|June 17th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The Rattlesnake bites the hand that feeds it, Love is not only a Battlefield, but a Crime Scene, and we find religion just long enough to pad out a column with a lot of stuff Saint Peter is gonna toss back in our face someday.
People Best Avoided: "Friends" who give you idiotic advice on how, if you're Innocent and you know you're Innocent, the Police can't do anything to you, so feel free to Drive Away/Slam The Door In Their Face/Tell Them To Fuck Off. These are most probably the same type of people who'll tell you that you don't need to pay Income Taxes, or get a License To Drive...
Subaru of America has taken a commercial off the air that featured a Mother And Daughter looking for a good place to release a rabbit back into the wild. Seems Bunny Lovers (Yes, thats what they call themselves) protested that the WRONG TYPE OF RABBIT was used, a tame Domestic Rabbit, instead of a Wild Cottontail. So, by releasing the Domestic Rabbit into the wild, they were dooming it to a slow, painful death, because it doesn't have any survival skills. Geez, people starving and dying of disease all over the world, India and Pakistan waving their nuclear Dicks at each other, Usama supposedly planning more Mischief, and we've got a group of people crying about a BUNNY in a COMMERCIAL?
TNN's Slam Ball, or What Happens When You Let The Team Mascot Design A New Extreme Sport.
Note to the M&M Company; That's the way to sell more Product. Show your Mascot smothering to death inside a forgotten Valentine Gift Box. Makes us Crave Sweets, and how.
One word that insures that we're probably not gonna finish the Document In Question, because it's going to be something Mind-numbingly Politically Correct; "Self-Esteem".
A power failure caused Britney Spears to cancel her concert in Lubbock Texas last Friday, causing her to get booed off the stage. Thus showing once again that, occasionally, God shows us how much He loves us.
For those of you who feel that you're *just* not going to Hell quite fast enough, enjoy Jesus Of The Week, which finds people that look like, or claim to be, Jesus. And also find Special Guest Appearances by Himself in other media, like Mexican Wrestling Films.
And now that you've mad God Cry, you can make it up to him by visiting Catholic Shopper and purchasing many statues of Jesus enjoying activities with young children. No fair making any sort of naughty joke about the way Jesus is teaching the youngster to handle a bat in the "Baseball" statue.
Also, you might want to re-think buying any of these as gifts for your local Catholic Priest.
Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course; or We Couldn't Get Paul Hogan To Do Another "Dundee" Movie, And Besides This Guy Works A Lot Cheaper.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2038, the Licensing Laws Act is passed. This Act will proclaim that, from Jan 1st 2039 onward, any new Law Passed is not permanently on the books. Instead, after one year, the Positive and Negative effects that this new Law has had on Society will be debated in order to decide whether or not to renew the law's "License" for another year. Not only will this Act make it easier for America to rid itself of idiotic regulations, but will keep Politicians too busy to create any more Resolutions declaring Official State Reptiles, new names for Local Roads, and maybe perhaps even any other unneeded New Laws.
By the way, it's SIR Mick Jagger now. Wouldn't want you ending up locked in the Tower Of London for not showing proper respect or anything.
Someone really needs to publish the exact requirements for becoming Knighted By The Queen. Sure as hell would make a better gift than a Randomly Chosen Article Of Clothing, wouldn't it? ("The enclosed certificate entitles the Bearer to one Free Knighting at the British Tourist Trap of his/her choice!").
So, it turns out that the Colorado fires were set by Forest Service worker Terry Barton. Seems she was *so* upset by a letter she received from her Estranged Husband that she burned the letter in question in an area she was supposedly patrolling, looking out for idiots with campfires. Who wants to take bets that somewhere, someone is mounting a defense somehow blaming the Husband for this?
Oh, and note for Ms. Barton; Yes, you were the hero who claims to have first discovered the fire and heroically tried to put it out. Shame you don't read any Statistics on Arson, where it reveals that in 98% of these cases, the person who "discovers" the fire is the mope that set it.
And we're sure there's a reason why the Walt Disney Company has decided to Punish Us For Our Sins by releasing a Live-Action version of Underdog, and they're gonna have to shout it pretty loud for us to hear it all the way on top of that Water Tower. Plus the gunshots are gonna drown it out a bit, too...
We're not sure we like the idea that Large, Devo-Like men working for Great Clips are wandering the streets and kidnapping people that they thing need new hair-dos.
And is it too late in the day to ask Cingular Wireless what the hell Spiderman has to do with cell phones? Is there a scene on the cutting-room floor where Spidey and the Green Goblin leave threatening messages on each others' Voice Mail, or something?
Actual blurb on the box containing a Norman Osborn And His Easy Chair With Green Goblin Mask Action Figure (Somewhat paraphrased because we didn't actually buy the damn thing); "Green Goblin Mask fits on figure's lap when he is seated in Chair!" WOW! Imagine all the engineering skills it took to not only make this figure sit in a chair, but make his lap large enough to hold a MASK!
Of course, we can't blame them too much. After all, how do you make an action figure of a guy and his large, comfy chair exciting?
And a Moment Of Silence for Robbin Crosby, one of the guys from the Pretend Metal Band RATT, who passed away from AIDS-related illnesses last week at the age of 42. Thus once again showing that maybe taking metric tons of drugs from strangers and sleeping with 10 groupies at a time every night maybe isn't the most healthy lifestyle.
So, the Sci-Fi Channel doesn't have room on it's Schedule for MST3K, but they can pay William "Priceline Who?" Shatner to host showings of Direct-To-Video Full Moon Entertainment films?
And a Moment Of Silence for Herman Cohen, who passed away last week at 76. Mr. Cohen gave the world such wonderful gifts as I Was A Teenage WereWolf and I Was A Teenage Frankenstein, thus opening up the marvelous Teen Horror genre that gave birth to MST3K, Elvira's Cleavage, and other entertaining things. Godspeed to you, sir.
Hmmm, we must have missed the issue of Martha Stewart's Living where she taught us how to do Insider Trading with items found around the home, like a good friend that's a big muckity-muck in a major corporation. We've all got one of those collecting dust in the back of our closets, don't we?
How To Ruin A Big WWE Career, By Steve Austin, Part One; Walk out of Live Shows a few times, because you're basically pouting over the direction of your "character", and keep thinking that the fact that the audience chants your catchphrase gives you enough Stroke to be constantly forgiven and taken back.
How To Ruin A Big WWE Career, By Steve Austin, Part Two: Allegedly beat your wife so much that she calls the cops out of fear for her life, at a time when your Company is struggling with claims that the "sport" makes young people violent.
Oh, and news flash, Steve Austin; The WWE hasn't fired you. They've taken you off the Active Roster. Means you ain't gonna wrestle for the WWE, or any other Wrestling Organization On Earth, until your Contract Expires. Unless you come crawling back and apologize, have fun fighting "Chyna" for working space at the Autograph Tables at the local Auto Shows.
Bit of trivial that our local papers have been hammering down our throats all weekend, publishing it in All editions since Saturday; That story about how EBay started as a place for the founder's wife to meet and trade with fellow Pez collectors? Turns out it's a bunch of bull-hooey. Seems the original story, that the guy decided an online auction site was a Good Idea, wasn't "cute" enough for reporters, so he made this tale up. We're sure someone cares, somewhere. Maybe it'll come in handy during the Drunken Bar Bet part of your weekend.
And yet another Moment Of Silence for Bill Blass, one of the people responsible for those damn $200 pairs of pants that were different from the $15 pants in only that they had a tag with his name on them, thus paving the way for the scam where we pay 10 times what something is worth just because some famous person signed a piece of paper allowing his signature to be silk-screened onto the item. Of course, no one *forces* anyone to buy this stuff, but this is a country where we have to make laws telling people not to watch TV while they drive. Guess we're just bitter because no one we're related to thought of this scam first.
Balthayzr didn't start the fire. No, he didn't light it, but he tried to fight it.