|June 24th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Amy Fisher News without all the annoying "Buttafuoco" jokes, The Taliban introduces their new Threats On Tape series, and another Sex Study that someone actually applied for money for with a Straight Face.
From our Insert Witty "When Animals Attack" Bit Here; The feminist Organization "No Status Quo" is asking that all good feminists boycott PETA, because they claim PETA's anti-fur ads perpetuate Female Stereotypes. Thus showing that, no matter how good your Intentions, there's gonna be some goofball out there who's going to take offense to what you've said, or how you've said it, or the person you've picked to open your mail, or something. Your best bet being, of course, to just carry on and not react to these types of morons, because it just encourages them.
Speaking of Political Correctness gone wrong; Experts are now hinting that the reason the Western Wildfires are so out of control is because Environmentalists wouldn't let them thin out the forests, thus leaving more fuel for these fires to become Wildfires. It probably would be very catty for us to point out that 99.99% of these Environmentalists don't live in the Arizona/Colorado area, and thus were never in danger of losing their houses and property to Fires...
Sign Your Life Probably Hasn't Turned Out For The Best; If you've actually had a serious argument with someone over whether a foreign movie is better Dubbed or Subtitled.
Aren't we way overdue for an announcement/threat from the guys who make the Beanie Babies about Retiring The Series again?
And a special note to all you Evil Pirates out there; Rumor has it that the Harry Potter DVD does *not* have Macrovision Protection on it, as a "test" to see if it gets Pirated enough to affect Sales. So, if you're caught making bootlegs of this, you can just say you're helping Warner Bros. out with their tests.
From our Hey, Sounds Like A Good Excuse To Us file; Take note of This little Salon Tale, in which a group of researchers attempt to prove that Human Semen Somehow Cures Depression And Other Ills. Besides all the jokes about Volunteering for the next rounds of tests, one has to ask; what did they use as a Control Group? Women who Spit? Men who've had Vasectomies? Brave men willing to not "finish" and thus suffer Blue Balls For Science?
Just remember, you're not "kewl" unless you say "Three-dub" instead of "www" when giving someone a Web Address. Wouldn't want you getting dirty looks down at the Internet Cafe, would we?
How To Write A Rap/Hip-Hop Song, Part One; Include lyrics claiming "The Man" is out to Get You (The Artist). "The Man" doesn't have to be the Police, but can be The FCC, any organized Religious or Parent Organization, or even your own Record Label. Hint in your lyrics that you battled mightily against these Evil Forces just for The Sake Of Your Fans.
How To Write A Rap/Hip-Hop Song, Part Two; You must make fun of a fellow Performer, preferably either a former Partner, or someone who works for your Old Label. For instance, if your "enemy" is over 26, claim they Should Retire Because They're Old. If they haven't had a new song hit the top ten in 2 weeks, Claim they're Old School and everyone hates them now. If your songs sound even remotely alike, claim they're Ripping You Off.
How To Write A "Humor" Column, Part 421; If you're a White Guy, do bits about The Rap Industry, even if they're 10-year-old crapola that every Stand-Up Comic On Earth has done before. If you're a Black Guy, make fun of White Guys who talk about, or even listen to, Rap. People still find these amusing, honest. Really.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2052, after numerous attempts to Polish And Refine the Entertainment Ratings System, almost every major Movie and Television Station in the US goes out of business within Months of each other. The problem is discovered to be that the new Ratings Systems, in an attempt to warn Parents about everything in a movie or TV show that could possibly Scar Their Children For Life, are now so detailed and lengthy that, by the time Parents are through reading through them and consent to let the Kiddies see it, the Movie/TV Show in question has been gone for months due to Low Viewership.
And a Moment Of Silence For Ann Landers, who passed on last weekend at about 190. And here's to a woman who actually made a living getting Complete Strangers To Write To Her About Completely Personal Problems, Knowing These Letters Would Be Published In a Nationally Syndicated Column, Where They Would Bring Endless Amusement To Others ("Dear Ann; My Wife keeps bringing home Lingerie Models and insists I sleep with 3 of them and her at the same time, but I find this interferes with my knitting of Prayer Rugs. What Should I do?") Ann also gets a bonus point for making Agony Columns so popular that they inspired such fine publications as Penthouse to do similar, but naughtier, versions, thus giving Birth to Penthouse Letters and Forum and other things that We Honestly Don't Read, Ever.
Yes, we're well aware that Ann Landers wasn't her Real Name, but the name of the woman who had the column before her. Why don't you go impress someone else with your ability to memorize all the cards out of all 25 versions of Trivial Pursuit, OK?
And a Moment Of Silence for Darryl Kyle, pitcher for the Cincinnati Cardinals, who died at a heart attack at the scary age of 33. Turns out just about every male on his side of the family has died of a grabber somewhere in his early-to-mid 40's. If we had a family history like that, we'd try to find a way to permanently move into a Heart-Check America Clinic so we could have that there Heart Scan like every 10 minutes.
We especially enjoyed the News Reports that said a "small amount of what is thought to be marijuana was found next to his bed, but investigators are almost sure that it had nothing to do with his death." Uh, then why bring it up? Not like he's going to jail for it now, is he?
And considering he supposedly just had a team Spring Training physical just a couple of months ago, who else smells a Major Lawsuit?
Best Sign Seen At RAW; "Walkout 3:16".
So now news comes out that the Parents of the 14-year-old Girl seen on the R.Kelly Tape (Still available at Fine Flea markets Everywhere) knew Mr. Kelly was fooling around with their daughter, but allowed her to keep seeing him. And it's important that everyone know facts like this, because Lord knows the Newsgroup and Talk Radio Pundits need someone else to blame for all this besides poor, innocent, duped Mr. Kelly...
So this new audiotape, supposedly a "Press Release" from the Taliban, makes claim that Bin Laden is still alive and kicking, and his various Organizations still have 98% of their membership Alive and ready to go out and do more Naughty Things. Now, seriously, why are we so surprised that this tape would make such claims? Did we actually expect "Boy, you kicked our hineys but good! Anyone still alive, we converted to Christianity and are busy applying for McDonald's franchises! Could we write you a check for all that stuff we broke?".
Billy Joel last week checked into a Psychiatric and Chemical Dependency clinic for what was listed as "Personal Reasons". And he gets a Brownie Point for not saying "Exhaustion", or the "I got Addicted to Pain Pills after an Accident, so it's not my fault." excuse.
Rumor has it that Billy Bob Thorton and Angelina Jolie might be breaking up. Besides the fact that this is bad news for all the Illegal Baby Adoption Rings out there, it means that now we've got these two, shall we say, Sexual Side Shows out wandering the streets, looking for someone to Practice On. Seriously, Little Angie has admitted on various occasions that she enjoys taking Knives to bed. These two need Warning Labels attached to them before some poor soul sees them coming thru the dark Bedroom with a Ginsu set and reaches for their Guns.
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "This is about the Big Picture. This is not about me and Bernie... It's Divide and Conquer. 1 of these shows will fail, it might even be Both." - Damon Wayans, claiming that Fox's decision to put The Bernie Mac Show on opposite Damon's My Wife And Kids is part of some sort of Racist Plot to rid TV of at least one of these shows. And we can see where Fox is at fault, not consulting with the Star of an ABC show before moving around shows on it's Schedule.
The voting is over, and Purple is the new M&M Color. So please get all your "Other Colors Demand Recount" jokes out of your system now.
So, at what point do we start seeing the Letters To The Editor blaming Bush/Clinton/Reagan/Congress for the Southwestern Wildfires?
"If she wasn't able to write, we wouldn't have her do this column. We were very, very surprised. The Amy Fisher we found was a little different than the 16-year-old girl that we remember." - Robbie Woliver, editor-in-chief of The New Island Ear, which has hired Amy "Long Island Lolita" Fisher to do a twice-weekly column based purely on her writing ability, and not because her name was on the front page of every Newspaper in the US at one point and they're hoping that the same type of people who stop their cars to gape at car accidents will subscribe to their little paper to enjoy Ms. Fisher's Prose.
Supposedly, the column is going to be about Whatever Thought Comes Into Ms. Fisher's Head. No word on what's going to run in the space the other 51 weeks of the year. Maybe Sherman's Lagoon.
No one really wants to hear about your little experiment where you fed something goofy into Google and yet still got Results.
This month marks the 250th Anniversary of Ben Franklin's Famous Kite-Flying experiment where he Discovered Electricity. Meaning we're due for a bunch of spoil-sport articles where Learned Historians make claims that he never did it, or someone else did it first, or everyone already knew about Electricity...
Sign Your Life Probably Hasn't Turned Out For The Best; If your name ends up as part of a TV News Story Logo. Especially if the logo in question has Official Solemn TV News Music playing over it.
Balthayzr has never typed his name into Google. Ever. Altavista, yes. Not Google.