|September 2nd, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: September 11th is coming up, so be sure to stock up on lots of Patriotic Flag-Themed goodies and Coffee-table histories of the World Trade Center; we wonder what's going on in the mind of Guys with mysterious white liquid squirted all over their faces; and we give relationship advice to people who are surfing the Internet at 3AM when They Could Be Dating.
Insert your favorite "Why do we get the day off of work on Labor Day?" bit here.
Wonder how "funny" that "Teen vs. Acne Boxing Match" Clearasil commercial would be if it was some good-looking guy boxing a Big Fat Woman?
Note to WWE's Jeff Hardy; What *is* with the Fluorescent Paint all over your face and arms during your entrances? It doesn't make you look more "extreme". It makes you look like you were drinking out of the Milk Carton and sneezed.
Please, PLEASE, tell us we didn't see an ad for Baby Looney Tunes on Cartoon Network. We thought we got all this "Baby Versions count as New Characters To The Trademark People" crapola out of our systems in the 80's.
What happened, Spielberg clean out a closet and find a bunch of unused Tiny Toons scripts? This some kind of "See If You Can Draw Porky Pig" contest for fledgling animators in preparation of the new "extreme" Theatrical Animated Shorts coming out soon, like we get promised every 5 years or so?
Note to the 1-800 people; Undercover Brother, at least the movie version, is long gone. Let the Dead rest in peace .
Line of the Night on RAW: "I wish I had a swing like that in my backyard." - Jerry Lawler, looking at the legs of a lingerie-clad Stacy Kiebler. Yeah, it's an old joke, but you've got to admire a guy who's a Dirty Old Man and just goes with it.
C'mon, this is a guy who's personal web site consisted of semi-nude pics of his decades-younger-than-him Now-Ex-wife. God Bless You, Sir.
And no, you weren't the only one surprised when Sony announced this past week the end of the Production Run on the Betamax VCRs. Question is, the final run is reportedly 2000 units. Meaning they expect to sell 2000 units. And you have to wonder to who? Underground Porno traders, because the tapes are smaller and thus cost less cash to mail? The type of electronic geek that scours Ebay looking for Mint Condition Odyssey 2 Game Units to add to his collection?
The happiest day in a person's life has to be when someone looks at them and says "You are just one sick, twisted fuck, you know that?".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next Great Reality Show will be a series about a group of Network Executives planning out their next Great Reality Show, with viewers allowed to cast votes on which ideas get Vetoed. The winner will be called Inform The Family, a show in which a camera crew follows ER doctors, Police Men, and other Bearers Of Bad News as they inform some poor family member that a Loved One Has Passed On.
90% of people's problems could most probably be avoided if they'd just SPEAK UP. Tell people how you feel about how they treat you. Learn to say NO. If something is unsatisfactory, tell whoever's responsible. Sitting on it just gets you even *more* pissed, meaning you'll probably take it out on some poor innocent idiot.
9/11 - The Day America Will Never Forget. Because the damned TV Networks wouldn't dare *let* us. Not when they can easily fill a Prime Time hour with cheap amateur footage and interviews with local New Yorkers about What They Were Doing That Dark Day.
In all seriousness, we're half-expecting to tune into Animal Planet and see some 3-hour documentary on how the WTC collapse affected the local Rat Population.
Not that we should forget. There's just this fine line between "remembering" and "whoring". Especially when the "whoring" is available on VHS and DVD for 50 bucks plus shipping and handling, and you Must Not Love Your Country if you don't buy enough copies for Xmas Gift Giving.
And speaking of, Note to BBC America; Haven't you worn out that tape of that Diana Remembrance yet? Damn thing has been shown more times than a New TNT Original.
"You're leaving evidence of your activities on the internet! Download our software to erase your trails NOW!!" One guesses this works, seeing as how it's hard for a broken, virus-ridden computer to surf the net and thus leave "trails".
Note to Chili's: Yeah, we'll eat at your restaurant every day if that means you'll be using the cash to strand more Boy Bands on remote desert islands.
We'll even leave huge tips if you keep dropping the large wooden crates of Baby Back Ribs on them, as well.
Please tell us we did *not* actually sit there on the couch and watch Anna Nicole Shamu argue with her girlfriend for 10 minutes about the rules of Slugbug on The Anna Nicole Show. Because if it's come to that, it's really time we started scouting out those water towers.
We are just so completely shocked that American Idol turned out to be another Survivor-style "Who Gets The Boot This Week, And Can We Get A Shot Of Them Crying" show. Because, of course, we were completely expecting a good old fashioned Talent Show.
By the by, who's shocked that the "losers" are also getting Recording contracts (think it was in their contract to get one, which is why they probably didn't go Postal when they discovered the cameras capturing them crying their eyes out on TV, or why none are suing for "Emotional Distress"?), and that a country-wide Reunion Tour, Complete DVD Of The Performances, and a Guide To The Contestants Book are also winging their way toward you just in time for Holiday Gift Giving? Remember the AOL Keyword, "Whoring".
Take it from someone who's been there, fellas; If you open the fridge, and you see something treat-wise that YOU DON'T REMEMBER BUYING, LEAVE IT ALONE. Because True Hell is being awoken at 6AM By an extremely pissed-off wife screaming something about chocolate-covered cherries.
As a side-note, never, EVER eat the Last One, or The Last Bit, Of Something. Better to get the "Oh, didn't you like this, you let the last of it go bad, I won't buy it for you anymore" lecture than the "I was SAVING THAT" screech-fest.
Incoming Clue Alert; If you have a Big Purple Mohawk, 8 earrings in each ear, multiple piercings, see-thru clothing, or other Body Adornments Out Of The Norm, don't give people this crapola about Being An Individual With An Individual Style. You did it to become the center of attention. So don't get all pissy when you discover that being the center of attention involves answering a lot of dumb questions about How Much It Hurt or How Much It Cost or Does Your Mother Know You Left The House Looking Like That.
New Reality Series That, Honest To God, Is Coming To A TV Near You; An as yet unnamed Update to The Beverly Hillbillies, where some dirt-poor folk who still walk across the back yard with the Sears catalogue to a small shed when they feel Nature Calling, will be given a Large Mansion Full Of Cameras so we can watch the hilarity as they crap in the decorative outdoor fountains and drink out of the funny Indoor Well sitting by the bathtub.
Another New Reality Series That, Honest To God, Is Coming To A TV Near You; Having heard about the above wondrous idea, a rival network has decided to Update Green Acres, by taking a couple of rich folk who throw away their Limos when they get dirty, and putting them in a Farmhouse Full Of Cameras and then watch the fun as they fatally injure themselves on the tractor and pump the cow's tail up and down in order to get milk out of it. As long as we're taking old TV Shows and making Reality Series out of them, might we suggest Batman, where they give some poor sap a pair of blue long johns and send him out in the street to beat up on crooks? Or how about My Mother The Car, where they simulate the series by locking the Player's Mom in the Trunk for a week?
Also coming soon to your TV; Celebrity Boot Camp, where Mr. T-level has-beens and never-wases get put thru the ringer for our enjoyment. And one has to ask; what does this do for their careers, exactly? Do they think some talent agent is going to call up, saying "You know, the way you expressed your disgust when you got stuck with Latrine Duty, spoke to me. When can you get down here to sign this multi-picture Acting and Directing deal?"?
Note to the WWE; The "Kane-aroonie"? Is it some unwritten Law that every Monster Heel in the company has to go thru some "Lovable Goofball" persona at least once? Worked out *real* well for the Big Show.
Balthayzr plans to celebrate 9/11 tastefully; by drinking lots of Manhattans until he collapses.