|July 22nd, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The Internet pisses us off, Donny Osmond And His Amazing Technicolor Career Death, and If You Build It, Some Idiot Will Find A Way To Steal It.
"Look, we've added a Paypal Button so you can donate money to our site!" is not Site News.
Neither is any loooong story about your Personal Life, especially if it's a half-assed explanation on why you haven't updated your Web Site in the past 5 hours.
A live-action Thunderbirds movie. Directed by Jonathan Frakes. Why not just go for the trifecta and say you've signed Paul Reubens and Andrew "Dice" Clay to play 2 of the Leads?
And we'd like to thank Vince McMahon for the stress test, caused by the skit on RAW that not only teased a re-forming (re-re-re-forming?) of DX, but also, for one frightening moment, teased the return of the New Age Outlaws.
Let's save you the cost of sending a perfect stranger cash in order to investigate "Work At Home Opportunities", or having to wade thru a wordy "News Investigation" into same; Work At Home deals fall into 2 Basic Categories; 1) A deal where you work off of Customer Lists, helpfully supplied by the people that sent you the Work-At-Home kit (for an additional fee, of course), and 2) The old song and dance where they teach you how to send out the same "Work At Home" spam you just bought into to thousands of others and hope they're as gullible as you were.
Sign That You've Married The Perfect Woman; When you get a flier from a local Department Store advertising a "Huge Sale!", and your wife looks at it, says "I can't think of anything we need", and tosses it in the garbage.
Sign That We, As A Civilization, Are Doomed; Meow Mix Catfood is, at the present time, holding auditions for the "Vanna White of Cats" to Host Meow TV, a syndicated half-hour show featuring bouncing balls, chirping birds, and other kitty diversions. They're also looking for troupes of Singing And Dancing Kids to be on the show, just in case your cat likes a little Homo sapiens humiliation along with his video mouse abuse fantasies.
And we're sure that the people hosting these auditions didn't take frequent breaks from the hoards of people dressed like/acting like rejects from Cats so that they could go in the backroom and laugh themselves silly, so they wouldn't end up ejecting their pancreas thru their nose in an attempt to not leave Meow Mix open to Pain And Suffering Lawsuits.
Personally, we'd think our cat would be a lot more interested in a TV Show featuring all the auditions for Meow TV, with that Simon guy from American Idol telling the Young Hopefuls how much they suck and sending them home in tears. If we had a cat.
Maybe this is extremely Un-PC, but how come there's never this big a fuss over videos of croo....uh, Suspects beating the crap out of/killing Police Officers?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2009, Steven Spielberg finally wins his series of lawsuits, thus preventing any Movie Critic, Geek Web Site, or anyone else for that matter from asking "Why the hell do they keep going back to the damn island?" when discussing any Jurassic Park sequel.
Newsgroup Postings We Refuse To Finish Reading, Even If They Contain Links To Wondrous Free Porn; Any posting where the author refers to stuff they've put in their Online Journal.
Newsflash, Kiddies; 98% of these Online Journals are the best cure for Insomnia we've ever run across. There should be a pop-up window warning readers Not To Operate Heavy Machinery After Reading. No one cares about the trip you and your Significant Other made to the local Health Food Emporium, where they were *just* out of Organically Grown Eggplants, and whatever will we do now? No one cares how you took this Minimum Wage-Slave job so you could have time to Concentrate On Your Art, Because Someday You're Gonna Be A STAR! And, Especially, no one cares for the Holier-Than-Thou attitude most of these journals have, where anyone who doesn't appreciate The Suffering That Went Into It must be some sort of Brain-Dead Heathen Who Wouldn't Know True Prose If It Came Up And Bit Off His Nipples.
Quote Of The Time Period That It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "Regis really turned things around, didn't he? He put such a cool factor on the whole Game-Show genre." - Donny Osmond, on being chosen to host a syndicated version of the old game-show Pyramid, which probably is remembered by less people than read this column every week. Yep, he put such a cool factor on it that his game-show is on "hiatus", Donny. In fact, most of the "cool" Game Shows that popped up in the wake of Millionaire are on some sort of "hiatus", Donny. Meaning you just might wanna keep Andrew Lloyd Webber's beeper number handy...
Which begs another question; At what point does it become creepy for a grown man to call himself "Donny"?
Your Buzzword for the Week; "Whackers", which are hackers who break into Wireless Networks. When discussing Whackers, be sure to mention that they build Network-sniffing Antennas out of empty Pringles cans.
And did these people come up with this name for themselves, or is this a Media Buzzword? Either way, it's gonna be kinda humorous if it really catches on. "Yes, Your Honor, we observed the suspect standing out on the corner of 5th and Main Whacking with this Pringles can." That's something you want on your police record, huh?
Other names these guys are known by are Net Stumblers and/or War Drivers, neither of which seems to be that much of an Improvement over Whacker. Net Stumbler sounds like an attempt at a "We only hack to Learn!" defense, while War Driver sounds like one of those "3l33t" Hacker Organizations made up of 12-year-old IRC Script Kiddies.
The IRA (Irish Republican Army, for those who don't have The Quiet Man on DVD) Has Officially Apologized for all the people killed in the various "actions" the IRA has taken over the years. Well, that just makes it all better now, doesn't it? Group Hug!
And A Moment Of Silence for Walter C. McCrone, who passed away last week. Mr. McCrone made headlines after he used Microscopy (Hey, that's the word his Obit uses for Studying Things With A Microscope) to determine that the Shroud Of Turin was a "fake". And we're betting that Mr. McCrone is finding out from The Source just whether or not it actually was a Fake.
Quick Lesson In How The Law Works; See, the reason the judge in the "20th Hijacker" case gave Mr. Moussaoui a week to think over his Guilty plea is because this goofball has tried just about every trick in the book to get this declared a Mistrial, from playing Insane to pulling the old "I'm my own lawyer" trick to insulting the judge. So, Her Honor is giving him the week to think it over and discuss it with legal people so he can't come back later and claim he didn't know what a Guilty Plea entailed, and try to get his sentence overturned. This is why she's a Judge, and goofs who write newspaper columns and run Radio Talk Shows are goofs who write newspaper columns and run Radio Talk Shows...
The Rock has signed to do a Movie called SpyHunter. Based on the Videogame. Which proves that he's not listening when we tell him that he's one jar of Official Orange-Colored Fake-Tan away from being Hogan.
So there's this clown named Jonathan Smith, who managed to get his name in all the wacky "Odd News" columns this past week. Seems Mr. Smith has found His Purpose In Life; To have a cup of coffee in every Starbucks on the face of the Earth. Which is really just sad, because you know this goofball is just doing this in the hopes of getting a job doing Starbucks commercials, probably after learning about the Jared guy who lost weight hauling his carcass down to Subway for veggie sammitches and how hawks them on TV...
Note to both Vince McMahon and Eric Bischoff; There's a big difference between being booed as a good Villain, and being booed because people just plain Don't Like You.
Want to know what's really scary? All these Robot Fighting TV Shows have spawned a whole new type of rather frightening creature; The Redneck Geek.
Sign That Your Life Probably Hasn't Turned Out For The Best; If you've actually written an outraged Letter To The Editor, complaining about the grammar and/or Usage Of Words in an Editorial/Another Letter To The Editor ("It's not Effect, it's Affect! When will people learn!").
TV Advertisements We Stopped Paying Attention To; Any blurb which describes a TV Journalist as "Compassionate". Does this make Our Hero somehow more accurate than other newscasters? Does he get the stories out faster, or get more Exclusives?
Or, as we suspect, are we supposed to feel like Puppy-Kicking Bastards if we don't tune into his show, because no one else out there will tell us that there are Homeless People, or that folks out there Die every so often, or that people in That Other Political Party are a bunch of Crooks.
Quote Of The Time Period That It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "(Bush) will find that blacks, like all Americans, prefer to choose their own leaders" - Jesse Jackson, in an newspaper editorial this past weekend. And it would be catty at this point to ask the Reverend Jackson to show us the ballots where he, Al Sharpton, and Louis Farrakhan were selected by a majority of Black Americans At Large to be their Leaders.
Balthayzr isn't really sure how Nipple-Biting would help prove something is True Prose. We're thinking he just put that in there for more cheap Google hits.