|August 5th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Anna Nicole And The Giant Brain Fart; Getting Trapped Underground For Fun And Profit, and Dana Carvey proves Crappy enough for the Crappy Club. Crappy crappy!
"No One Is Immune To Resident Evil." So, you think comparing your movie to, say, a Fatal Disease is good marketing?
Note to MSN; "Get more Storage for Hotmail" and "Get MSN Broadband NOW" are *not* news stories. They are Ads. Listing them in your "Today on MSN" area makes you look just a tad desperate.
How to be popular Online, Part 456; Claim to be a beautiful young woman. Speak freely about your sex life. Be a "Free Spirit" to the point where every sentence out of your "mouth" is some sort of sex-based comment. Talk about your love of "pr0n". The best way to fake this is to take some of the comments people send to you privately, reword them a bit, and publish them as your own dirty thoughts.
The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America is going to produce new episodes of Davey And Goliath, which they'll pay for by allowing the characters to be used in various commercials. Which we're sure will stop once someone explains to these guys exactly what it means when someone is "hosed".
From our Do As I Say, Not As I Do! file; A plan to build a "Wind Farm" ( A fancy word for a bunch of energy-producing windmills) along the coast of Cape Cod, Mass, is being blocked...by local Environmentalists, who complain the Farms would block their lovely views of the coastal areas. In other words, the tree-huggers have come down with a case of "Not In My Back Yard". Just a little something to keep in mind the next time some Environmentalist tells you how *you* have to Sacrifice in order to save Spaceship Earth.
Yes, you are the only person on Earth to have a wacky poll on your web page ("Favorite Banana Split band Member!"), you incredible steaming pile of wit, you.
And now, for your Dining and Dancing Pleasure, Restrooms of the Future, a site that's either a member in good standing of the Joke Taken A Tad Too Far school, or the type of site where we imagine the owner really doesn't date too much ("You know, the bathrooms in this bar have bad feng shui, don't you agree? Hello?"). Either way, another fine site to leave up on the computers of Unsuspecting Co-Workers, especially those who have no idea how to set their own Homepages back to what they were.
However, we wouldn't mind subscribing to their Bathroom Today magazine, just to amuse visitors to our little bunker when they see this Architect's Guide To Good Bathroom Design buried amongst our Wired and Scientific American Coffee-Table fodder.
Wonder if subscribing to that magazine gets you on the FBI "Whacko" list, like the readers of High Times and Soldier Of Fortune get to be.
Ya know, with the way lawsuits are going, we suppose it's only so long until some atheist sues because the cheat code to be Invulnerable in 99% of the video games out there consists of typing in the word "GOD".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Cartoonist Control Act of 2022 will, in part, forbid any cartoonist from starting a second comic strip unless his/her initial one is Funny. Among other Forbidden acts; having one of your characters get pregnant so you can coast on "Pregnant Ladies are cranky/eat odd foods/have funny bodily changes" bits for 9 months; Introduce any Garfield or Dilbert-like character, whose sole purpose is to get strips hung on Refrigerators and Cubicle Walls the world over, right next to the coffee mugs, posters, and other Marketing Crapola; and/or create any strip that attempts to be the next Incarnation of Bloom County or Doonesbury, right down to having a similar art style.
Incoming Clue Alert; If your Chest hair is greying, you might wanna do the world a favor and button up that shirt. After you ditch the gold chains, of course.
And by "Do the world a favor" we mean "Help these poor souls who have to look at you before they become violently ill or laugh so hard that they spew up important organs on their good clothes".
Quote Of The Time Period That It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "They better get paid Overtime for all the time they spent down there." - Wife of one of the Quecreek Mine Workers, after they were rescued from a 3-day long ordeal where they were trapped in the mines due to a cave-in/flood. The scary part is that she's absolutely serious. Here's hoping the Mining Company doesn't send you a bill for the rescue, sweetheart.
Odd Mining Stories, Part II; During a recent appearance with President Bush, the Miners were whisked away after shaking hands with the Prez, because their new contract with the Disney Company for a TV Movie based on their Ordeal forbids them from speaking with the Press in any way. Does this just sit wrong on anyone else's brain, like something out of a bad Simpsons episode?
The Anna Nicole Show. No...comment.
Okay, one comment. Or two. There is a difference, subtle though it may be, between "Dumb Blond" and "Lobotomized Blond". And we're imagining Ms. Nicole is looking at it in her rear-view mirror about now as she approaches the Outskirts of "No Brain Activity Whatsoever Blond".
Insert your favorite "Girl next door? To WHAT?" comment here.
So there's some goofus on Ebay, who's auctioning the advertising rights for his skull. That's right, kiddies, he promises to let Some Big Company tattoo their Logo on his cranium for a year, and he promises to not wear hats, let his hair grow, and so forth. Which just again goes to prove that Ebay's main purpose in life isn't to be an Online Auction House, it's to supply columns like this with Fodder when yer short a line or two.
Ah, Pre-Season Football. The chance to watch team-members play that usually never get any closer to the gridiron than the Gatoraid Table, while The Big Stars sit in front of Economy-Sized fans and tells the Sidelines Reporters how they're "Going To Work Together To Go All The Way This Year".
And a Correction from last Week. Oldham doesn't call his Target crapola "Varsity Punk". We're pretty sure it's "Varsity Funk". Which we're sure is a lot better for some reason that we'll pretend to care about some other time.
Also, another correction. The proper way to spell Fear nowadays is "Ph33r". SCHIZOTRICHIA would regret these errors, if it wasn't for the fact that fixing them padded the column out nicely.
SCHIZOTRICHIA Helpful Hint; Walking up to your Sleeping Wife, and yelling at her in order to scare her awake as a Joke, is Not Funny. Mainly because people who are awakened violently tend to wake up swinging, and the Typical Bed comes up to about crotch-level on the Typical Man.
Take it from someone who spent the past week waiting for the swelling to go down so that peeing wouldn't cause him to see stars.
And we'd like to thank the makers of The Master Of Disguise, for supplying us with a fresh Crap Movie that other Crap Movies will be measured against in the future. That, and our contract won't allow us to do any more Dude, Where's My Car? bits until the end of the Fiscal Quarter.
We'd like to also say at this point that we're glad the movie finally came out, because it means an end is in sight for all those damned "Turtle, turtle!" TV Ads...
Why We, As A Civilization Are Doomed; Theodore E. Cohn, Professor of Vision Sciences at Berkeley, has invented a large Light for the backs of Public Buses. The purpose of this large light is to bring the attention of other drivers to the bus, so they won't crash into it when it stops. In other words, people supposedly need a large light to alert them to the house-sized vehicle that they're driving not 10 feet behind. And it's supposedly needed, as research shows a lot of accidents where cars have crashed into buses stopped at Bus Stops. Eesh.
Note to anyone organizing any type of 9/11 Events; No matter what you plan, if you plan a small picnic consisting only of PB&J sammitches, some idiot somewhere is going to object to it on some grounds. Our advice; To Hell with them. Honor the Fallen on 9/11 in any manner you see fit.
Telling idiots that they've "Been Voted Off The Island" or "Are The Weakest Link" is no longer funny. No, wait, we tell a lie. It was *never* funny.
Balthayzr would like to note that it's SCHIZOTRICHIA's third Anniversary. And that he's registered at Marshall Field's and Nordstrom's.