|May 20th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Enough people were polite enough to die to pad this week's column out nicely, the World's Weirdos come out from under their rocks to help pad out the rest, and the Videogame people break out the Crystal Meth during development meetings.
From our I Learned This While Looking For Them Illuminati Symbols file; Hidden Pictures On The New $20 Bill. Uh huh. Should we be amused or alarmed by the fact that the way you fold the 20 to see the picture kinda looks like the guy was halfway done folding a tinfoil hat?
Excuse us a second. We're required by Law to mention Episode II at least once. OK, all done.
Buzzword Of The Moment; "Agenda". Used when someone disagrees with something you believe in, and you can't come up with a decent argument to defend your position. "I'm not going to discuss my stand on Britney Spears with you, because you've got some sort of anti-Britney Agenda going.".
Rumors are floating around the internet that TNN is not only doing it's own version of "Adult Swim", but that one of the new shows will be...Ren And Stimpy! Directed by John K Himself! And while part of us is silently singing "Happy Happy Joy Joy", another, larger part of us is remembering the horror of Ripping Friends and his 2 Yogi Bear cartoons...
Note to the WWE; *That's* the best angle you could come up with for Tommy Dreamer? That he consumes weird stuff like Freshly Cut Hair and Water From Public Toilets? Exactly when did John Waters start contributing Script Ideas?
Second Note to the WWE: We don't really know why, but everytime we hear these "We're the WWE Now!" commercials, we're reminded of these little local wrestling Organizations that hold events in School Gyms and advertise "Former WWF Wrestlers" like Repo Man and The Goon. You know, where they try to make themselves look as close to the WWF as possible without alerting any Lawyers.
Remember the "great" invention PB&J Slices, which were slices of Peanut Butter and Jelly that busy parents could just unwrap and place on a piece of bread? Now, we see Pre-Made Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwiches sold in bulk at the Sam's Club. What the hell for, for people too stupid or lazy to figure out the PB&J Slices? Why don't we just sell them pre-chewed to save the kiddies Time and Tooth Wear?
Time To Dump The TechTV Stocks, Part II; They've picked up "Newly Restored" episodes of Thunderbirds. Well, if it means less reruns of Call For Help and it's voice-like-nails-on-a-chalkboard host...
And here's something a little odd; TechTV seems to have taken the "Information About Our Hosts" part of their website down, or just hidden it real well. Guess they got tired of re-doing it every Friday after the weekly "Reorganizations".
A Moment Of Silence for Davey Boy "British Bulldog" Smith, who died of a heart attack at the age of 39, which we're *sure* had nothing to do with the fact that he was 'roided 8 Ways To Sunday for most of his wrestling career...
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Nationally Syndicated Cartoonist will protest the Recycled Punchline Act Of 2022, which will forbid the use of any Overused Gag in any Comic Strip. Among those forbidden; I Hate Mondays; Women's Swimsuits; Bad Cafeteria/Airline Food; Lazy Husbands; Shopaholic/Bad Driving Women; Children With Wisdom Beyond Their Years. The protest will grow in earnest the following year when the law is also applied to Online "Humor" Columns...
"Buy The Special Edition DVD Today!" :translation: "We don't quite have the Next Big Thing In Home Movie Viewing ready yet, so the only way we could thing of to make you buy the same movies all over again was to add a couple of Interviews With The Stars and call it a "Special Edition.".
Remember, you're not Officially "kewl" until you've posted your Stephen Jay Gould Eulogy to your favorite Newsgroup/Message Board.
PETA has asked that Schools not call their sports teams "Packers", since the name is based on eeeeevil Meat Packers. Instead, PETA asks that they re-name the teams to "Pickers", which brings to mind a "healthier, plant-based diet". Might we instead suggest the "Nit-Pickers", which would bring to mind idiots that waste time and money fussing about the names of Sports Teams when there's people starving and dying and being repressed all over the world. .
Then again, starvation and repression aren't cured with a couple of whiny form letters and ten people holding picket signs in front of local news cameras, so maybe we see their point a bit...
Coming to a Theatre Near You this Christmas; Max, which features John Cusack as Max Rothman, a German Jewish art dealer that takes on a new Apprentice; A Teen-aged Adolph Hitler. Seems we learn in this little tear-jerker how Hitler went from being a social misfit to a Wacky Megalomaniac. We love the part where Lions Gate Films defends Hitler's anti-Jewish speeches in this film by claiming that most of the people who worked on the film are Jewish. Which to us kinda sounds like the bit where people say "Some of my Best friends are Black/Indian/Mexican".
Why are you sitting here reading this when "Sex-O-Rama 2: Classic Adult Film Music" AND "Deep Note: Music of 1970s Adult Cinema" CDs are both available for purchase as a Set at Amazon.com?
A Moment Of Silence for 3 more Wrestling Deaths we missed; Alex Rizzo, who wrestled as Big Dick Dudley (there were about 600 "Dudley Boyz" in ECW at it's Prime), Erich Kulas (aka Mass Transit, a "big" name in the Independent Wrestling Scene) and Randy "Pee Wee"Anderson, WCW Referee. So, get ready for some Investigative Reporter to do some pin-headed "Expose" on how A Career In Pro Wrestling Kills People, And Who The Families Can Sue Over It.
Bush Knew! Bush Didn't Know! Congress Knew! It's All Clinton's Fault! The White House Receives Millions of these threats Every Day! There, we just saved you the trouble of plowing through the various political newsgroups, message boards and web sites. We'll take our payment in 20 dollar bills, please, so we can fold them all looking for Sekrit Piktures...
Actual Videogame Coming Soon; WWE Crush Hour, which has been described as "Twisted Metal Meets Wrestling". Supposedly it includes Ladder and Hardcore Matches. Uh huh. Between this, and the forthcoming Simpsons Skateboarding game, we're about ready to bust out the Atari 2600 Emulator again...
A guy in Indiana was busted for carrying a grenade into a Courthouse. His excuse? He wanted to see if it was legal to carry a grenade, and this was the only way he could think of to find out. Because, of course, just calling your Local Police Station and asking don't get yer picture in the paper, you know.
Politically Incorrect has finally bitten the dust. And we think it's less about Bill Maher's post 9/11 remarks, than it was about the fact that people tired of a show featuring celebs parroting the party line of whatever party they belonged to, and pretending it was a Political "Opinion".
Of course, get ready for your E-mail Inbox and favorite Message Boards to be deluged with "The Gummint got Maher CANCELLED 'cuz he told the TRUTH!" rantings...
We're not sure which is scarier; That there's actually a Celebrity Boxing II coming, or that we're actually kinda interested in seeing Horshack beat the hell out of Screech.
Fox quickly disposed of That 80's Show. Which is a shame, because we were hoping the trend would continue until they made a retro show about this decade, so we could see just what the hell we're supposed to call it. That Turn-Of-The-Millenium Show? That Aughts Show? That Zeroes Show?
Sign Your Life Might Not Have Turned Out The Way You've Planned; If you've ever programmed a Java Applet for your Fanboy Web Site that counts down the days, hours, minutes and seconds until a Movie/Videogame/DVD is released, and you don't work for the company that's releasing it.
And Yet Another Moment Of Silence For Dave Berg, MAD Magazine Artist responsible for the Lighter Side Of... articles that were one of the last amusing things left in the magazine. And The First People Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes are the wits that ask if he has any connection to the David Berg Hot Dog Company...
Undercover Brother, or It's A Blaxploitation Version Of Austin Powers! That Way, We Can Do Racist Gags And Not Catch Heat For Them!.
Ya know, maybe Wrestling would be a little more believable if it wasn't for the fact that Security and Refs stand around when the Bad Guy is kicking the crap out of someone, but leap in to restore Order as soon as the Good Guy fights back...
Balthayzr is out buying a pack of blank Video Tapes, because ABC Family Channel is gonna show the original 60's Spider-Man cartoons! Whoo-Hoo!