|August 12th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: People who ain't quite right in the head, and we just don't mean Mr. Heston; TNN politely supplies us with more Column Fodder; and we mis-pronounce words on purpose to make a point, so please don't waste everyone's time sending us snotty E-mail lectures. Unless you want the Bunker Crowd to spend the rest of the week laughing and pointing at your name on our screen.
When someone is constantly complaining and bitching about their life, we've found the best response to be "Yeah, that'll happen." Because you're not exactly making fun of them, which means they really can't go off on you for that without looking foolish, but it's sounds *just* uncaring enough so that they'll maybe find someone else to bitch to in the future.
Best Way To Make A Fool Of Yourself In Public; When you want something done Your Way and it doesn't seem to be happening, claim that "It's The LAW" that things must go the way you want. For instance, It's The LAW that restaurants must give free refills on drinks, or It's The LAW that Department Stores have to give you a full refund on clothes that your kids have outgrown.
Another Way To Make A Fool Of Yourself In Public is to claim that you're getting "Your Lawyer" to Sue On Your Behalf. Yes, you work part-time at McDonald's, you still live in your parent's basement, but by God you've managed to keep a lawyer on retainer to take care of Fast-Food joints that don't honor 6-month-old coupons!
Yeah, so Barry Bonds has joined the 600-Whatever Club. Does this mean we can watch the Ball Game now without hearing about When Barry's Gonna Break 600 every 5 minutes?
Email We Avoid Opening; Anything containing, in it's Subject Header, the word "FWD", for Forwarded. This 3-letter abbreviation guarantees that this is a "Important Virus Warning", some Piece Of Chain Mail that will damn us to Hell the second we hit "Delete", or some idiotic joke that was old when Charles Babbage first reached for the Soldering Iron.
Note to the WWE: Yeah, that'll bring in the Boffo Ratings. An Evil Ring Announcer.
Incoming Clue Alert; Never, ever, point to a woman's breasts and ask "Wow, don't Underwire Push-Up Bras hurt?".
Britain will finally repay it's WWII War-Debt of 1.1 Billion Pounds by 2006, according to an article in the Sunday Mirror. Seems they skipped a few of their 50 Yearly Payments, and want to make sure we know they're paying it off. Which is just great, because it hasn't caused several dozen Internet Wags to display their Wit by suggesting wwe repossess Big Ben, or cut them a deal because of all the Tea we destroyed, or the like.
And no, they don't get any credit for sending us bundles of used sit-coms and Sci-Fi Shows.
Oh, whee. TNN's got this new show called Oblivious, where some wanna-be Stand-Up comic whose name we didn't bother looking up puts on a series of Zany Disguises and asks random people on the Street trivia questions that sound like they came off Dixie Riddle Cups. And we're sure that this is all about being a Game Show, and not about 1) This idiot mugging for the camera, and 2) This idiot mugging for the camera as he makes fun of people that get his questions wrong.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2017, the Jackie Chan Act is passed, which allows only Jackie Chan and his descendants to do the old "Wacky Out-Takes Over The End Credits" routine. This is later amended to include "Blooper Reels", which have little to do with Jackie Chan, but get tossed on the pile anyway for The Good Of Mankind.
Note to Today's Youth; Ya know, we're as much against smoking as the next Rant Columnist. But we're pretty sure that if you actually sing Rap Songs about how dumb smoking is to your friends, you *will* end up head-first in the toilet.
SCHIZOTRICHIA Helpful Hint; If you see "Out Of Area" or "Unavailable" on your Caller ID, chances are that the incoming call is a Telemarketing Call. Answer the phone by saying "McDonald's at (insert name of major nearby street here), How may I Help You?". 99% of the time, the Company will think they've accidentally contacted a Business, and will take your number off of their Call List.
Yeah, it's not as satisfying as threatening to come down to the Telemarketing Company and pulling their Intestines out thru their Noses, or Blowing an Air Horn off in the phone, but it also won't get you in trouble with the local Authorities, either.
Best part of TNN's Robot Wars; When the Blond Interviewer goes to the "Pits" area, and asks the builders How Their Robot Works, and you get to watch her eyes glaze over as the builders go on and on about RPMs, PSIs and Relative Tensile Strengths.
Note to the WWE: Mini-GOLDUST? Cripes, what next, you gonna have one of your wrestlers start a fight with Chucky, the Evil Doll? Battle the Insane Clown Posse? Carry around a large Cartman Doll?
And we're glad we've reached some odd point in time where fast-food places have to call Pita Bread "Flat Bread" so that it sounds more "American".
Or, more likely, so that they don't have to explain to every customer what the hell a "Pie-ta" is ("Oh, it's that stuff you put Gee-ro meat in, ain't it?").
Angela "Whack-A-Mole" Jolie has mentioned in a recent interview that she wants back the vials of blood she exchanged with Billy Bob Thorton, out of fear that he'll use the Blood to have a Curse put on her. Uh huh. You know, we're really surprised that Angie's been single as long as she's been since announcing the break-up, she seems like quite a catch.
And by "catch" we mean as in Contagious.
"Actor" Jason Priestley, while participating in a race in the Infiniti Pro Series, (a developmental circuit for the Indy Racing League, which we assume is a nice way to say Farm League) was rushed to the hospital with extensive Head and Back Injuries after performing a maneuver known as "Kissing The Wall". Just once again proving that, every once in a while, God sends us a Sign that He Loves us.
Yep, Charlton Heston has announced that he has symptoms "Consistent with Alzheimer's disease". Now remember, not only is Mr. Heston an eeeeevil Conservative, but the leader of the NRA. So it's Politically Correct to make fun of the fact that he has a deadly neurological disease, just like all the Internet Wags did when Ronald Reagan made the same announcement.
Actually, we believe the Standard Politically Correct Response is "Even though our Political Views Differed, we are saddened by this news". If you really want to go out on a limb, you can wish him All The Best, but that might be pushing it a bit.
Worst part of TNN's Robot Wars; Listening to the endless Bad Puns based on the names of the Robots and their Weapons.
2nd Worst part of TNN's Robot Wars; Trying to explain to The Great Unwashed the small visceral pleasure you get watching two Steroid-Ridden RC Cars beat the living crap out of each other. Especially when you were one of the people making fun of the show when it first came on.
We are, of course, speaking of other people here. We personally don't watch the show. Nope. Not one bit.
Slightly Scary News Of The Week; Electronic Arts, makers of such fine brawling games as WCW Mayhem and WCW Backstage Assault, has signed a deal with Island Def Jam Music Group to jointly product a Series Of Wrestling Games featuring the label's Hip-Hoppers, such as DMX, Method Man, and Ludacris. Which begs the question; These people do realize that the 10 people who are gonna buy this Nugget Load are gonna buy it so they can use the Create-A Wrestler to make wrestlers that look like Themselves, and then use them to beat the crapola out of Hip-Hoppers?
And wasn't there some Backstreet Basketball game starring Rap Stars made a few years ago, whose main claim to fame is that, by Law, you have to mention it when making a "Worst Games Ever" list?
Note to the Makers of XXX; Yep, that's exactly what the world needed. Yet another Secret Agent with a Gadget Supplier who trades wise cracks with the agent in question. Does he also make wise-cracks after dispatching his enemies?
Balthayzr really doesn't watch any of the shows he makes fun of, since, in the long run, Ignorance is a lot more amusing.