|July 15th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We make fun of the Handicapped, then make fun of Dead Midgets, then make a few tasteless AIDS comments. Because we believe a day when you don't piss off some self-righteous person in a day Wasted.
Edward Law, an Orlando Florida quadriplegic, is suing an Orlando-area Adult Nightclub because the Lap dance Room has no wheelchair access. Pardon us for a rather unfeeling comment, but exactly how much fun is a Lap dance for someone who has no feeling in his lap?
We also note that Mr. Law has, in the past, sued another Adult nightclub, a restaurant, and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle shop. So, who out there thinks that Mr. Law's hobby consists of going from Place Of Business to Place Of Business, checking for wheelchair access, and then suing the pants off the owners when he doesn't find any?
All in the name of The Rights Of The Disabled, of course. We're sure he doesn't make a dime off any of these lawsuits.
And it just wouldn't be summer without yet another "announcement" of someone doing a Aliens vs. Predator movie. This time from filmmaker Paul Anderson, who made the Resident Evil film that was out for about a day and a half not long ago.
Ben Curtis, the "Dell Dude" has been "punished" by the Screen Actors Guild for acting parts he did during the Actors Strike a couple of years ago. We're sorry to report that the Death Penalty or Life Imprisonment were never even considered.
Note to the Snapple Company; We have no intention of drinking Possessed Beverages. Even ones that Breakdance, TP houses, and do other fun things you show these Demonic Bottles doing in your commercials.
Reports are floating around that Pamela Anderson is preggers with Kid Rock's child. And what's really good about this is that they won't have to have a baby shower, because Kid Rock probably still has boxes full of ex-band mascot Joe C's clothes that'll probably fit a new kid almost perfectly.
People Among The First Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; People who insist on telling us that it's "A great/wonder/fantastic day at (insert business name here), how may I help you?" when answering the phone. Exactly why do we care about you, personally, having a Great Day? Do the prices of your company's product/services fluctuate with the mood of the employees, and the greeting is some sort of indication of todays Mark-ups or Discounts?
People Among The First Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes; People who answer the phone at businesses with some 500-word-a-minute speech outlining the Specials they have that day ("Hello-This-Is-Video-Game-Heaven-Would-You-Like-To-Preorder-Doom-Three-Today-My-Name-Is-Paul-How-May-I-Help-You?*gasp*"). When they post ads for these types of jobs, do they include the line "Experience as a Tobacco Auctioneer A Plus?".
That's right, we said Tobacco Auctioneer. Watch for future columns where we break out our hilarious Gas Ration Books and Victory Garden bits! Whoo-Hoo!
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The development of the Googolbyte Drive, capable of holding thousands of billions of megabytes on a regular-sized Hard Drive, will come about not because of the demands of Digital Video, MP3 Collectors, or Porn Websites, but because people need room for their Sims game, it's 1,897 Add-On packs, and the 80 millions "skins" they've downloaded off the net so they can have Famous People running around in their little Sim World with their "Self-Portrait" ones. ("See, here's Britney Spears, and here's all of N'Sync, here's Batman by the Fridge, and here's me and Timmy in the Hot Tub.")
Eric Bischoff on RAW, as the new General Manager. Yeah, nothing like more Rejects from bankrupt Competitors to boost those ratings, Vinny Mac. We're sure this has *got* to please all the ex-WCW guys in the back room who remember losing their jobs because of this goof and his Pet Performing Ego...
Looks like Kevin Nash is out for at least 6 months, as he nurses a Completely Torn Quad. Let this be a lesson to all you wanna-be wrestlers out there; There comes a time when you have to put down the 'roid needle, hang up the tights, and enjoy a semi-retirement making Bad Action Movies for Direct-To-Video film companies that can afford decent Stuntmen.
The company that produces Sesame Street has announced the addition of a HIV Positive Muppet to the cast of the African Version of the show, with an American Counterpart appearing soon thereafter. And for all those who find this inappropriate, never fear; Just about every Muppet created with some sort of Agenda behind it's creation has Crashed And Burned. One that springs to mind was a young girl Muppet named Prairie Dawn, created after people protested the lack of Female Muppet Characters on the Show. The fact that you can't go into your local Toys 'R' Us and buy a Tickle Me Prairie Dawn doll should show you how successful the character became.
And we've heard just about enough wits making lame-ass jokes about whether or not this character got AIDS from unprotected sex, or shooting up with dirty needles. We're suspecting that either 1) They'll be no explanation about where s/he got the disease, or 2) They'll go the "Contaminated Blood Transfusion" route, which should just thrill the Red Cross to no end, seeing how much trouble they've got getting Blood donors because of AIDS stories now...
You can also keep all your "Muppets spend all their time with a guy's hand up their butt, what do you expect" comments to yourself, as well.
Boy, sure was nice of Law Enforcement to let Basketball Star Allen Iverson hang around his house and let him turn himself in when he damn well pleases, wasn't it? We're sure if the local police came after you for Violent Crimes, that you could ask them to wait until you're Bloody Well Good And Ready. You'd probably have to learn to walk and chew all over again, but we're sure you could *ask*.
The reason he asked for this delay; His lawyer was on vacation, and wouldn't be back till the following week. We don't know about you, but if we're looking at hard jail time because of Alleged Violent Acts, including Assault and Unlawful Restraint involving a Gun, and our lawyer tells us he's not cutting his vacation short, we're pawing thru the phone book looking for a new mouthpiece NOW.
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "Poverty, Illiteracy, Famine, Lack of Drinkable Water, Lack of Education, Lack of Publicity are all factors in the HIV Epidemic." - Jesse Jackson, during a recent speech. Now, not to make light of the AIDS epidemic, but does it look to anyone else like the Good Reverend is implying that you can get AIDS from dirty water?
Ex-President Clinton has sworn to make AIDS his new "Focus", and that he'll devote all this efforts to raising AIDS Awareness (Translation; this is what he'll be charging you 20,000 bucks to lecture your Gathering/Graduating Class about). A shame that he didn't come with the idea of throwing himself Whole Hog into the fray back when he had the Power to do something about it, huh?
Would it make us look like an Evil Militia-Worshiping Right Winger if we wondered if this is just Billy still searching for that elusive Legacy of his? Good. The Weirdness Factor of our E-Mail Inbox has gone down a few percent recently, and that stuff's a lot funnier than that goofy "Joke-A-Day" crapola.
McDonald's has added Kiddie Yogurts and Fruit Roll-Ups to their menu, not only to supposedly provide a more healthy menu, but because these products are "Kid-Demanded". Right. We're betting "Kid-Demanded" means "We have to put something Healthy on the Menu or we're gonna get sued by dozens of Do-Gooder Organizations, but it has to be something kids might actually want, unlike a Veggie Burger or Shredded Lettuce pretending to be a Salad."
So the "Reverend" Sun Myung Moon climbs out of the woodwork long enough to take out Full-Page ads in newspapers all over the country, where he "re-prints" letters from religious and political personages that haven't exactly been making Personal Appearances lately. These letters are Letters Of Recommendation, where people such as The Apostle Paul, Muhammad, Confucius, and even God and Jesus give Sunny the Thumbs Up by telling him that he is the True Second Coming, and how sorry they are that they lied to the world about who the True Messiah actually is, while political folk like Stalin and Lenin chime in with similar accolades. You know, the hell with recruiting gullible people, getting them to sign over all they own, and using them as Wage-free labor in his many Work Farms to make his millions. You know how much he could get on Ebay for stamps and envelopes licked by God and Jesus and all these other guys?
Not to mention how much Autograph Hounds would pay for the letters themselves ("Wow, Muhammad makes little smiley-face dots over his i's. Who knew?").
Best Sign at RAW this week; "The Guy Behind Me CAN'T SEE!".
Note to the Game Geeks out there. "We'll release it when it's done" means just what it says. This means they'd rather finish the game according to their Own Little Vision and release a working, finished product then try to meet some arbitrary release date you and your fellow geeks read off of some "news" site, then spend the next year releasing a series of Patches while you complain to every message board under the sun about how buggy the game is.
You also have no right to bellyache when you download a "leaked" beta version of the game, and it's not 100% Perfect. "Hey, I'm only getting 55 Frames Per Second in the Unreal II Beta! This Game Sucks!" Downloading a beta makes you an unpayed beta tester, Skippy. Beta does *not* mean "It's Finished, we just need to run the Instruction Manual thru the Spell Checker before we publish it.".
Another Note to Chris Nowinski, currently playing the Snooty Harvard Graduate on RAW; Seems that mark on your chest has mysteriously vanished. Meaning all 3 people who read this column last week went over to their TVs to see what the hell we were talking about, didn't see the mark, and are now convinced we make all this crapola up. Thanks for nothing. Jerk.
Triple X, or The Logo For Our Movie Looks Just Like The Logo WWE Uses For Triple H? What A Coincidence.
Balthayzr is not a real Vin Diesel, but has played one on the Internet.