|June 10th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: A Mob Boss dies, and we make fun of him while digging another floor for the Bunker; R.Kelley gets busted for having a non-regulation Rap Name; and Someone's been activating their own Wonder Twin Powers a *little* too much, if you know what we mean.
Newsgroup Threads Best Avoided; Ones that, after a few dozen posts, only have 2 or 3 people contributing. You can pretty well bet it's become a Name-Calling Competition dealing with a subject light-years away from the Original.
A Moment Of Silence for John "The Teflon Don" Gotti, who died due to cancer in the U.S. Medical Center for Federal Prisoners at the age of 61. Which again just goes to show that Cancer and Death don't give a rat's ass how many politicians you owned, or how many unions coughed up 1/3 of their Dues monies to you, or how many people you had Whacked. Allegedly.
And, having read his Obit in several hundred sources, this should also start up the age-old song-and-dance where people claim that there's no Organized Crime in the US, and how the word "MAFIA" is an Ethnic Slur. Remember, they're just Businessmen.
Note to all the wise guys out there (is Wise Guys an Ethnic Slur?); Hanna Barbera Studios created the character of Shaggy for the Scooby Doo cartoon. If they say he's not a stoner, he's not. And they would know, being his creators. All hare-brained speculation aside, he's a Cartoon Character. It's not like he sneaks off the drawing board at night and wanders off to Raves, or that there's some secret Out-Take reel of him inhaling a Bong between takes.
Speaking of people who've been inhaling bongs; Remember the Wonder Twins, from Super Friends? Seems some idiot, having read one too many stories about how well Spider Man has been doing at the Box Office, has decided the Wonder Twins deserve their own Feature Film. And we're not afraid that this movie's gonna Stink On Ice, because we know it will. We're afraid that the movie's gonna be one of those "Oh yeah, we know we suck" type of movies that Troma's made so infamous, and that it'll end up flooding the stores with Wonder Twin Crapola, and some goofus at the WB will start planning a Wonder Twins Series. All which is just way too much evil to think about.
So, the main selling point of Rollercoaster Tycoon, according to the TV Commercials, is that random assholes will barge into our house and bitch about the Theme Park we're messing around with on our computer? Sounds like a blast to us.
On the subject, have enough people been hurt and killed *yet* to show that standing up on rollercoasters ain't the smartest idea? Probably not. Besides, stupid deaths make for amusing breakfast conversation.
Clint Eastwood's been elected a state parks commissioner in California. Just a warning so you can catch all 800 versions of the same "Dirty Harry Shoots People For Feeding The Bears/Walking On The Grass" gags appearing in finer Topical Comic Strips everywhere.
And is it a law that any news story about Clint Eastwood has to do some sort of take-off on "Make My Day" as part of the article Title? Or is it a handy Pointer so we know which Clint Eastwood the news piece is talking about?
While we wish Paul...sorry, SIR Paul McCartney luck in his new marriage, is there any reason we're supposed to particularly care? Will this marriage magically reunite the Beatles? Or cause Wings to go out on a 5 year tour? Or make Ringo release all those nude pictures of Barbara Bach that we're sure he's got hidden in a closet somewhere?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The award for Best Technical Advance at the 2020 E3 Show will be a Computer Chair made of a secret material that completely absorbs Certain Bodily Fluids, thus allowing Computer Geeks the world over to surf their favorite Web Sites without having to bother hunting for Tissues or Paper Towels to avoid those tell-tales stains.
And a Moment of Silence for Holly Solomon, art dealer and collector made most famous for being a subject of one of Andy Warhol's multi-panel paintings. She supposedly had a lot to do with bringing us Jasper Johns and aiding the New York Art Snot Scene. So, make sure you mourn her death to acquaintances somewhere along the line this week so you appear Deep and Complicated.
Somewhat Amusing Tech Story Of The Time Period; There's this little program out there called Trillian, that combines AIM and Microsoft Messenger and IRC and all the other chat clients out there into one program. AOL reportedly keeps "Updating" AIM so Trillian and other programs of it's ilk don't work with AIM anymore. Meanwhile, Microsoft alerts makers of these types of programs when they make changes to MSN Server routines, so that these programs can keep working with Microsoft Messenger and Hotmail. Please remind us, who exactly is the big, evil Monopoly, again?
And we can hear all the anti-Micro$oft folk out there now, claiming MS is just doing this to suck up to the Trial Judges and try to prove they're not Satan, and that AOL is just protecting their Intellectual Property. Of course they are. Isn't this what kinda started the whole MS mess, the idea that MS was doing something to their "program" to make sure competitor's programs wouldn't work with it?
So now R. Kelly's been busted, thanks to those tapes floating around, on 20-odd counts of Child Pornography. Which once again teaches that valuable lesson that today's young Thugs just don't seem to grasp; If you're going to do something Naughty, don't take pictures or make Videotapes of yourself doing it.
Or, if you do, don't let other people know that you've got them.
Apparently, Mr. Kelly has never seen that old plot in numerous SitComs and Movies, where Our Heroes make a sex-tape of themselves for Fun, then proceed to lose it with Hilarious Results.
The best part of Looking For Love; Bachelorettes In Alaska had to be the promos showing these 5 ladies trudging through knee-deep snow in Wedding Dresses. We're sure this had something to do with try-outs for this show, because we're thinking any woman desperate enough for a husband to do this little stunt was desperate enough to jump these guys on National Television and thus provide those Important ratings.
What, you think people watch this kinda crapola to watch a Relationship Unfold as the couples learn More About Each Other? Please. They're making bets about which girl will be the next one to pop over to the guy(s) house wearing a leather teddy under her coat.
Sign That You're Getting Much, Much Older; You look over the Summer Concert Schedule in your Local Paper, and you don't recognize half the Bands, and you recall the dates when the other half of the Bands originally broke up.
And Speaking Of; 2 guys and a bunch of back-up musicians are NOT The Monkees. Might be time to just give it up, fellas.
Ya know, we're beginning to think Soccer Fans just go ahead and riot whether their teams Win Or Lose...
Insert wacky "Ugly Ties And Bad Cologne On Father's Day" routine here.
Warning; There's another one of those 100 Best Sci-Fi Movies Of All Time lists being released this week. Just so you realize that your favorite newsgroup, no matter what subject it covers, is gonna be flooded with Geekoids bitching on and on about it.
So Lewis beat the living crap out of Tyson Saturday Night. Poor Mike, guess the good economy means Don King's having trouble finding "Professional Boxers" to come in and take a dive for the Big Guy, huh?
Of course, the best part of Boxing Matches like this is hearing one guy swear he's going to literally murder the other, then after getting his brains beat in claim in post-match interviews that he always has had Nothing But Respect for the other guy and his skills, thus trying to at least save a Small Part of their Dignity.
Note to Wal-Mart; This slogan you're using for the XBox in your commercials, "XBox Games blur the line between Reality and Fantasy."? See, this is why people are claiming that Video Games Are Bad, because some folk supposedly can't differentiate between Fantasy and Reality and thus go play Quake III Arena for real, with real weapons, in Schools and such. While we're smart enough to know better, these knucklehead Parents Organizations looking to ban anything more violent than Chutes And Ladders don't. Could you maybe rethink that little blurb of yours? Thanks.
It's a real shame that, in 2002, we *still* need to warn the Adult Population Of The World that they really shouldn't stare directly into a Solar Eclipse.
Remember, if you accidentally set off the Alarm at your place of business, to make sure that the alarm company notifies the local Police about it being a False Alarm. This is just friendly advice. We did *not* spend most of today recovering from the shock of several police kicking in our door and pointing guns at our head and shouting because some Minimum Wage Bozo forgot to make that important call after we phoned them and gave them the CORRECT SEKRIT PASSWORD THAT LET'S THEM KNOW THAT THIS IS INDEED US CALLING, and we also didn't spend 20 minutes in the hallway getting patted down for weapons while people in other offices looked on and whispered to each other AT ALL.
Balthayzr would like to remind you that, even though you've closed the SCHIZOTRICHIA Window, it will remain active in your taskbar until you plow through all the Options Menus to figure out how to turn it off.