how many of these poor goofy kids doing these InfectTruth "Awareness Stunt" commercials are NYU Film Students who think that this is their path to be the next Michael Moore. Sorry, kiddies, but we've seen Roger And Me and it's various sequels/spin-off projects, and they're a little more involved than just leaving wacky red signs in public places, and doing "Performance Art" in front of Tobacco Company Offices.
Wrestling Law #334; Any wrestler returning from an Injury will do an Interview thanking the crowd for Standing Behind Him. This interview will be interrupted by someone as a very cheap, easy way to set up a Wrestling Angle.
Note to the goofball fans who charge the ring during Wrestling Matches; The chances of Vince McMahon being impressed with your Moxie and offering you a multi-year contract are surprisingly Small. The chances of the wrestler you're charging punching you dead in the face, then you getting roughed up by Security, then you getting ejected forcibly from the arena and being then being arrested and roughed up by the Real Police are surprisingly Large. But, hey, it's your Ticket Money.
So, TNN... oh, sorry, The New TNN's latest idea for a show is to have a bunch of goofs make Prank Phone calls, record them, and then re-enact the calls with puppets that look like they were picked out of Frank Oz's garbage can. Well, suppose it'll be ok if it gives TNN something to obsess over besides The Godfather films and Baywatch...
As if you needed *another* excuse to not only attend the World Cup in Japan, but to show up very early for the best seats; It's legal to purchase "Magic Mushrooms" In Tokyo, but only until June 6th. Better stock up now!
Of course, if you miss this, you can still get tickets for the Chicago Opera Theatre's Summer Season, featuring Hans Krasa's "Brundibar" and Bohuslav Martinu's "Comedy On The Bridge", conducted by Alexander Platt. Imagine how jealous all the other kids will be of your matching "Brundibar" T-shirt and Foam Finger!
Definite Sign Things Have Gotten Back To Normal; A Barge broke lose on the Arkansas River, took out a bridge, and we didn't hear a lot of goofy-ass speculation about Terrorists or how Bin Laden is sending followers to Boating Schools and such.
Best Product At E3; Nyko's Air-Flo Video Game Controller, which blows air on your hands as you play. This way, when you hand your controller to the next player, it's not all warm and damp and icky.
And speaking of Video Games; Just because you do reviews for a Video Game Magazine, doesn't mean it's a *real* good idea to quit your job and go work for a Video Game Company because you feel all the Reviewing Has Given You Special Insights. Just ask Roger Ebert and Rex Reed how their Adventures in the Film Industry went.
A woman lost her court case against Bob Villa last week. Seems Bob was allegedly sitting behind her on an airplane, and caused her "Emotional And Mental Distress", not to mention Everlasting Back Pain, by supposedly kicking her seat the entire flight. Remember crap like this the next time you wonder why it takes months, sometimes years, to get a case to court. It's because Wastes Of Life like this have seen too many TV Commercials for local lawyers.
One small question, here; Is Villa part Mule? How the hell do you "Grievously Injure" someone's back by kicking the Airline Seat they're sitting on? Because it sounds better in a courtroom than "I'm suing because I was annoyed, then overjoyed to discover the guy bothering me was a Famous Person With Lotsa Money."?
Cartoon Network really needs to show more commercials for the upcoming Powerpuff Girls Movie. Because 3 times a minutes might not be enough to get the Message Across.
Balthayzr has a fear that he will build a golden humanoid robot, and it'll end up acting all Prissy.