|May 13th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We discuss ANNA PORN (whoo, watch that web hit meter fly! Thank God for Google, huh?), actually discuss a sign we saw taped up in a gas station window, and neglect to leave the proper amount of SPOILER SPACE.
Insert long rant about Jury Duty here that, at first glance, appears to be a protest about the System, but quickly degenerates into a "I don't WANNA GO!" whinefest.
E! Has Officially announced the end of Talk Soup, the show that took the best bits out of the daily Talk Fests and showed them in a Reader's Digest Meets MST3K Format so you wouldn't have to endure all those shows waiting for the Fight or for The Guest Animal To Piss On The Host. And perhaps it was time for it to go, not only because 99% of the shows it got good footage from have been cancelled, but most of the posts we've read about it's demise have basically said "Huh, was *that* still on? Haven't watched it since John (Original Funny Host) Henson quit.".
Free TV Career Advice; There is NOTHING good, no matter what the Brass of your network says, about moving your TV Show to an After-Midnight Time Slot.
Dan Gillmor, the head of Turner Broadcasting, has a special message for all his viewers; Not watching his Station's ads, when you're watching one of their fine Programs, is Theft (He will allow you the occasional Potty Break. How Nice.). Perhaps someone should inform Mr. Gillmor that the easiest solution to this Moral Dilemma is to just not watch any Turner Stations...
And another quick question or two for Mr. Gillmor; If we watch a movie or TV Show that ends up being a Complete Load, is that Theft from us? Or when you get ahold of some movie that you decide to show 5 times back-to-back-to-back, is this not also Theft?
From our Wow, Hitler Kept A Diary? file; So, Penthouse publishes some 7-year-old pictures, supposedly of Tennis "Star" Anna Kournikova. Then, a woman named Judith Soltesz-Benetton pops out of the woodwork, claiming that they're pics of her sunbathing nude or topless or whatever, and proceeds to sue the bejesus out of Penthouse for them being Unauthorized nudes of her (We haven't seen the pics ourselves. Ten million places on the net to get FREE Porn, and you want us to go buy a magazine?). Now it looks like Anna's gonna jump on the Lawsuit bandwagon, and that Penthouse will have to spend whatever money it'll have left buying back all the copies of this issue. Seriously, what was the Thought Process here? That no one on Earth would ever question these pics, or ask Anna about them? That they'd sell 80 million copies of the magazine, yet the story would stay quiet enough so that no one would be asking questions? Or are we going the Enquirer route, hoping the money we made off the magazine, and all the FREE publicity, would be enough to pay off all the Lawsuits? Or is this the publishers' Last Great Act Of Defiance before the Creditors move in, seeing as how thew mag is millions in debt anyway?
And wouldn't 7-year-old pics put Anna somewhere in the Kiddie Porn pile, anyway?
Penthouse Lawyer Victor Kovner makes the claim "It was not a reckless act — at worst it was an innocent error." Yeah, we can see how publishing unauthorized Nude pics of a celebrity, and not doing any sort of Fact Checking, could be considered an Accident. It's not like any celebs have ever sued over Real or Fake nudes before, right?
Hmmmm. Is there such a thing as knowing Way Too Much About The Porn Business? We'd like to think Not.
"All I can tell you is that right now Penthouse is confident that these pictures are genuine," Penthouse spokesman Michael Moi told CNN a while back. Note that this poor fellah's gonna spend the next couple of months visiting every Talk Show on Earth explaining his little "fib", and that he's also got to explain this story to every potential employer after Penthouse goes Belly-Up. Just a short note for those of you who think the porn Business is The Best Job Ever because you get to stare at nekkid women all day.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: 2009 will see CourtTV finally land Exclusive Rights to show Law And Order and all it's Brethren, NYPD Blue, COPS, and other similarly-themed programs. This will cause a near-collapse of the Cable Industry, with 90% of the Basic Cable Channels having been denied what made up 18 hours of their Daily Schedules.
Actual Sign We Saw While Desperately Trying To Come Up Will Column Filler; "Now Available; Flavored Frozen Slush". Guess it tastes better than that Flavored Gaseous Slush they had last week, huh?
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "While the idea of a new career as a television talk show host has some appeal, it is unlikely to be my next career turn. That's in part because it would be difficult for such a show to be economically viable." - Ex-Prez Bill "Please, ask me my opinion!" Clinton. Translated, we're assuming that means no one want to pay him that $50 million a year he was asking for...
We're also assuming this means that everyone's realized that this show won't attract a lot of viewers, once it became obvious that it wasn't going to be a Political Rant Show or a Discussion Of His Presidency, Especially It's Saucy Scandals, In Great Detail. Not to be a Clinton Basher, but there's a reason why there's not Another Oprah out there; We've already got one, and it's More Than Enough, Thanks.
Sign Your Life Hasn't Quite Turned Out For The Best; If you, on any newsgroup/message board, have assigned yourself the task of following up every Troll Posting with "Please don't feed the trolls", not realizing that this just Feeds The Trolls.
Brian "Kato" Kaelin (Yes, OJ's Kato) has filmed a Pilot called House Guest, where he and a TV crew literally show up unannounced on some poor slob's doorstep and have Kato spend the weekend. Gee, this mean his career in Soft-Core Porn is over? We're so disappointed. And here we had hopes for him and "Buff" Bagwell doing some sort of Buddy Cop series for Late-Night Cinemax...
With the announcement of this Kato-based series, anyone else see the sales of guns for "Home Protection" going up? We sure feel like going and picking up a few...
For Those That Care; Lil' Bow Wow would like to be known as just Bow Wow now. Please update your files accordingly.
Ok, we certainly understand going to the cemetary and leaving flowers or a nice wreath for a lost Loved One. However, if it's Ten Years Later, and you're still going to the Scene Of The Accident to leave flowers, wreaths and/or candles on a wooden crucifix or other Temple-like thing you've built there, we just gotta say that that's a bit creepy. Especially when it located on someone's front lawn. You gotta let it go Sometime, sport.
We were shocked and dismayed by reports that allege that Miss Cleo is not one of the Owner/Operators for "Miss Cleo's Mind and Spirit Psychic Network", and also not a Psychic, but merely...an Actress that 2 Florida guys hired to be a "Memorable Spokesperson". Cripes, IS THERE NOONE LEFT TO BELIEVE IN ANYMORE?
And we hereby call a Moratorium on people reading stories where "Psychics" get in trouble, like Dionne Warwick getting busted for Pot Possession, and saying "They should have seen it coming, huh? Being Psychic and all...".
We also call for people to learn once and for all that it's Moratorium, not Moritorium. Because our spell-checker don't have that word in it, and we found it spelled both ways feeding it into Search Engines. Sometimes you guys are no help at all...
Tom Cruise is reportedly making plans to remake War Of The Worlds. This might be a good time to brush up on your Xenu/Battlefield Earth bits, kiddies. Be the first in your Newsgroup!
Just in time for Father's Day Gift Giving, Nepal Tourism Official Shankar Koirala has announced that Katmandu is SLASHING PRICES on climbing Mount Everest. Lone climbers now pay only $24,000, down from the $70,000 fee charged earlier. You still have to pay the $500-$5000 Clean-Up Fee, however, so budget accordingly.
Okay, try to follow along with us here, because we had to read this half a dozen times before our brain managed to accept it: Ellis Rubin, a Florida Attorney, is involved in a case involving a 17-year-old boy and his role in the drowning death of a 5-year-old. Also involved in this story are a 9-year-old and 10-year-old boy, who at this time are considered either witnesses or co-defendants, depending on what news source you read. Now, the confusing part comes from the fact that this lawyer wants to blame the whole thing on Pro-Wrestling. Seems the theory is that two of the boys were talking about wrestling and they supposedly wouldn't have wound up near the water if the kids hadn't been "imitating The Rock". Thus, if not for Pro Wrestling, the boy wouldn't have been near the canal where he was pushed in and drowned. So, this Lawyer wants to actually subpoena The Rock as some sort of Expert Witness in this mess. Feel free to sue this guy for a new monitor now that you've spit whatever you were drinking all over your old one after reading this defense...
And a Moment Of Silence for Weakest Link, which has been reported "shelved" by NBC. Which is a damn dirty shame, because we're Big Fans of quiz shows that aren't afraid to march Celebs onto their stages and show them for the uninformed idiots most of them are.
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "Those mindless idiots who post major spoilers are just friendless movie geeks begging for attention!" - self-professed Film Fan Rolf Crozier, in an e-mail to a Fox News Survey about movie sites like Ain't-It-Cool News. So, what does it say about folks who see that some post contains a spoiler, and somehow can't stop himself from reading it? Or, if you really don't want any info about an Upcoming Movie, why not just avoid any of the Geekdom sites out there? Ain't like someone's running up and down the street outside your house screaming quotes from these web sites, goofball.
And by the way; The Green Goblin dies at the end of Spider-Man. So there.
And Now, A Small Public Service Announcement; Please, PLEASE, don't go running out to buy several dozen copies of the "ANNA Nude!" Issue of Penthouse, thinking you're gonna clean up by auctioning them on EBay. Because there's several hundred folk out there with the same exact idea, flooding the market as we speak. Just ask anyone who bought all the Different Covers of any Comic Book back in the 90's.
Balthayzr would also like to point out that Anakin Skywalker gets his arm chopped off in Episode II. Nyaah nyaah.