|June 3rd, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Deep Fry The Planet!; Revenge Of The Return Of Even More WWE Stuff; and you should make Crank Calls or the Terrorists WIN!
From our Uh, No Thanks file; GirlScent. Makes a Great Gift for the Perv who has everything!
And no, we're not going to tell you how we stumbled across this. Because we're rather sick about it, ourselves.
Sign That Your Life Probably Hasn't Turned Out For The Best; IF YOU'VE EVER MADE A POST TO A NEWSGROUP IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, LAMBASTING THE SUBJECT MATTER OF SAID NEWSGROUP. For instance, posting a long BILL GATES SUX rant on an XBox newsgroup. Because posting all in caps shows that your very serious about what you're posting, and doesn't pigeonhole you as a raving kook AT ALL.
Sentence Guaranteed To Send The "Letter" You Sent Us Straight To The Circular File; "We are pleased to inform you that you are one of the Select Individuals Chosen to take advantage of this Offer". Ooh, we feel so Special!
Madonna's Pregnant again. And we're always amused when Famous People make Press Releases about having kids, then have Conniption Fits when photogs show up to take pictures of the little nippers.
Let's see if we got this straight. In this Like Mike movie, Lil' Bow Wow or Bow Wow or Beggin' Strips or whatever finds a pair of Michael Jordan's shoes hanging on electric wires. While fetching them down, he's struck by lightning and somehow gains Superhuman Basketball Playing Powers. And we're thinking it'd probably be a lot more fun for the Movie Industry to sell us the drugs they're on when they come up with these film ideas than it is for them to actually go to the trouble of filming their Bad Trips.
There's this goofus out there, whose name we didn't bother to write down, who has actually filed a Lawsuit against the WWE, claiming his business has been called "World Wrestling Entertainment" for years. Which would probably be a *lot* more believable if it wasn't for the fact that this guy supposedly just filed the Business Forms for his WWE a couple of weeks ago...
Actual Job Ad we stumbled across on Monster.Com; "A service accociated with spelling the individual actualizations of each affiliated athlete. the job requires individuals hired to respond to aligations of each adhesive reprituore. with differences in ways of grouping orginizations, each terminal is satisfactory to the way offeratator's responsibilitys." We're assuming this is an ad for a Proofreader.
Or maybe the ad is for a Translator, and you're supposed to bring in an English Translation of this ad as part of the Test.
Note to the News Agencies; No one cares about Tonya Harding any more, unless she's got a set of Boxing Gloves on. Thank you.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2031, Congress will pass the Truth In Public Trials Act. This law will demand that any "Big Time" case that either the Defense or Prosecution attempt to try in the media by having daily press conferences and Press Releases, must also release all details of any "Out Of Court Settlement".
Let's have a small lesson in Capitalism right here; The reason that the Xbox and the PS2 didn't come with the DVD "Controller" needed to play DVDs is because the companies would have had to increase the price of the game units. This is because all DVD Players have built in to their prices a Fee to the Motion Picture Association for income supposedly lost due to people watching DVDs instead of going to the movies (Blank VHS tapes and VCRs have a similar fee built into them). Now, if you already own a DVD Player, you're not going to be using your Game Unit to watch DVDs. Thus, there's no reason for you to have to pay this Extra Fee. Making the DVD Remote a Separate Purchase is basically a way around this Fee Business, allowing people who ain't gonna use their Game Unit as a Player to avoid it, while also allowing people who *will* use it as one to buy the Remote and thus Pay The Fee. Confusing, yes. But this is what idiots like the Motion Picture Association are hoping for, that you'd rather pay the extra cash than go to the trouble of figuring all this out.
But, if you wanna believe that this is some Evil Plot to squeeze even more cash out of poor uninformed consumers, go right ahead. Just place the blame where it belongs, and it ain't necessarily on the Game Unit Manufacturers...
VCR Alert; The History Channel is doing a Special this month called Punishment, that takes a long, loving look at Caning, Electrocution, Beheading, Amputation, and other fun ways to punish Criminals. It'll make a nice tape to bring out when the conversation gets a little slow during the next family Thanksgiving.
So, do you care about the result of the Great Indy 500 Finish Controversy from last month? Neither do we. Next...
Among the scripts purchased by Hollywood Studios last month; The Greatest American Hero, from the 80's series that gave us a syrupy-sweet Theme Song that every Radio Station on Earth played every ten minutes; Charlie Chan, which will be made more Politically Correct by showing Chan as a woman (Lucy Lui,which we're guessing turns this into a chop-socky film);Miami Vice, so we can hear more resident Wits ask how 2 Vice Cops could afford all those expensive suits and cars, and Ocean's Twelve, which might be a sequel to something, but we ain't sure...
And a Moment Of Silence for Mildred Wirt Benson, author of the "Nancy Drew" book series, who passed away last week. Ms. Benson was part of that amazing class of people that sold their Inventions to corporations for pennies, and then sat by as the Corporation made millions off of their hard work. These people are known as Idiots.
Just in case you needed a good reason to throw a Party; This week marks the 50th Anniversary of the Les Paul Guitar.
Jack Black can be on the MTV Awards and all the other TV Shows he wants, as long as it means he'll keep his damn pants on.
Yeah, so 2 women won Tough Enough II instead of a Man and a Woman. We can understand that, because we're thinking there's not a lot of women out there who are decent looking, can wrestle, are willing to go thru Extensive Breast Enhancement Surgery, and will fight Bikini/Lingerie/Mud Wrestling matches 3 days a week, so it's good to grab as many of them as you can.
Is it wrong of us to be amused that the Best Score Winner in this year's Tony Awards went to Urinetown, The Musical?
Is it even more wrong of us that we paid enough attention to the Tonys to come away with that piece of information?
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "Crank Calls are our Nation's Most Valuable and Abundant untapped resource. We hope to inspire young people to reclaim this Time-Honored Art Form" - Jimmy Kimmel, creator of Crank Yankers, that show we mentioned last week where puppets re-enact crank calls. Yeah, that's all we need, another bunch of Jerky Boys wanna-bes taking a message like this seriously and tying up our nation's phone networks by asking local Grocery Stores if they have Prince Albert In A Can.
Then there's this Christopher Sell guy who has a restaurant out in Brooklyn somewhere, who has put on the menu... Deep Fried Twinkies. We kid you not, he deep fries them little cakes and serves them. And people pay him. And then eat them. And then we read more of the article, where we discovered that in his Native land of the UK, people often feast on Deep Fried Candy Bars. Then we had to go have a Lie Down because we were getting Chest Pains just thinking about it...
According to a little Fun Fact making the Email rounds, the Eiffel Tower, due to Heat Expansion, gets 6 inches taller during the summer. And shame on you for what you're thinking right now.
Hole, the band that Courtney "I'm Kurt Colbain's WIDOW, DAMMIT!" Love had something to do with, is breaking up. Probably due to the fact that music fans feel one Yoko Ono is enough, thank you very much.
Note to the AT&T Cable Company; How much would it actually cost to hire a Live Person to do your "We Interrupt This Program For A Severe Weather Alert" voice-overs? Because the "See 'N Say" Robot you've got doing it now just creeps us out to no end.
Sign That Your Life Probably Hasn't Turned Out For The Best; If you've ever posted Racist crapola to a newsgroup or message board because 1) you think you're the next Don Rickles, or 2) you, for some odd reason, think posting Racist Jokes/"(Insert Minority Group Name Here) Men Rape White Woman!" stories is going to make everyone think about Minority Groups the way you do. Because these are the types of things you want out there with your name on them when Prospective Employers feed your name into Google.
TechTV's Techno Games, or Maybe It Won't Look So Much Like A Rip-Off Of "BattleBots" If We Have Some Other Robot Events Like Races And Throwing Things.
Balthayzr figures every TV Station on Earth'll have some form of Robot Fighting by the year's End. Take that as a hint to stay away from any Water Towers.